The Naked Advice

with Model & Writer Liz LaPoint

B. W. wrote: “So sometimes, idk why, but I just can’t be on bottom, I can’t stay hard. Same with getting oral…. it’s pissed off some girlfriends. I’ve concluded it’s a control issue that forms randomly. I’m 6’8 so I don’t exactly fit with all people. But say I’m in control… rock hard! Especially of she’s flexible to compensate for size difference. But the minute I lay on my back, I’d say 30% of the time I can’t stay hard for her to ride. Unless she’s very active and skilled lol, same with getting head. If I lay down I just can’t stay hard for more than a few minutes before I almost get bored and have to grab her or make her sit on my face… like I have to be doing something almost or I’m not into it. And it’s odd because it’s not always like that. And it’s not like that with everyone, but enough for some girlfriends to feel hurt, like they failed.”

Liz says: It sounds to me like you’re just not into being a passive or submissive partner. Even though you mention it’s difficult for you to stay aroused about 30% of the time, that it happens often enough at all that you wonder what’s going on tells me that you should probably stick to doing what you know keeps you turned on, and it sounds like being in control is what does it for you.

Is it possible that because you’re so tall you have some concern about coming off as too aggressive, so you compensate by trying to be more laid-back in the bedroom? I know that being taller than the average person can cause some to bend over backward in an attempt to make up for seeming more intimidating or imposing. You know, the opposite of the Napoleon Complex.

Since you know yourself better through these experiences, it’s up to you to communicate what you like and don’t like with your girlfriends, and hopefully prevent any disappointed or hurt feelings. If you prefer being on top, just say it! For a personal example, I think the “69” position is terribly overrated and does absolutely nothing for me, so when a past boyfriend suggested we do it I communicated exactly why I don’t like it (before sex, not during). If he had tried it out during sex, instead of killing the mood by blurting out “This is bullshit and does nothing for me”, I would’ve simply said, “I don’t enjoy 69 but I do enjoy this…” Or I would’ve silently changed positions and then told him later what I thought of it.

In summary, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you, you just have to own what turns you on and stick with it!

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Tyler wrote: “I have a question. I am a 25 year old male and I have been with only 2-3 different women in my life. The current girlfriend I have been with for 4 years and I have a slight problem. I don’t know why but I am incapable of reaching orgasm while inside a woman. I don’t know why this is and I think it’s starting to ruin my current relationship. I am deeply concerned about this seeing as how I wanna propose to this girl, please help.”

Liz says: Since you stated that you’re incapable of reaching orgasm while inside “a woman”, meaning all of your partners, not just your current girlfriend, I suggest you get a thorough medical check-up. There could be several causes to identify, but it’s important to rule out medical reasons first by receiving an examination by a physician.

Once your doctor rules out medical reasons, you can delve into other possibilities. Depression (or anti-depressant medication), certain religious influences, past sexual abuse, and sexual fetishes can all play a role in affecting a man’s ability to maintain an erection or enjoy traditional sexual relations.

But there’s also another possibility that’s less “OMG what’s wrong with me?” Perhaps you’re simply too nervous and afraid of an unintended pregnancy or sexually-transmitted infections. Even wearing protection, sometimes concerns over very real consequences of sexual intercourse can keep you from thoroughly enjoying the act. Are you able to orgasm from receiving oral sex? Or mutual masturbation?

If you’re stressing about these things, try opening up to your girlfriend about your concerns. Have a real, honest discussion and hopefully you both would know where to take it from there. You mention you’ve been together 4 years, so I’m wondering how you’ve handled it all this time, but it’s never too late to start this conversation if you haven’t already.

To learn more about male anorgasmia, click here and here.

But please remember to get that medical exam!

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D wrote: “My girlfriend (of 4 years) and I just had our first child, a daughter, in December. Life as first time parents has been stressful as we never quite saw eye-to-eye on most things (opposites attract, I guess).

Last night, my girlfriend brought the topic of nudity at home, raising a child up. This surprised me because I’ve struggled with where I stand and my conflicting opinions/comfort on the topic.

We agree that, when executed properly, parents who raise children in a body positive “naked house” (as I’ve heard them referred to by people who’ve grown up in them) CAN produce mature, realistic, well adjusted, healthy kids. We’re just not sure of our own or each other’s boundaries. She is also concerned with having to explain her parenting to her family, friends or our child’s peers/other parents down the road.

We DO agree on when enough is enough as at some point our child will become uncomfortable and crave privacy. But we either disagree or are unsure of everything else. To be clear, we were *fairly* nude-friendly people before the baby but I don’t think anything out of the ordinary.

So, my question is: Do you have any pointers for brand new, first time parents who are open to raising kids in a nude-friendly home but aren’t totally sure of how to get on the same page & go about it?”

Liz says: It’s unclear to me whether you are referring to raising her in a home where you both rarely wear clothing (a “naked house”) or a home in which the nudity is more incidental (she walks in to see you in the buff while showering, changing clothes, etc.) Either way, there’s no evidence that raising kids in a home in which non-sexual nudity is the norm is damaging to them. On the contrary, I think it allows them to develop healthy attitudes toward their own bodies, shows them what their bodies will look like later in life, and allows them to “study” the differences between males and females.

My hubby and I have a 5 year old son, and we both discussed our attitudes and expectations on this very subject, too. Neither of us have ever hidden our bodies in shame if our son wandered into the bathroom or bedroom while we emerged from the shower or got dressed. We believe that to yell at him or hide our bodies would teach him the wrong thing and perverts a natural, normal state. To yell at your kids or hide your body reveals an inability to recognize nudity as a non-sexual state, it sends the message that nudity is shameful and to look at your parents while nude is an inherently sexual act–which it is not. Plus, we have to see him nude while changing his clothes and bathing him, and when we had to potty-train him, so allowing him to see us nude makes things even for him.

However, we don’t walk around nude while cooking or cleaning or watching movies with him. But that’s only because we aren’t comfortable with that personally, not because we think there’s something wrong with it. Our rule is that we will stop being nonchalantly nude around him as soon as he expresses discomfort with it. It’s all about balance and mutual respect, in my opinion.

Don’t worry too much about this, it sounds like you both have a good head on your shoulders and will figure out what feels right for your family. Speaking of family, tell your girlfriend not to worry about “having to explain” to hers why your kids aren’t ashamed of their bodies.

For further reading, I found this expert’s 5 rules informative and reasonable: Is It Okay To Be Naked In Front Of Your Kids?

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K wrote: “Me and my girlfriend are very young (I’m 21 and she’s 20) but we have been dating 5 years and we have already dabbled in a swinger-ish cuckold/hotwife relationship for about 2 years now.We both love it but now she wants to fuck my best friend (which is crazy hot to both of us) so how do I tell my bestfriend I want him to fuck my girlfriend and it not be weird? Lol”

Liz says: I imagine it would probably be easiest to bring it up to him next time you two are hanging out in a relaxed atmosphere and you can talk in relative privacy. Casually tell him that she wants to be with him for a night and you’re more than okay with it. Be forthcoming with your feelings and reasons and what you and your girlfriend want out of the experience. How he responds will tell you how to take it from there.

I don’t know how close you are to your best friend, but keep in mind the possible consequences. Humans produce a hormone called oxytocin when we have sex (and when we hug each other or share meals together) and it’s responsible for helping us feel connected emotionally to others. It’s one of the reasons we often fall in love with those we have sex with (even when we assume it will only be casual) so there’s a chance your girlfriend and/or her partners will develop a bond. The only reason it’s worth noting now is because you are involving a close friend. Many couples who enjoy non-monogamous relationships have a rule of only having this kind of fun with people they’re not close to or have other connections with (like co-workers, etc), to lessen the risk of emotional attachments. But with your best friend, whom I assume you and your girlfriend probably see on a regular basis, there’s a greater chance of repetitive hook-ups and resulting emotional attachments.

When you have that conversation with your buddy, keep these things in mind so if he shows interest you can go over rules and concerns. I’m guessing you’ve already done the same thing with your girlfriend but if not make sure you discuss this fully with her before even bringing it up to him.

Good luck!

Two Guys and A Girl

Liz: “I’m happy we connected over Twitter a couple of years ago! I enjoy reading your balanced, reasonable, experienced answers to the letters you receive on your website TheTaoOfIndifference.com

Demetrius: “Thanks Liz! I’m glad we connected on Twitter all those years back as well. I think you take a very balanced and reasonable approach to answering questions as well!”

Liz: “You live in Brooklyn, NY now. What’s the dating scene like there? Have you ever lived somewhere else, and was dating different there?”

D: “Well I think I’m at a bit of a disadvantage, or maybe it’s an advantage, when it comes to talking about dating scenes because I’m a lifelong New Yorker. I’ve lived here my whole life, and while I love to travel, I can’t picture living, or dating, anywhere else. When I say the Brooklyn dating scene is good, I can really only compare it to what I hear from other people and their experiences dating in other cities. I think Brooklyn, and New York City as a whole are great dating scenes primarily because they attract so many people that your dating pool will never get stagnant. I’ve met so many incredibly women from so many different walks of life, religions, ethnic groups, etc. that I honestly think I’m a little spoiled.”

Liz: “What is the ‘Tao of Indifference’?”

D: “So here’s a confession, the name of the blog originally comes from an inside joke amongst my friends. For years, way before I had an inkling of writing about dating and relationships, I developed a reputation amongst my friends of being pretty indifferent when it came to dating. Got rejected, no big deal. Girl broke up with me today, meet someone new later tonight. So when I decided to start the blog, I was brainstorming blog name ideas with a buddy of mine whose a marketing whiz. He came up with the name and the name stuck. To me, it’s all about having a little detachment from the things that are out of your control in dating and relationships, so that you can focus on the things you can affect. I think that’s what makes me successful in dating, and that’s what I want my readers and listeners to learn from me. Basically, “don’t sweat the small stuff”. You’re going to get rejected when you date, don’t focus on that, focus on finding someone who is a better fit for you.”

L: “You interviewed me last year on your podcast which was fun! Did you start the blog or the podcast first?”

D:It was fun, I thought you were a great guest and maybe the only one who I’ve spoken with at length about fetishes. I started the blog first, in January of 2013. Then the podcast in January of 2014. I would say that things really started picking up in 2015, because when I started I was just sort of winging it and learning as I went.”

L: “What’s the craziest date you went on?”

D: “Let’s go crazy good, and crazy bad, because I’ve been on a lot of different dates that turned out crazy in a lot of different ways. One of my craziest first dates, in a good way, was a date that lasted almost 12 hours. We met for drinks at around 7pm, started making out at that bar, then went to a wine bar after the first bar got crowded, started making out at that bar, then we went and got food at about 1am, THEN we took our food and did karaoke in a private room until 5am.

The absolute craziest bad date I went on, was a date where my date and I were mugged. It was a first date and we decided to hang out in a park to people watch and talk. By the time the sun had set, we were making out on a bench when someone approached us, got our attention, then said that he had a gun. We handed over what we had, left the park, went to her place and called the cops. It was more surreal than anything else.

Most of my dating life is way more mundane than these two dates, I promise.”

L: “What’s the weirdest or most interesting letter you received?”

D: “Honestly, most of the questions I get are fairly simple, and even the most interesting ones are really, at their core, fairly mundane. How soon is too soon to do something? Did I do something wrong? When should a certain dating or relationship milestone happen? Things like that.

The most interesting thing I’ve ever received on the blog, however, is a comment someone made on a post. I wrote about preferences in dating, around height, body type, race, religion, etc., and for context, the piece is about 1100 words. The person who commented left a 750 word comment on the piece where he said that the article was long-winded, and went on to essentially write fan-fiction about himself and how confident he was. At one point he used the the terms “naughty double advantage” and “naughty loophole”. It is truly bizarre and while I’ll never approve the comment, I can’t help but read it from time to time.”

L: “If you could go back to your teens knowing then what you know now, what would you do differently?”

D: Stop being so focused on having sex. I think that, like a lot of teenage boys, there was this vague societal pressure to have sex. I tried so hard to have sex early on, and tried to have as much sex as possible. I’d have been much better served if I had spent my teenage years trying to connect with women, rather than just trying to get in their pants.”

L: “What would you say is the biggest dating mistake men make and women make?”

D: “First, coming on way too strong too early on. Second, trying so hard to please people you don’t showcase your personality. Third, always looking for a better option. I think that will only become more and more true with the way people date online. I think that for the most part, these things are common between men and women.

My advice is this: if you feel like you come on too strong too soon, set boundaries for yourself that you stick to. That could be as simple as “I won’t text the next person I date 5 times a day if I have nothing to say”. If you’re trying too hard, it’s probably because you’re afraid of getting rejected, which is a bad idea. It’s always better to get rejected so you can find someone who likes the real you, rather than sticking around to be with someone who likes fake-you. Finally, if you’re going to date online, figure out the things you want and need in a relationship, what your dealbreakers are, and if you find someone who sounds like the person you described, take a leap of faith and give them an honest try.”

L: “Would you say it’s a good or bad idea to join dating websites that cater to something very specific, like religious affiliation or race?”

D: “I think that in some cases, it’s a bad idea to join niche dating sites, but in a lot of cases it’s not. It really all depends on how important your niche is to you. I love comic books, but I would never join a niche dating site that only caters to comic book fans. That said, if marrying someone who shares your faith is extremely important to you, it would make sense to sign up for a site or app that caters to your faith. The one thing to keep in mind is that most niche dating apps have very small user bases, so it might still be easier to find someone on larger dating sites.”

L: “Did you get any dating and relationship advice from your parents when you were younger?”

D: “My mother gave me a really good piece of dating advice when I was 9 years old. I had a crush on a girl in my class and I asked my mother what I should do. She told me to ask her out, to be myself, and if I get rejected remember that it’s not a big deal. It’s advice I give on a pretty regular basis.”

L: “Personally, what’s your biggest turn-off when you first date a woman?”

D: “Lack of confidence for sure. I don’t need a partner who is overly confident, I don’t need someone who is just irrationally confident at all times, but if a woman has no confidence in herself, it’s a big turn-off.”

L: “What would you love to see change in our culture regarding sexuality and relationships?”

D: “I would love to see more open, honest, and frank discussion about sexuality and relationships, from all walks of life. Just think of how infrequently you’ve heard about what sex is like after middle-age, compared to how much money is spent advertising erectile dysfunction medication to middle aged men. There are conversations around sex and relationships that are happening all the time, but I’d love to hear more diverse conversations.”

L: “We have a lot in common! Not only are we both in the business of relationship advice, but we are both of mixed race. Do you find being mixed presents its own challenges in relationships?”

D: “Haha yes! We’re two peas in a pod! I definitely think that being mixed, dating interracially, or just interculturally, presents it’s own challenges. Even in a best case scenario where you meet someone who doesn’t share your background, but is open to learning about you in an earnest way, there is still a certain amount of challenge there because you don’t share the same cultural shorthand, for lack of a better term. Sometimes it’s bigger stuff, and sometimes it’s as small as explaining to someone that I grew up singing Stevie Wonder’s Happy Birthday song on birthdays.

In my experience, if you’re dating someone who is open-minded, the challenges can be overcome. I’ve dated people from all races and ethnic groups, from all sorts of backgrounds, and each one comes with it’s own challenges but, and this might sound cheesy, but love conquers all.”

Follow Demetrius here:

Taoofindifference.com
Twitter.com/DemetriusSays
Facebook.com/Taoofindifference

demetrius

David wrote: “So there is this girl I really like. We went out once a long time ago (Dec 2015). We went out again recently and had a great time. I made the date romantic and there was a lot of flirting and she touched me on the arm and shoulder. We ended the night with a makeout session. Told me to text her when I got home. The next day we decided to make plans for the next weekend and to see a movie. She told me she’s independent and doesn’t want a fancy dinner. And wanted to either pay for Chickfila or the movie tickets and wanted to make plans for this weekend. We agreed. Well she went dark on me and I havent heard from her since Wednesday. And I haven’t been clingy or anything like that. And messaged her once on Friday to see if we are still on, still nothing from her side. I see she’s posting snapchats and looking at my stories. Idk if she’s into me or not anymore. She did say she was busy with school, applying for a new manager position and working/performing in a play. So she’s been busy. But she’s posting a ton of snapchats and it only takes 2.5 seconds to say Hi or whatever. Just confused because date went absolutely wonderful, made plans for a 2nd date and now she went dark. Help?”

Liz says: Ugh, that’s the worst! When you go out with someone and you’re feeling it and you feel like they’re feeling it and you make plans to see each other again and then NOTHING.

Ghosting/going dark/dropping off the face of the Earth or whatever euphemism you like to use, they all describe the same thing: when someone is too cowardly, insensitive, immature, and self-absorbed to be honest with someone about their lack of interest so they just stop all contact. It’s incredibly disrespectful because it leaves the other person wondering what happened and then they waste time trying to maintain contact when they could’ve just moved on had their date been clear with them.

You already know that there’s no excuse for her ghosting on you, David, which is why you acknowledge “it only takes 2.5 seconds to say Hi”. It’s not that she’s “busy”. No one is ever too busy for someone they’re into or for someone they are falling for.

Don’t get hung up on her behavior during your date, believe her actions since then. Sometimes people are very kind, flirtatious, even sexual on a date with someone they actually don’t see a future with, and their true feelings come forth with their behavior after the date ends. It’s confusing, for sure, but you just have to accept that she wasn’t that into you for whatever her personal reasons were. It’s important to note that she did something when she made second plans with you that’s a clue to how she really felt: when she insisted on paying for the movie tickets or your fast food meal, that was her communicating that she sees you as a friend, she was sending the message that it wouldn’t be “a date”.

If it hasn’t happened for you yet, it probably will. You’ll be out with someone you think is pretty or whatever and then she’ll say or do something that turns you off and makes you think there’s no future with her. But you’ll continue the date like everything’s great (and maybe even kiss her because you’re curious if there will be a spark) but decide the next day there’s no point in a second date. When this happens remember how you felt when this chick went dark on you so you know to be honest. A simple “You’re a lovely person but for some reason I’m not feeling the chemistry. I wish you well, and thanks for the chance to get to know you” would let the person know why you’re not making plans with them again and shows you respect them as a human being who’d probably prefer not to be left wondering what happened.

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Liz: “I believe in body positivity and self-acceptance, and a healthy attitude toward nudity is sorely needed here in the U.S. Too many people instantly equate nudity with pornography, which I think says more about them than it does about the person who is nude. I (and thousands of other people) have posed nude for artistic endeavors and we are clearly comfortable in our own skin, and those who aren’t sometimes judge.

That said, I find nudists more interesting, because for them being naked is not just for art or sex!

So let me start by asking, what does it mean to be a nudist?”

Sophie:For me it means to live fully exposed. Both in body and spirit. Clothes are just a mask that hides our true self. We are not Ralph Lauren or Prada, we are flesh, bone, and spirit. Being naked means being true to yourself and to the people around you.”

Liz: “What’s the biggest misconception about nudism?”

Sophie: “That we are nothing but exhibitionist perverts. That we are naked because we want people looking and for easy access for the public orgies we must have all the time. This couldn’t be further from the truth!”

L: “What’s the difference between nudism and naturism?”

S: “Is there a difference? Nudism feels natural. And Naturism involves being nude. If there is a difference I’m not aware of it.”

L: “What first drew you to nudism, and how long have you been a nudist?”

S: “My mother raised my sisters and I in the lifestyle. My father was always traveling and because it was just us girls, we didn’t see the point of putting on clothes. I guess we weren’t really “Nudists” just 4 females who loved being naked around the house, in the garden or at the beach. I’ve always been a nudist and I will continue to be a nudist. I don’t understand clothes, and I don’t like wearing them. If I do wear clothes I keep them light and airy. My skin needs to be free!”

L: “Have you ever stayed at a nudist resort or commune, and if so, what was that like?”

S: “No, but I would love to. I spent time on a commune and I was fully naked most of the time, but it wasn’t an official nudist commune. It was a little awkward for some of the residents, but most of them loved my lifestyle and some became more comfortable with their own bodies because of it.”

L: “Has anyone ever treated you differently after learning you’re into nudism?”

S: “My biggest trouble is from the people who think I’m looking for sex all the time. I become subhuman to them. Men have seen me on the beach or other nude approved areas and touched my butt, or verbally harassed me. Made proposals and got mad at me if I rejected their advances. I guess they couldn’t believe a young naked female wasn’t dying to have sex with them. I’ve had friends who have not wanted to spend time with me after they learned. When I was little I was known as the naked girl at school. They didn’t come to my birthday party. My sisters and I were homeschooled most of the time partially because of that and because we moved a lot. That said, I did gain a few friends who thought nudism was cool. Most of their parents didn’t know what happened at my house, but I was glad to convert a few.”

L: “What would you say is the most surprising thing about living a nudist lifestyle?”

S:How totally cool nudist kids and people who grew up nudist are. Most nudist kids don’t judge bodies and don’t hate their own. They are taught young that everyone is naked under their clothes and a naked body is nothing to fear.”

Follow Sophie on
Twitter: @TheNudeWriter
Word Press: https://thenudewriter.wordpress.com/
Writers Cafe: http://www.writerscafe.org/TheNudeWriter

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Great question! Thanks for inspiring me to blog about this 😉

My husband and I have had this discussion many times. We have concerns, like any decent parent does, about our child being bullied for having the audacity to be born to free-spirited, artistic parents. It’s not because we see anything wrong with posing nude for photography and other forms of art (or pornography for that matter), but because we are aware of the vast numbers of ignorant, sheltered, judgmental people there are and the small-minded views they pass down to their children.

We are also vegetarians and wonder if he’ll have to deal with stupid jokes and ignorant attacks as much as we have in the past. Just like anything else that runs counter to cultural norms and doesn’t conform to expectations, there are going to be people who enjoy berating/bullying/ridiculing/ostracizing those who are not exactly like them, instead of embracing differences and wanting to learn from them.

Your question implies that you see something wrong with nudity, but perhaps that’s not true and you’re simply wondering. But your statement that it would be “worse” for our kid’s friends to discover the nude photographic art (young kids shouldn’t have unfettered access to the internet, so I’m assuming you mean teens) implies you think the friends would absolutely tease him for his parents being totally in love and producing images that happened to include nudity (my husband is my photographer, in case you didn’t know). I’m hoping he befriends good kids and not bullies.

How did supermodel Cindy Crawford handle her Playboy magazine spread after she had kids? Or the countless other photographers, actors, and models who’ve either photographed the nude form or posed in the buff for various magazines and had children later? I’ve noticed some celebrities who’ve achieved success from producing movies/art/songs meant only for adults go on later to create things their children could watch/look at/listen to.

Bottom line: Live the life you want to live, because people will judge you no matter what you do.

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Tom wrote: “I have this fantasy and I wonder if it is wrong or perverted? I have joined a few MILF sites and I see these incredibly sexy older women in their 40s and 50s having sex for the very first time on film with young black men. It gets me very aroused and I fantasize that she is my mother. I’m 18 and she is divorced and single. She always has on short skirts, nylons, and high heels that show off her amazing legs. One day she catches me masturbating to her video. I’m very embarrassed but aroused more than ever. I can see she is embarrassed as well so I beg to have sex with her just one time and after we can pretend it never happened.”

Liz says: Is your fantasy “wrong or perverted”? Maybe, but what matters is actual behavior in real life. Sexual fantasies can be “wrong” but as long as they stay fantasies we are okay. I’m aware that for many, repeated fantasizing can strengthen their desire to act out their fantasies, but there’s nothing in this particular scenario that suggests you would commit a crime or actually try to have sex with your mother.

But to get a second opinion on this somewhat delicate matter, I consulted psychotherapist Rob Peach (sextherapytoronto.org). Here is what he had to say, Tom: “We call our fantasies ‘fantasy’, for a reason… they are thoughts, desires and ideas that exist in our imaginations. Not everything we think or feel is a reflection of desires we intend to, or would be comfortable to, experience in real life. Some fantasies, like the incest themed ones your writer describes, can bring about confusion and guilt when they are inconsistent with one’s own and societal values. However, fantasies are highly subjective, changeable and nuanced and, therefore, not accurate measures of self worth or personal integrity, nor are they predictive of our behaviours.”

So there you have it, Tom. I would like to add that the very fact that you wrote showing concern about this sexual fantasy shows you’re probably not cuckoo for cocoa puffs. 😉

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Thomas wrote: “I lost my virginity a little more than 2 years ago and hadn’t had sex since, until last week I had sex with a girl and I feel I performed poorly. I however feel a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. Ya see, both of these times I really wasn’t in a relationship so I feel like this is less meaningful for me. Should I feel good that I ended a dry streak? Or shame cause I don’t feel any closer to what I want.”

Liz says: Neither, although it’s really not up to me (or anyone else) to tell you how you “should” feel. I say neither, though, because I understand why you don’t feel good about the last time you had sex, but encouraging you to feel ashamed of it would be ridiculous and shame is not usually an emotional response that leads to anything healthy.

As far as you believing you performed poorly, you probably did and that’s okay! No one is great in the bedroom at first! Every single one of us can look back on our first few times and recognize mistakes we made or what was missing. Especially with guys, who oftentimes are so nervous with anticipation that it affects their ability to stay erect. In other words, you’re normal!

It sounds like you know what you want: a loving relationship. That’s great! I encourage you to look at your first experiences with sex as learning lessons that will help you be better in bed with your future mate. Sex, like most things, is something you improve upon with experience, not something some people are just talented in right off the bat. However, I’m not suggesting you sleep around to gain more experience (since casual sex clearly does not make you happy), just that you look at the experience you’ve already gained with a positive attitude. Once you’ve found someone, you can learn even more in the security of a loving relationship.

I understand why you felt relieved to no longer belong to the V Club. Sex is a big deal, and when we finally experience it we’re not wondering anymore what it’s like or worried our peers will make fun of us. Especially for guys, I imagine it can feel like the weight of the world on your shoulders!

 

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