The Naked Advice

Model & Writer Liz LaPoint answers your questions about dating, sex, and relationships

You’ve probably noticed a lot of women have tweeted and written as their Facebook status “Me too”, a collective awareness campaign to show people how common it is to be the victim of sexual assault or harassment. Sparked by the Harvey Weinstein allegations by too many women to count now, the national conversation on what constitutes sexual harassment, assault, and how to prevent it all has had famous people and the rest of us speaking out on everything from how women dress (so tired, that one) to the so-called Billy Graham Rule.

To those who don’t know, Christian Evangelicals (and some other religions) preach unmarried men and women should never be in a room alone together, no matter if you’re work colleagues or doctor and patient. This was made more known when Mike Pence made reference to following this rule, and once again it’s creeped into a discussion on whether or not it’s a reasonable stance to take in opposite sex relations. I think it’s one thing for a male doctor to take precautions against false claims by having a female nurse in the room with him and his patients, it’s another for everyone to live their entire life trying to avoid looking unfaithful to others or being “tempted”; the Billy Graham rule sees men as inherently wild animals who can’t control themselves, as if the inclination to assault is the norm. The rule insults good, thinking men.

Not to mention, segregation (by sex or race) doesn’t do anything to foster a progressive, healthy, peaceful society. It is no coincidence the cultures most segregated by sex are the least peaceful. How can men and women learn to understand each other, learn from each other, and respect each other if a culture maintains an in-group bias by gender, and females are continually viewed as either potential sexual objects or chaste mother figures? Women can’t be equal if what prevents them from getting promoted at work is the knowledge that the new VP would need to work closely side-by-side with the male president.

Some figures are asserting Harvey Weinstein could have avoided the mess he’s in right now if he’d followed the Billy Graham Rule. That’s nonsense; it implies that the women are lying or that he didn’t really want to abuse his power this way, he simply found himself tempted by these Jezebels and gave in because he’s a man, after all. Bullshit. Just fucking bullshit.

I can’t join the thousands of women who are sharing their stories of sexual harassment or assault by writing “Me too”. I’ve never been raped, sexually abused, or assaulted. I have, however, experienced very mild forms of harassment that belong in such a gray area as to have been so benign that to include them would be an insult to women who’ve suffered the real deal. Plus, I also think sharing those benign experiences would only serve to lessen the impact of the overall message.

Some are focusing this conversation on Hollywood’s notoriously misogynistic culture that has covered up for men like Harvey Weinstein, a studio executive who co-founded Miramax, since the beginning. I’m not, it’s a culture that permeates all industries because it’s our society that raises these boys to become men who abuse their power and don’t know the difference between normal flirtation and sexual harassment (or don’t care). If we maintain a focus on Hollywood, it only serves to send the message to the rest of America that a permissive attitude toward sexual harassment is something that mostly affects the entertainment industry, “over there, far way from us”.

These men aren’t “sex addicts” (which is considered a non-thing by most experts), they’re narcissists or men who’ve developed maladaptive ways of handling female rejection (please don’t mistake that for me implying they deserve pity). I think “I’m a sex addict” has become the go-to bullshit excuse in an attempt to garner sympathy and distance one’s self from responsibility.

I hope this national discussion enlightens those who might be unaware of how their behavior can be perceived and gives a voice to those who’ve been victimized.

For more information on this subject:

Flirting vs Sexual Harassment

Know Your Rights At Work: Workplace Sexual Harassment

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As many of you know, I’ve been writing a memoir for a few years now. It is an emotional process dwelling on the past when you’d rather live in the moment and focus on your future, but when you feel that you have a personal story that needs to be written out and shared with others, remembering the past becomes a daily necessity. And since I’d rather not let a few more years go by before it’s done, I realize I need to limit some other responsibilities for a bit.

In order to focus on completing my final revisions I’ve decided to take a couple of weeks off from answering letters. I appreciate that you trust me for advice on very personal matters and that sometimes your letters are time-sensitive, so please know that I will prioritize the most time-sensitive letters when I return to blogging on Monday, October 16th.

I will maintain my social media accounts, partly because updating Instagram or tweeting  can be done within a matter of minutes, but also so nobody worries I’m in a coma or dead 😉

Thank you so much for understanding!

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Mark wrote: “I was wondering if you had any thoughts on mental illness and sexuality. I’ve always felt very dominant in the bedroom, but there’s a psychological side of being dominant that’s become much harder for me as I’ve developed depression and issues with anxiety. Being submissive feels inauthentic, but it’s a little easier to breathe and it feels like someone’s lifting a little bit of the burden. But I’ve lost control a lot outside the bedroom and so I crave having it inside. What do you think I should do?”

Liz says: You don’t mention if you’ve sought treatment for your depression and anxiety. As far as what you should do, that would be the first step. Tell your primary care doctor about how you’ve been feeling and they can refer you to an appropriate doctor or therapist. This could be medical or psychological, and the right help can improve your depression and anxiety, and could lead to improving your sex life.

Even without major bumps in life, like suffering from depression, many of us notice over time our sexual desires evolve. Could it be possible that you’re just realizing neither extreme (Dominant or submissive) excites you or fits your needs anymore? It’s a sign of depression when the things that used to rev your neurons now barely light them up, so it’s likely that once the depression and anxiety have been treated you’ll find being dominant as enjoyable as you used to. However, there’s also the chance that your sexuality is simply changing.

As just one example, I knew someone who said he used to find lesbians having sex a huge turn-on and now he finds it “meh”. Maybe he overdosed on lesbian porn when he was in his twenties and his brain no longer finds it novel and exciting. While you don’t specify that you no longer find being either dominant or submissive arousing, I think what you’re saying about the discomfort and anxiety you feel about both roles could be another way in which our sexual desires change.

Without treating your anxiety and depression first, however, your sex life will probably continue to cause you more anxiety, so please seek help for those!

Depressed man portrait

 

Sean wrote: “Hi Liz. I loved your videos. My love for feet has mostly been on tickling them. I had a cousin who babysat me when I was a kid and when she was barefoot I would tickle her feet. Also a lot of cartoons I watched had some episodes that featured feet tickling in it. I met with a girl once and gathered the nerve to tell her I thought a girl with ticklish feet was cute. She called me a freak for it. I don’t talk to my family about it and I only told two friends about it but not the ones that I spend most time with. I’m slowly starting to accept it but the problem is that I’m single, not dating anyone and going to clubs where I pay to tickle girl’s feet has gotten costly and feels hollow, like I would rather have the real thing. What advice would you give for somebody like me who is in his mid 30s, single, and doesn’t really know how to indulge or control that urge?”

Liz says: You sound like most unmarried adults who reach a point in their lives when they realize they’re ready for a long-term commitment. Just substitute “sleeping around feels hollow” for what you wrote about paying girls to tickle their feet.

You should accept that some people are going to label you a “freak” for what turns you on, I say you should own it like a boss. Next time it happens smile, take it like a compliment, and say something along the lines of “I’m relieved you don’t think I’m boring.” Keep in mind that anything that goes against the norm will make you a freak in the eyes of mainstream average people. I had a friend once call me a freak for being vegan and an atheist, and I wasn’t surprised because she had always been more of a conformist. Anyway, the point is don’t allow others to shame you about something they don’t understand and isn’t shameful.

I’m glad you don’t talk to your family about it, why would you? You’re an adult, your sex life is your private business. But you’re not alone in mentioning this. For some reason, a lot of men with sexual fetishes or other atypical desires will ask me if or how they should tell their family about their fetish/kink. Part of being a healthy autonomous adult is putting up that boundary with family. Your sex life is none of their business! There is no reason they need to know if you like crossdressing, prefer oral sex to vaginal intercourse, or have a thing for large-breasted redheads.

What do you mean when you write that you don’t know how to “indulge or control that urge”? I suspect what you mean is that you don’t know how to incorporate your fetish into a real relationship. A lot of men like you falsely believe it’s either/or; you either indulge your fetish with a prostitute or dominatrix, or live without it in a “vanilla” relationship. I’m here to tell you that you CAN have both.

What you can do is focus on finding a compatible partner, someone who is a sexually open-minded and also everything else that is important to you. Don’t lead with your fetish, disclose it when the timing is right (after things are getting serious). The right one won’t dismiss you as weird, she will be intrigued and want to explore it with you. She’s out there, so keep looking!

**On a side note, have you read my recent blog post For Tickle Fetishists and Fans of S&M? 

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Thumbnail for my YouTube video on tickle fetishes, click here to watch!

 

 

 

Being aroused by tickle torture is a fascinating thing, and here to share his experience and thoughts on the matter is Franco, a tickle fetishist!

Liz: Are you most aroused by being tickled, or being the tickler? Would you say that most people with this fetish fall under one or the other, or are there a lot of people who can “switch”?

Franco: “I’d say my main arousal comes from being tickled. Being the victim, a submissive, is much more appealing to me. I’m also quite happy to switch and be the tickler once in awhile! Most of the women I run into who want to play are usually new or vanilla and generally don’t like the thought of being tortured themselves. When someone is adventurous enough, I like to give them a taste of their own medicine! Being very ticklish myself, I’m quite good at getting a response out of anyone I tickle.”

Liz: In my video about tickle fetishes, I speculate on the possible reasons one would be aroused by tickling and laughter. One reason was that tickling is a form of domination and submission that doesn’t involve actual pain, just the “torture” of being tickled. Does this apply to you?

Franco: “I think the fetish formed sometime in my childhood, as most do, and there was something fascinating about a woman being so much more powerful than me and forcing laughter and submission out of me through tickling. It’s also been much easier to experiment with than most fetishes, especially early on in high school and such. I mean, what friend wouldn’t want to tickle their friend to death, with PERMISSION, nonetheless?”

L: How often does bondage also play a role? And are there rules usually agreed upon before engaging in tickling sex?

F: “For me, it’s a must. The thrill really comes from being completely helpless. Many people who play with bondage and severe tickling will have a safe word, which is probably a good idea. I personally wouldn’t want one because I know my limits. My only request is that if it seems I can’t breathe, to maybe let up a little bit! Tickling can be pretty torturous psychologically for some, as well, so it’s important to make everyone comfortable with what is about to happen to them!” (Cont. after photo)

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L: Are there any misconceptions about your fetish you’d like to clear up?

F: “Just like with any fetish, we are not freaks. We can’t help what we like. Developing an unusual interest is something very natural and people really shouldn’t hide from what they feel. A guy being tickled might seem emasculating or weak, but that’s what I enjoy about being on the receiving end. It’s nice to be taken down a peg. It’s also nice to play around in a way that is very different than what most people are doing in the bedroom!”

L: What advice would you give someone with this fetish who might be struggling with shame or with trying to find partners?

F: “There are so many websites where you can find fellow tickling fans. Some have forums and chats. You’ll likely run into a lot of fake accounts, but there’s the off chance you’re really connect with someone. The best way, I find, is to just be frank with someone you’re close to. Asking to tickle them, or asking them to tickle you, is a lot more friendly and fun than, say, asking to lick their feet. We have it pretty easy in the long run!”

Interested in exploring this world? AdamandEve.com has several ticklers to choose from, including some that also have spanking paddles on the other end! (Cont. after photo)

Scandal feather crop

You can find the 2 pictured above here and here. When you shop at AdamandEve.com enter code NAKED at checkout to get 50% Off 1 Item + Free Shipping on your entire order in the US & Canada. *Certain exclusions apply. 100% satisfaction guarantee. 24/7 customer service. 90 Day No Hassle Returns/Exchanges.

Have Fun!

BB wrote: “I am happily married and am trying to figure out how to talk to my wife about a specific sexual desire. Pegging. I have wanted to ask her for some time if she would want to peg me. I just can’t get up the courage. We have a great relationship and we have amazing sex. Even after 20 years of marriage! We have both admitted in the past 10 years that things have gotten vanilla. Intercourse, she’s on top, I’m on top, etc.”

Liz says: Start by showing her my YouTube video about pegging, then have her read my latest informational blog on the subject, Want To Try Pegging? Here’s How!

These two can help you gauge her response to the possibility, and prompt the conversation that can dispel any myths or misconceptions she might have about it. If after watching the video and reading the post she says she has no interest, that’s an opportunity for you to ask her if there’s anything new she would like to try.

Congratulations on having a long, happy marriage!

 

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Michael Qors wrote:Ever since I can remember, I have always been aroused by wristwatches. I become especially aroused when women wore them. I felt compelled to ask random women I saw in public places about their watch. I began to pay models to see their wristwatches. Then I began to pay them to lick them. I paid several models for pictures and videos of women licking their watches and masturbating. I prefer circular faced watches. I tried to think that this fetish originated from an attractive family friend of mine having a wristwatch but hers was small. I prefer bigger wristwatches, especially on women.

I buy all my girlfriends wristwatches and very strongly suggest they wear them. Sometimes I am too forceful but I am embarrassed about my fetish. What do you think about this fetish? What should I do with my future girlfriends/wife?”

Liz says: Before cellphones came along, wristwatches were worn by almost everyone. They were far more common when you were growing up, and had a purpose. Now, they’re worn mostly as jewelry and even then, it’s not very common. I sometimes see them worn as a statement piece, as part of an ensemble, and that statement is “I’m so important and busy that I can’t be bothered to dig out my cellphone to see what time it is. A flip of the wrist will tell me the time much more quickly.” I also suppose if you need to know the time but want to avoid appearing as if you’re distracted by your phone, wearing a watch will prevent that. Anyway, their rarity nowadays makes me wonder if you’d still have this fetish had you been growing up now.

Women’s wrists are dainty and slim, and for many, sexy. What I find intriguing though is that you prefer bigger watches. It’s like you want to detract from her feminine wrist by adding a more “masculine” object. Perhaps it’s the masculine symbolism of “powerful” that large wristwatches connote that you find sexy. Did your attractive family friend (or other women) often chastise you with the hand they had adorned with a watch? I suspect that female domination might be the underlying turn-on.

You haven’t mentioned if this has been an issue of contention in your relationships. How have past girlfriends responded to your fetish? Was it ever a reason for a break-up? Are you able to have sex with your girlfriends without the watch being the obvious focus? If you want to have a serious relationship or get married, but find that your love for time pieces causes a rift, you should consider seeking help from a sex-positive therapist (like psychotherapist Rob Peach) who can guide you in incorporating your fetish in healthy ways.

Clever alias, by the way 😉

 

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Thomas wrote:Hey Liz. I’m 23. My question is about ball-busting. I can’t remember when I got into it exactly but eventually about a year and a half ago I started seeking this from girls. I built up a tolerance and now it’s all I like. Now I don’t even try to have sex or have normal relationships with women. Normally it’s just ball-busting I seek. I can’t tell if it’s just ’cause it’s so hard to find a woman to have a romantic relationship with or maybe it’s that I got bored of rejection and migrated to something easier and more thrilling? Whatever it is I’ve tried my hardest to keep my romantic life and ball-busting life separate. That means, no talking about ball-busting to women I want to date and not trying to date women that bust my balls. But with both so hard to find for me I’m wondering if I should bring both desires together?

Should I just not pay for ball-busting anymore with college girls and try dating again? Or is this a bad habit?

Liz says: I consulted psychotherapist Rob Peach about your letter, Thomas (click here to visit his website). Here’s what he had to say:

“I would encourage him to avoid either/or thinking on this issue.  Choose partners to date that you are BOTH attracted to AND who are nonjudgmental and kinky can help him reconcile his conflicting feelings on this issue and help him create opportunities to safely explore this kink with trusted parters.”

I agree with him, you shouldn’t give up on finding a girlfriend who will be down with satisfying your specific sexual desires. You’re not the only man to do this, by the way. It’s a very common predicament men create in which they separate women into “whores” or “wife material”. It’s a false dichotomy, as women can be both ideal life partners and fun in the bedroom. Too many men marry the “wife material” and then cheat on her with another woman because they think their wives are “too good” to have the kind of sex they really want to have. That’s not a recipe for happiness for anyone involved.

But I went a bit further with Rob, asking why it is that we are more accepting of self-harming behaviors if sex is involved. If someone is cutting themselves, we suggest they get therapy and sometimes medication helps alleviate the underlying emotional issues.  He replied:

“I don’t know if there is definitive medical evidence about the potential harm from ball busting, but avoiding the activity is not going to diminish the intensity of the fetish.  We all pursue activities that have potential risks, from playing football to sky diving and downhill skiing, and we don’t avoid those things that give us pleasure because there could be harm.  What we do is find ways to minimize the risks.  Ball busters might want to establish where their limits are and stick to them to decrease the likelihood of damage.  Using specific toys or tools that are less likely to cause harm (a sandal instead of a stilleto heel) and choosing partners carefully can go a long way in protecting oneself.  And, avoiding substances when busting can decrease the likelihood that you experience decreased sensation or that you will use poor judgment can help.”

Bottom line: be open to finding the woman of your dreams who can be both a life partner and ball-kicking dominatrix. I think there’s a good chance that once you’ve fallen in love with the right woman for you, your sexual desires could evolve to include other sexual activities, too. Who knows? 😉

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Maynard James Keenan wrote: “So here is the skinny. My girlfriend is a little smoking hot redhead and has for the better part of the year been telling me she wants a woman on board. This usually happens during bad girl/bad boy heated pillow talk. Now she occasionally points out prospects during grocery shopping extravaganzas. Should I be concerned?”

Liz says: Concerned with what? That she might be a Russian spy? That this is a sign she’s joined a polygamist cult? That she secretly loves Adam Sandler comedies?

Seriously though, maybe you’re thinking she’s bisexual, poly, or gay. Without more to go on, I say you should outright ask her what her desires are specifically and what they mean for both of you. You can’t move forward without an honest, open discussion. Just be sure not to initiate this conversation during “bad girl/bad boy pillow talk”. We all say things that are fantasy during those moments, you want to know that what you’re telling each other can be taken seriously.

If she wants to have an open relationship or just find a woman who wants to be a booty call for the threesomes you two want to have, I recommend discussing all the possible issues that could arise and deciding on rules together.

Good luck, MJK 😉

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Ty wrote: “I have been masturbating until I feel like I’m going to orgasm and then stopping or slowing down; like trying to control my orgasm. Sometimes I will do this all day and have an orgasm 8-12 hours later, edging with breaks to do stuff around the house. Other times I will edge for a few days and finally have an edging session where I finish. It seems like this has recently become a mainstream fetish. Is this true? Have you or will you try edging? I would like to know your experience with this. Are there any health risks? I heard it could enlarge your prostate or decrease sensitivity if you do it too much. Are there any techniques that you know of? I usually try to go as slow as possible by not “chasing” my orgasm and completely relaxing my PC muscle. Can women also relax their muscles to extend their orgasm?”

Liz says: I contacted Dr. Susie Gronski, a physiotherapist, to help me help you, Ty (click here to visit her website). She is better equipped to handle some of your questions. Here is what she had to say:

“Egding, if done with conscious practice, can be quite liberating. Whether or not it’s mainstream, well that depends on what you’re reading and who you’re talking to. This practice has been adopted and tweaked from ancient Hindu and Buddhist practices of Tantra and is more widely associated in western culture as tantric sex and not so much the actual, spiritual practice of Tantra.

There’s no literature, to my knowledge, that proves edging or withholding from orgasm is “harmful” for your body. Edging is a concept that can enhance your sexual vigor and vitality. However, the question remains, are you edging correctly? When withholding an orgasm you want to make sure that you’re not stopping an orgasm from happening while it’s happening. This disrupts the natural flow of things and may potentially cause retrograde ejaculation. When a man orgasms, the muscles surrounding the bladder neck tighten to prevent semen from entering the bladder and the fluid is diverted into the penile urethra ready for action. If you’re building up sexual arousal over multiple times per day or over multiple days, what happens to the fluids that were prepped to be loaded? So, you want to make sure that you’re not building too much sexual arousal and tension without ejaculating as this can create fluid retention around the prostate and testicles which can lead to testicular or abdominal pain. You know the saying “blue balls”? Yup, that’s it. It’s prolonged sexual arousal without ejaculation. If you’ve ever had a case of the blue balls you know it’s not the greatest feeling in the world.

When you orgasm, your pelvic floor muscles have to spasmodically contract to expel semen and prostatic fluids. That’s how they work. So I would encourage you to work your pelvic floor muscles in both ways, relaxed and contracted. When should you contract? When you want to finish and get your big O. Use your pelvic floor muscles to enhance your orgasmic experience and relax when you want to last longer, build up sexual energy and be more mindful in the moment.

There are also a lot of nerve endings and neurological processes that occur when a man or woman gets aroused. Doing too much of anything isn’t always a good idea. There’s got to be a healthy balance. I would be curious to study if repetitive relaxation after induced sexual arousal would cause a dampening of sensation or an inability to get aroused. Sorta like the boy who cried wolf situation if you catch my drift. Women can also control their orgasm just like men can. They essentially have the same muscles down there just different parts. To put it in a female’s perspective, it’s like using a vibrator on the clitoris. At first, you don’t need much stimulation or intensity to feel good but after a while the nervous system adapts and then requires more and more stimulation and intensity to get the same pleasure feeling and achieve orgasm.

So in my opinion, varying sexual activities and changing it up from time to time is best sex practice or using techniques that challenge your sexual tastebuds without stopping the normal flow or physiological processes from occurring like orgasms.”

So there you have it, Ty, straight from the doctor! As far as your question about whether I’ve personally tried edging: No, I wouldn’t enjoy the frustration 😉

Check out Dr. Susie’s book: Pelvic Pain, The Ultimate Cock Block

And Follow her on Twitter and Instagram!

Risk- yes:no