The Naked Advice

Model & Writer Liz LaPoint answers your questions about dating, sex, and relationships

BB wrote: “I am happily married and am trying to figure out how to talk to my wife about a specific sexual desire. Pegging. I have wanted to ask her for some time if she would want to peg me. I just can’t get up the courage. We have a great relationship and we have amazing sex. Even after 20 years of marriage! We have both admitted in the past 10 years that things have gotten vanilla. Intercourse, she’s on top, I’m on top, etc.”

Liz says: Start by showing her my YouTube video about pegging, then have her read my latest informational blog on the subject, Want To Try Pegging? Here’s How!

These two can help you gauge her response to the possibility, and prompt the conversation that can dispel any myths or misconceptions she might have about it. If after watching the video and reading the post she says she has no interest, that’s an opportunity for you to ask her if there’s anything new she would like to try.

Congratulations on having a long, happy marriage!

 

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Michael Qors wrote:Ever since I can remember, I have always been aroused by wristwatches. I become especially aroused when women wore them. I felt compelled to ask random women I saw in public places about their watch. I began to pay models to see their wristwatches. Then I began to pay them to lick them. I paid several models for pictures and videos of women licking their watches and masturbating. I prefer circular faced watches. I tried to think that this fetish originated from an attractive family friend of mine having a wristwatch but hers was small. I prefer bigger wristwatches, especially on women.

I buy all my girlfriends wristwatches and very strongly suggest they wear them. Sometimes I am too forceful but I am embarrassed about my fetish. What do you think about this fetish? What should I do with my future girlfriends/wife?”

Liz says: Before cellphones came along, wristwatches were worn by almost everyone. They were far more common when you were growing up, and had a purpose. Now, they’re worn mostly as jewelry and even then, it’s not very common. I sometimes see them worn as a statement piece, as part of an ensemble, and that statement is “I’m so important and busy that I can’t be bothered to dig out my cellphone to see what time it is. A flip of the wrist will tell me the time much more quickly.” I also suppose if you need to know the time but want to avoid appearing as if you’re distracted by your phone, wearing a watch will prevent that. Anyway, their rarity nowadays makes me wonder if you’d still have this fetish had you been growing up now.

Women’s wrists are dainty and slim, and for many, sexy. What I find intriguing though is that you prefer bigger watches. It’s like you want to detract from her feminine wrist by adding a more “masculine” object. Perhaps it’s the masculine symbolism of “powerful” that large wristwatches connote that you find sexy. Did your attractive family friend (or other women) often chastise you with the hand they had adorned with a watch? I suspect that female domination might be the underlying turn-on.

You haven’t mentioned if this has been an issue of contention in your relationships. How have past girlfriends responded to your fetish? Was it ever a reason for a break-up? Are you able to have sex with your girlfriends without the watch being the obvious focus? If you want to have a serious relationship or get married, but find that your love for time pieces causes a rift, you should consider seeking help from a sex-positive therapist (like psychotherapist Rob Peach) who can guide you in incorporating your fetish in healthy ways.

Clever alias, by the way 😉

 

woman's wristwatch

 

 

 

Thomas wrote:Hey Liz. I’m 23. My question is about ball-busting. I can’t remember when I got into it exactly but eventually about a year and a half ago I started seeking this from girls. I built up a tolerance and now it’s all I like. Now I don’t even try to have sex or have normal relationships with women. Normally it’s just ball-busting I seek. I can’t tell if it’s just ’cause it’s so hard to find a woman to have a romantic relationship with or maybe it’s that I got bored of rejection and migrated to something easier and more thrilling? Whatever it is I’ve tried my hardest to keep my romantic life and ball-busting life separate. That means, no talking about ball-busting to women I want to date and not trying to date women that bust my balls. But with both so hard to find for me I’m wondering if I should bring both desires together?

Should I just not pay for ball-busting anymore with college girls and try dating again? Or is this a bad habit?

Liz says: I consulted psychotherapist Rob Peach about your letter, Thomas (click here to visit his website). Here’s what he had to say:

“I would encourage him to avoid either/or thinking on this issue.  Choose partners to date that you are BOTH attracted to AND who are nonjudgmental and kinky can help him reconcile his conflicting feelings on this issue and help him create opportunities to safely explore this kink with trusted parters.”

I agree with him, you shouldn’t give up on finding a girlfriend who will be down with satisfying your specific sexual desires. You’re not the only man to do this, by the way. It’s a very common predicament men create in which they separate women into “whores” or “wife material”. It’s a false dichotomy, as women can be both ideal life partners and fun in the bedroom. Too many men marry the “wife material” and then cheat on her with another woman because they think their wives are “too good” to have the kind of sex they really want to have. That’s not a recipe for happiness for anyone involved.

But I went a bit further with Rob, asking why it is that we are more accepting of self-harming behaviors if sex is involved. If someone is cutting themselves, we suggest they get therapy and sometimes medication helps alleviate the underlying emotional issues.  He replied:

“I don’t know if there is definitive medical evidence about the potential harm from ball busting, but avoiding the activity is not going to diminish the intensity of the fetish.  We all pursue activities that have potential risks, from playing football to sky diving and downhill skiing, and we don’t avoid those things that give us pleasure because there could be harm.  What we do is find ways to minimize the risks.  Ball busters might want to establish where their limits are and stick to them to decrease the likelihood of damage.  Using specific toys or tools that are less likely to cause harm (a sandal instead of a stilleto heel) and choosing partners carefully can go a long way in protecting oneself.  And, avoiding substances when busting can decrease the likelihood that you experience decreased sensation or that you will use poor judgment can help.”

Bottom line: be open to finding the woman of your dreams who can be both a life partner and ball-kicking dominatrix. I think there’s a good chance that once you’ve fallen in love with the right woman for you, your sexual desires could evolve to include other sexual activities, too. Who knows? 😉

What-a-Mans-Testicles-Tell-About-His-Health

 

Maynard James Keenan wrote: “So here is the skinny. My girlfriend is a little smoking hot redhead and has for the better part of the year been telling me she wants a woman on board. This usually happens during bad girl/bad boy heated pillow talk. Now she occasionally points out prospects during grocery shopping extravaganzas. Should I be concerned?”

Liz says: Concerned with what? That she might be a Russian spy? That this is a sign she’s joined a polygamist cult? That she secretly loves Adam Sandler comedies?

Seriously though, maybe you’re thinking she’s bisexual, poly, or gay. Without more to go on, I say you should outright ask her what her desires are specifically and what they mean for both of you. You can’t move forward without an honest, open discussion. Just be sure not to initiate this conversation during “bad girl/bad boy pillow talk”. We all say things that are fantasy during those moments, you want to know that what you’re telling each other can be taken seriously.

If she wants to have an open relationship or just find a woman who wants to be a booty call for the threesomes you two want to have, I recommend discussing all the possible issues that could arise and deciding on rules together.

Good luck, MJK 😉

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Ty wrote: “I have been masturbating until I feel like I’m going to orgasm and then stopping or slowing down; like trying to control my orgasm. Sometimes I will do this all day and have an orgasm 8-12 hours later, edging with breaks to do stuff around the house. Other times I will edge for a few days and finally have an edging session where I finish. It seems like this has recently become a mainstream fetish. Is this true? Have you or will you try edging? I would like to know your experience with this. Are there any health risks? I heard it could enlarge your prostate or decrease sensitivity if you do it too much. Are there any techniques that you know of? I usually try to go as slow as possible by not “chasing” my orgasm and completely relaxing my PC muscle. Can women also relax their muscles to extend their orgasm?”

Liz says: I contacted Dr. Susie Gronski, a physiotherapist, to help me help you, Ty (click here to visit her website). She is better equipped to handle some of your questions. Here is what she had to say:

“Egding, if done with conscious practice, can be quite liberating. Whether or not it’s mainstream, well that depends on what you’re reading and who you’re talking to. This practice has been adopted and tweaked from ancient Hindu and Buddhist practices of Tantra and is more widely associated in western culture as tantric sex and not so much the actual, spiritual practice of Tantra.

There’s no literature, to my knowledge, that proves edging or withholding from orgasm is “harmful” for your body. Edging is a concept that can enhance your sexual vigor and vitality. However, the question remains, are you edging correctly? When withholding an orgasm you want to make sure that you’re not stopping an orgasm from happening while it’s happening. This disrupts the natural flow of things and may potentially cause retrograde ejaculation. When a man orgasms, the muscles surrounding the bladder neck tighten to prevent semen from entering the bladder and the fluid is diverted into the penile urethra ready for action. If you’re building up sexual arousal over multiple times per day or over multiple days, what happens to the fluids that were prepped to be loaded? So, you want to make sure that you’re not building too much sexual arousal and tension without ejaculating as this can create fluid retention around the prostate and testicles which can lead to testicular or abdominal pain. You know the saying “blue balls”? Yup, that’s it. It’s prolonged sexual arousal without ejaculation. If you’ve ever had a case of the blue balls you know it’s not the greatest feeling in the world.

When you orgasm, your pelvic floor muscles have to spasmodically contract to expel semen and prostatic fluids. That’s how they work. So I would encourage you to work your pelvic floor muscles in both ways, relaxed and contracted. When should you contract? When you want to finish and get your big O. Use your pelvic floor muscles to enhance your orgasmic experience and relax when you want to last longer, build up sexual energy and be more mindful in the moment.

There are also a lot of nerve endings and neurological processes that occur when a man or woman gets aroused. Doing too much of anything isn’t always a good idea. There’s got to be a healthy balance. I would be curious to study if repetitive relaxation after induced sexual arousal would cause a dampening of sensation or an inability to get aroused. Sorta like the boy who cried wolf situation if you catch my drift. Women can also control their orgasm just like men can. They essentially have the same muscles down there just different parts. To put it in a female’s perspective, it’s like using a vibrator on the clitoris. At first, you don’t need much stimulation or intensity to feel good but after a while the nervous system adapts and then requires more and more stimulation and intensity to get the same pleasure feeling and achieve orgasm.

So in my opinion, varying sexual activities and changing it up from time to time is best sex practice or using techniques that challenge your sexual tastebuds without stopping the normal flow or physiological processes from occurring like orgasms.”

So there you have it, Ty, straight from the doctor! As far as your question about whether I’ve personally tried edging: No, I wouldn’t enjoy the frustration 😉

Check out Dr. Susie’s book: Pelvic Pain, The Ultimate Cock Block

And Follow her on Twitter and Instagram!

Risk- yes:no

I receive a lot of letters from men who want their female partners to don a strap-on and ride them into the sunset. “How do I get my girlfriend/wife try it?” or “Does this make me gay?” are the most frequent questions asked. First, let’s go over the reasons why a man would want to be pegged.

WebMD.com explains what the prostate gland is: “The prostate is a walnut-sized gland located between the bladder and the penis. The prostate is just in front of the rectum. The urethra runs through the center of the prostate, from the bladder to the penis, letting urine flow out of the body. The prostate secretes fluid that nourishes and protects sperm.” The prostate is often called the “Male G-Spot” because when it’s stimulated it produces erotic sensations that can lead to orgasm.

Let me say it loud and clear so all the people in the back of the room hear it too: A man wanting to have anal sex doesn’t make him gay, being sexually and romantically attracted to men makes him gay. There is nothing homosexual about a WOMAN giving your prostate some attention!

Before even bringing it up to your partner, I suggest you pick out a strap-on with sturdy straps and multiple sizes of anal dildos. That way she can see right away what the strap-on is like and could familiarize herself with it and therefore be more likely to be comfortable with trying it!

This set here is perfect: it has small, medium, and large sizes so you can start off with the smaller one if you’re a beginner and proceed to the bigger ones when ready. It’s labeled a “Best Seller!” on AdamandEve.com.

Pegging set

Here’s a close-up shot of the dildos so you can gauge their size relativity better:

anal dildos

Lubrication is CRUCIAL here! You don’t want to insert anything into your rectum without plenty of lube applied not only to your anus but also the dildo. Adam & Eve makes a great one.

Try different positions to determine which one allows your partner to enter you and will be comfortable for you so you can relax your rectal muscles. You might need to prop your ass up with some pillows! And ladies, be sure to enter him slowly at first.

To begin your adventure in pegging, go to AdamandEve.com. Enter code NAKED at checkout to get 50% Off 1 Item + Free Shipping on your entire order in the US & Canada. *Certain exclusions apply. 100% satisfaction guarantee. 24/7 customer service. 90 Day No Hassle Returns/Exchanges.

Have fun! 😉

Brian wrote:  “I came across your You tube channel and decided to write you after seeing some of your videos on different sexual fetishes. My fetish is being threatened with castration, or more accurately, with having my penis cut off. Please understand that I do not actually want to lose my penis, but the threat and risk of it is what arouses me. Best way I can describe it is that if I knew for certain a woman was going to castrate me, I would not let her. But taking the risk it could happen is something I would willingly do. Either by her making a mistake or her deciding she wants to do it for real regardless of what I wanted. In fact, the unwillingness is part of the fantasy. Whether the “scene” was for revenge, interrogation or just a woman who got off on castrating men it would always be “unwilling”. That, or a game of chance scenario. Strip poker where the stakes go up once the man is naked. The three main methods I fantasize about are knife, shears/scissors or her biting it off. I have found it very difficult to find women who are into this even on a site like Fetlife. It seems far more men than women fantasize about this. I would like to know your thoughts on this fetish and how you think I would best be able to broach the topic with someone since this fetish is admittedly on the extreme end of BDSM. Thank you.”

Liz says: Sigmund Freud and Freudian psychoanalysts have had a lot to say about Castration Anxiety, a belief that small boys develop a fear of castration when they see their mothers don’t have a penis (and because they think all people have a penis, their mother’s penis must’ve been removed and they might do that to him, too!) Many of Freud’s psychoanalytic theories are cherished and others are dismissed by modern academics and professionals as misogynistic or preposterous. But let’s apply this theory to your fetish and see where it takes us…

According to this theory the child’s castration anxiety is eased by his relationship with his father, but if his father is absent his anxiety continues, subconsciously affecting him and his relationships with females. Was your father around when you were growing up? If there’s any truth to this theory, is it possible your castration anxiety became sexually arousing to you later in life?

Perhaps this theory is all bunk and there’s something else at play, something simpler. You have extremely masochistic leanings that are only satisfied by imagining the worst thing a dominant woman could do to you: removing the physical symbol of your manhood, your strength, your vitality, your power. It arouses you that a woman could bring you to your knees by taking away your source of sexual pleasure. And to go a little deeper, it arouses you because the thought of being a woman frightens you. Women are treated all over the world like disposable beings unworthy of respect and autonomy, and a woman threatening to commit an act that makes you like a female is the ultimate revenge.

My guess is that you don’t feel powerless in real life, because we tend to fantasize about things that help us “escape” what regular life provides. Perhaps this fantasy does it for you because in real life you’re the one in control, respected, and admired? This would explain why your unwillingness in your fantasies plays a big role.

I can certainly see why it’s been difficult for you to find a woman who would be into playing this role. I’ve seen professional Dommes who make clips for sale catering to this fantasy, but if you’re looking for a serious relationship with a woman willing to pretend to be Lorena Bobbitt, that’s going to be trickier. If you try online dating websites, I suggest you specify that you’re looking for a woman with a “strong personality” and who enjoys being dominant in the bedroom. Your chances of finding a woman who will eagerly have fun with your fantasy once things get serious will be better than if you only search for a woman specifically into the castration scenario on sites like FetLife. In other words, there could be dominant women out there who just haven’t tried this yet so they haven’t discovered that they’d find it a turn-on!

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Zach wrote: “Hey Liz, a couple months ago I found out that I have a wedgie fetish. I don’t know if it is the humiliation or the pain that I like about it, but ever since then whenever I’m alone I pull my underwear over my head or hang myself by my underwear to whatever is stable. Am I a freak for enjoying this? I have been addicted to wedgie fetish videos on PornHub lately and I am convinced that I’m insane for getting aroused by this. The only thing weird is that I’m 100% straight. Any advice?”

Liz says: You’re not insane (at least, not based on your desire to be wedgified like the bullied kid in almost every 80s teen movie). And it’s not weird that you’re “100% straight”, but I can understand why you’d be confused. It’s not just because it’s usually guys who are known to give wedgies. Plenty of hetero guys are aroused by having their anus stimulated, but because of homophobia they rarely admit it. Enjoying anal sex or other activities doesn’t mean you’re gay, being sexually and romantically attracted to men means you’re gay.

You say you don’t know if it’s the humiliation or pain that you like, but humiliation is dependent upon others to witness your wedgied state. Are you doing this in front of others? If not, perhaps you’re fantasizing that there’s an audience or a bully did it to you? If neither of those exist, it’s not about a masochistic desire to be embarrassed. So there’s probably something about the pain/pleasure that you enjoy.

Are you a “freak” for enjoying this? Yes, but not in a bad way!

As Missy Elliot said, “Get UR Freak On” 😉

 

men's underwear

LW wrote: “So my case is pretty complex right now. I love being dominated by a woman in many ways. My wife, though, is not into that at all. She tries a lot, but she is just not into it and it shows. The problem is I don’t think I can live without my fantasies and I don’t feel it’s working really well with her “trying” to dominate me. I’m starting to wonder if there is a way out of this.

What makes it complex is the fact that our relationship is perfect on any other aspect of our life. What is your opinion on that?”

Liz says: You say that you don’t think you can live without your fantasies, but what you haven’t said is whether you think you can live without your wife.

It would be one thing if you hadn’t told her what you like or she hadn’t tried playing that role with you, but both of those have happened and it’s not working for you. Have you asked her how she feels? Has she expressed a desire to stop pretending to be the whip-cracker? Did she sign up to have a submissive husband when she married you?

If you feel deprived being married to a woman who doesn’t enjoy treating you as beneath her, to the point that you would want to either cheat on her with paid dominatrices or get a divorce, then I think you two are a mismatch. Sexual incompatibilities lead to frustrated, unhappy couples who either cheat on each other or regularly fight about their needs not being met. And if one partner does their best to make the other happy at the expense of their own needs, they end up resentful of their partner. This is why it’s crucial for sexual compatibility to be assessed before marriage.

But if you decide that it’s more important to you to remain married to a partner who’s “perfect on every other aspect”, then I suggest you learn how to appreciate a woman who treats you as an equal in real life and use your fantasies in your mind during sex, imagining what you want to without expecting her to role-play. You don’t have to “live without your fantasies”, but you might have to live without seeing them acted out in real life if you want to stay married. You have to decide what makes you happier.

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Buddy wrote: “I have a sex addiction to calling phone sex. My wife knows and she was upset. And she wanted me to stop. I tried but unsuccessful, and she told me that if she finds out I did it again she would leave me. I want to stop. I have seen a professional about and it didn’t work. I don’t want to lose my wife or my family. Please, any help would be appreciated. I just found your videos today, found you really insightful, and not judgemental.”

Liz says: What you’re calling an “addiction” I suspect is really just “What I enjoy doing conflicts with what makes my partner happy”. Meaning, it’s not that you’re actually addicted (click here for the definition) but that it’s something you gain so much pleasure from that it’s difficult for you to walk away. Many couples deal with variations of this. She enjoys belonging to the PTO but her husband wants her to quit because her responsibilities make her so busy that it takes away from time with him. He loves extreme sports but his wife asks him to quit because now that he’s a father she’s worried about him dying and her child growing up fatherless. No one would seriously say the PTO mom and the mountain-climbing dad were addicted if they continued after their spouses asked them not to. The difference with your situation is that your wife probably feels like you’re cheating on her.

It’s not just physical sexual activities that count as cheating. Anytime you create a relationship with someone else that is expected to be reserved for your significant other, it’s cheating. In this case, you’re directing your sexual energy toward various strange women instead of only sharing that energy with your wife, and she wants to be your only sexual partner.

Oftentimes when we want to continue doing something that we know we shouldn’t (or are being told we shouldn’t) we tell ourselves things to justify continuing. This is called Cognitive Dissonance. It’s easier to justify inaction than it is to change and take different actions. It happens a lot when our actions don’t match our values/beliefs. In your case, you might believe you’re a loyal, good husband and if someone were to say “But your love for phone sex is not what loyal, good husbands do”, you might justify it by telling yourself “But I’m not actually cheating on her, I’m not hooking up with other women so there’s no risk of falling in love, or impregnating another woman, or catching an STD.” Instead of changing the behavior, it’s easier to tell ourselves things that allow us to not feel bad about continuing.

I am wondering if you’re mildly depressed. Sometimes people dealing with frustration and discontent in life seek escapist activities in an effort to feel excited about something, to feel alive, to be so engrossed in something that they temporarily “escape” their problems. That activity could be almost anything (video games, shopping, drugs, alcohol, sports, gambling, sex). When you were seeing a professional about all this, did you discuss this possibility?

Or, it could be that what turns you on the most just happens to be incompatible with the kind of marriage your wife wants.

Here’s the bottom line, continuing to seek your sexual thrills via phone sex workers is communicating to your wife that she is less important to you. Whether that is true or not, that is what your behavior is telling her. If you love her and can’t imagine life without her, then you need to take care of her and your relationship. Re-direct that sexual energy you were paying other women to take, toward your wife. Have a deep, brutally honest talk with her about how you are feeling and what you want from her, then let her do the same and really listen to what she says. You both can’t heal and move forward positively until you both feel heard and understood. And if you two decide to try counseling, find a sex positive therapist.

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