The Naked Advice

Model & Writer Liz LaPoint answers your questions about dating, sex, and relationships

Karl wrote: “I watched both of your videos on your YouTube channel about foot fetishes, and I’d like to add some insights about this attraction (having myself a sexual attraction to feet):

– You mention that feet are often associated with domination/submission. While I’m sure this is often the case, it isn’t always so. In my case, I don’t have a submission fantasy (if anything, I prefer to be the dominant one).

– You mention how young children can find feet “cute” already at that age, and later it develops into a sexual attraction. While it is true that I had a particular relation to feet as a kid, I didn’t find them cute: on the contrary, I found them repulsive. And I believe this is precisely what made them sexually attractive to me later on in life. There is something “naughty” or “dirty” about feet (to me), and I am repulsed by (rather than neutral to) men’s feet, for example. This same “dirtiness” translates to, in women I’m sexually attracted to, something exciting. For example, I like smelly and sweaty feet, as it accentuates that notion of “dirtiness”. I think it’s very analogous to being attracted to a woman’s ass, and particularly the anus. A lot of men are (myself included), yet clearly it’s not the “prettiness” of it, but rather the “naughtiness” of it, that makes it so.

– Here’s another theory I heard about, and I think it’s interesting (although your neurological one is also very compelling — they might not be mutually exclusive): it is based in evolutionary biology. That is, it tries to tie the sexual behaviour of foot fetishism to a survival mechanism. The theory is that foot fetish evolved as a survival response to sexually transmitted diseases (of course, there aren’t too many STDs you can catch by kissing or massaging someone’s feet!). You can actually google “foot fetish as a response to sexually transmitted diseases” and you’ll find some articles about it.

Anyway, I hope you’ll find these thoughts/comments interesting.”

Liz says: For my readers who might not have watched the videos he references, here are the links to both: Advice For Guy With Foot Fetish and Why Do Some Guys Have Foot Fetishes?

I’ve never thought about the connection you point out to odors and the taboo nature of being into something that most deem “dirty”, which like you mention is one of the reasons some men are aroused by anal sex. This is fascinating and useful insight into understanding this fetish.

The theory about it evolving as some sort of response to STIs has some holes, though. Why would feet be the substitute for vaginal/anal sex over, for example, armpits? Surely an armpit would be more similar in sensation than feet to having intercourse. Not to mention, feet can have warts and Athlete’s foot, whereas armpits are not prone to fungal infections.

I have heard recently of the theory that foot fetishes evolved as a response to poverty, as in it was a way for men to determine whether or not a young maiden was poor (unkempt, rough feet from working in fields) versus well-off (clean, pretty feet). I don’t know if I buy that one though, either. Wouldn’t hands be a better indicator of such things? We’ve been wearing shoes for a long time in human history.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Karl! What would you add to this conversation, readers?

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Mark wrote: “Hi Liz, I’ve been watching your YouTube videos and reading some material on your site. I really like your take on a lot of things. With that said, I have a couple questions.

I’m a straight male who enjoys wearing men’s thongs. I think they are the sexiest thing and I love how they feel. I also think they’re excellent motivation to stay in shape. I am a pretty fit individual and this may sound silly, but I find that I have all this extra incentive to push myself because I need to look good in that thong. I also love that extra boost of confidence and feeling a little naughty because I am wearing something sexy under my clothes.

Anyway, I was wondering is it okay for men to wear thongs or is it too taboo? Will I be considered gay if anyone finds out? What would women think about a man in a thong? I must say that I haven’t seen a lot about it so maybe it’s not super common, but I’m just curious.”

Liz says: There are a lot of secrets and tips people have for motivation to keep in shape, stay sober, quit smoking, and all sorts of other things. For you, the motivation to stay in shape is helped by feeling sexy and looking good wearing thong underwear. More props to you! Of course it’s okay!

Women have varying opinions on men in thongs. Some will find it too feminine or “gay” for their tastes and will want to run for the hills (for the record, it doesn’t mean you must be gay any more than when women wear pants). Depending on how serious the relationship is and how important it is to you to continue wearing thongs, her reaction might be a deal-breaker for both of you. Some ladies will just find you hot and not give a rat’s booty what you wear under your clothes. And others will find you in a thong arousing because they think boxer shorts and tighty-whiteys are “old man” underwear.

I’ve heard from many guys through my YouTube channel and blog that are into wearing thong underwear and women’s panties for sexual reasons. Most are straight, some are gay or trans. And that’s okay, too.

You just keep being you 😉

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Christopher wrote:I was wondering if you had any advice about wearing girl diapers as an 18 year old boy, and how to tell your parents.  I also wanted to know how do I tell my parents that I want to be a female and not a male anymore.”

Liz says: Yes, change the diaper frequently or you’ll end up with a rash so painful you’ll be filling future diapers with ice. As far as your parents are concerned, it’s none of their business. Don’t talk about your private sex life/fetish life with your parents (even if you wear them for nonsexual reasons). It’s one thing to turn to them for guidance when you’re younger, or if you have questions about relationships and marriage, but once you’re an adult your fetish life should be private. It’s important to develop healthy boundaries as an autonomous adult.

Coming out to your parents is another story, however. I found these wonderful websites that may help you in this arena. Coming Out Tips from Transactiveonline.org recommends writing a letter, And 8 Tips For Coming Out Trans from Us.DitchTheLabel.org lists several pieces of advice.

For my readers who might be hearing about this for the first time (or for those who have heard of it but find it mysterious), here’s a great article that gives you the lowdown: Inside The Misunderstood World Of Adult Baby Diaper Lovers.

Good luck, Christopher, I hope it all goes smoothly for you!

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In 2014 I was collaborating with a male friend to write a book on relationships and sex. The basic premise was that we thought it would be great to write a “He says/She says” book consisting of several essays written both individually, to give our unique perspectives, and together. I recently came across one of my contributions to this book that never came to fruition, and found it interesting because I ponder things that I’ve since explored on my YouTube channel. So here it is, dear reader!

If human sexuality had to be described in one word, “fascinating”, “complex”, or “bizarre” seem like excellent choices. Take it from two people who’ve had fascinatingly complex and bizarre sex lives. But enough about us, this is about the rest of the world.

Sexual activity is a natural result of a very natural urge that homo sapiens have historically shamed each other for feeling. It’s interesting when you think about it from a more detached, clinical perspective. If you’re receiving a back massage from someone else, moaning in relief from every tense muscle becoming more relaxed, and someone else walks into the room, are you and the person massaging you going to jump up embarrassed and act like you’ve been caught doing something shameful? Probably not, unless you’re both totally naked, but that’s exactly what we’d do if someone walked into the room interrupting something sexual. If you narrow the sexual activity down to its actions, they aren’t much different from that back massage. Yet, it seems instinctive to be extremely private about our sexual hobbies. Or is it?

The Abrahamic religions get a lot of flack for being so sexually restrictive in their rules. No butt sex, no gay sex, no sex before this here marriage contract is signed, no threesomes, no contraceptives, no masturbation. We’re sure we’re forgetting something. However, it’s pretty understandable why some of these oppressive rules evolved in the first place, way back in the day, when you consider the two life-changing possible results from sexual activity: pregnancy and sexually-transmitted infections. For most of human existence, we struggled to treat and cure illnesses, so while nowadays it’s still preferable to avoid becoming infected, it’s much easier to do that while still being able to enjoy our sex lives. We’ve got these nifty advancements like condoms and medications that treat STIs. Plus, hormonal contraceptives and barrier methods are pretty reliable pregnancy preventers when used correctly. Nonetheless, these religions still preach to abstain until marriage, even though the average life span has elongated enormously and the average age of first marrying has also risen. It was easier to hold off on your sexual urges as a horny teenager back when you were encouraged to marry at 14 and have three kids by 20.

Sexual fetishes are one of the more intriguing aspects of human sexuality. Psychologists say a sexual fetish is the sexual attraction to objects, situations, or body parts not traditionally viewed as sexual. Dictionary.com defines sexual fetish as the compulsive use of some object or part of the body as a stimulus in the course of attaining sexual gratification, as a shoe, a lock of hair, or underclothes. More specifically, a media fetish is the attraction to something textual, like leather or silk, and a form fetish the object and its shape are important, like those dudes who love women’s feet. For some reason science hasn’t figured out yet, fetishism is overwhelmingly a male thing. Chicks don’t seem to develop love affairs with inanimate objects at the same rate men do. 

What happens in someone’s upbringing that is the catalyst for the swerving of a typical sexual road? Is it environmental? Some experts say that it’s attributable to one of several environmental theories, including Accidental Association Theory, which posits that all those random boners a boy develops could occur at the same time he happens to, for example, be trying on a new pair of jeans and voila, a denim fetish is born.

Many experts also note that men are more likely to be socially awkward and suffer from social anxiety, thus developing sexual fetishes as a result of not being able to connect deeply with women (which could explain why more men than women have fetishes). Having sex with leather and rubber is much easier than having to do all that exhausting courtship stuff, not to mention inanimate objects will never reject you. But that doesn’t explain all the fetishes that involve situations or body parts that theoretically still necessitate having relationships, like a fetish for sneezing or armpits. If you want to get off while someone is sneezing or letting you lick their armpits, you’ve got to develop some skills to build that relationship, right? For some that will be the case but for others, photos, videos, and prostitutes could substitute for a relationship.

I clearly stopped writing abruptly, as there is plenty more I would add. What would you add to this essay if we were writing partners? 😉

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Photo of me writing something that I’m hoping others will find useful, funny, or brilliant circa 2014 .

Lindsay wrote: “Hi Liz! A bit of background may be required here because it’s a bit complicated. To start off, I’m a bisexual non-op trans woman (male to female), meaning I still have a penis and plan on keeping it, and my current girlfriend is cis (non-trans). Our relationship was going great until unfortunately, I did something extremely stupid and got in trouble with the law. Pretty soon, I have to spend four months in jail and thought I had pretty much blown our relationship, but recently, we talked it out and she said she’s committed to wait for me and stay with me while I’m in. I thought it was incredibly sweet until she sort of hinted that one of the main reasons was because she enjoyed sex with me because of the fact I’m a woman with a penis and she knows she can’t get that from, well…just “anyone”. Should I take this as a sign that she’s mostly into me for the sex and my genitals? She’s been extremely considerate and caring to me ever since we started dating, but I’m a little taken back by the thought that she might not wait for me to get out of jail if it wasn’t for the fact I’m a trans woman with a penis. Is my judgement just being clouded because I’m stressing out about my already crappy situation? Thanks Liz!”

Liz says: I understand your concern, you’re unique in a way that straight, cis people sometimes fetishize. Like Asian women, you express worry that someone is only with you because they fetishize you, not because they see you as a whole person and genuinely love everything about you. A lot of people have similar concerns while dating. For example, wealthy people have to worry about gold diggers.

In your case, you mention she has been “extremely considerate and caring” since the beginning, so I suspect she is not with you only because of your non-op trans status. I can see how she might have thought it would only be well-received to highlight to you that your transgenderism is one of the things she loves about you, not considering how it sounds. Kind of like when someone emphasizes other unique attributes as to why they find their mate irreplaceable (“Of course I’m going to wait for you, where else am I going to find someone with a thick Irish accent and who goes down on me every time I ask?”)

Have you ever asked her if she would stay with you if you changed your mind about keeping your penis? That might or might not be a deal breaker for her, neither of which is necessarily a bad thing, but it might be the conversation you need to have given your concern.

But keep in mind, you did say your girlfriend said sex with you was “one of the main reasons”, not the main reason for waiting for you.

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Phil wrote: “I accidently bumped into your YouTube channel today and I have to admit I really enjoyed the content. You’re a very open-minded, fun, and most importantly passionate person. I thought I could share my case.

Well, since I can remember I have daydreamed about being dominated by hot girls. I never truly accepted it though. I don’t like it on a logical or physiological level. I love dating girls and I feel so ashamed not being able to have normal sex with them. Never actually had sex despite being a cool man. I mean I had lots of chances, but I wouldn’t get hard enough. It was so painful, so heartbreaking that I eventualy stopped even trying. Sometimes I go out, I make out with some girl and come up with some shitty excuse why we should part company.

There were girls, however, I talked into dominating me and girls I paid for it. Turned out my penis could work 🙂 If it was only a foot fetish or light domination I could match it with vanilla sex somehow I guess, but I needed to be kicked all over my body, to be trampled, spit on, humiliated, and have my face under their heels begging for mercy. 6-7 weeks ago I decided I can’t live like that. I know that self-acceptance is important, but you could accept yourself and still wanna change, can’t you? I know it’s gonna be the hardest thing I ever done. God, I don’t know if it’s even possible, but I will do everything in my power to rewire my brain.

1. First thing I did I stopped watching porn. There are lots of nasty femdom vids out there and over time you need more and more to be turned on.
2. After some time I started to masturbate to pictures. They’re not moving, there’s no sound of kicked men and women who verbally humiliate him, so it was not easy for me but I eventually would cum just by thinking about it.
3. Now, when I’m letting loose and having an erection I try to focus my thoughts on something else. Well-shaped butts are quite appealing for me and could work. There are also some other things: something she could say, groaning, warmth of her body. I’m sooo happy cause it’s the first time I was able to cum while thinking about something other than femdom shit for a reaaaly long time.

I’m sure there’s still a long way ahead of me, but I really started to believe one day I will enjoy the beauty of love making 🙂 I’m curious what you think about it. Do you have any tips? Any recommendations?”

Liz says: First, thank you for watching my channel and the compliments! Now on to your interesting self-governed cognitive behavioral therapy sessions.

I reached out to psychotherapist Rob Peach (click here to visit his website) for his educated insights and here’s what he has to say:

“Your viewer is conflicted.  His value for a conventional sexual relationship is inconsistent with what he finds erotic and arousing, which is sex that is masochistic.

This conflict has led him to experience shame, practice avoidance of relationships and now, unfortunately, an attempt to ‘recondition’ his patterns of sexual arousal.

First of all, reconditioning does not work.  Full stop.  It may help men feel better for a short period of time, but ultimately does not change what any one individual finds arousing.  

Changing your mind about how you see your sexual self does work!  It helps to improve self esteem, confidence and the ability to perform with a partner AND it helps reduce shame and guilt.  

Acceptance means being able to allow two contradictory values to exist at the same time, without needing to change one.  That is, your viewer can accept that he is aroused by masochistic sex AND pursue healthy and rewarding sexual relationships that explore a whole range of sexual fantasies and activities (like well shaped butts).  This may require an open minded and non-judgmental partner (and, of course, for your viewer to stop making judgements against himself for finding this kind of sex arousing).”

It is generally accepted by experts that one cannot change what turns them on, just as we can’t change our sexual orientation (it is my opinion that conversion “therapy” for homosexuals should be outlawed). What needs to change is what usually leads someone to desire that change: feelings of shame and/or guilt.

Focus on acceptance, Phil, and learn to integrate your fantasies into real-life sexual satisfaction with a partner who’s naturally dominant (someone you won’t have to “talk into” making you grovel). She’s out there, you just have to find her!

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George wrote: “Hello Miss Liz, I hope everything is going well. I’m an 18 year old male who is in high school. I generally value my studies highly over romantic relationships, but recently, I’ve been spending a lot of time looking up escorts on various websites or independent sites. I’ve even managed to talk with some of them through email, text, or phone calls. I think this is because school has been a bit tough these last few months, the few friends I have are away, and my parents are gone working most of the time so I feel rather lonely.

This may sound strange, but I don’t want to have sex with escorts, I just crave the touch of a woman. I haven’t actually gone to see an escort yet, but I have had a lot of thoughts going through my mind ever since I started looking and talking with the escorts. I feel like I am disrespecting such presumably lovely individuals in using them as an object for my pleasure. I also worry that I might get in serious trouble with the law or from my family and school as some of the escorts had requested to see my student ID. There is also the worry that the escort may do something horrible to me (i.e. drug me, take away my personal belongings, etc.). Ultimately, my question is, do you think I should go see an escort? I thought you could help me gain some insight as you seem rather open-minded with this sort of topic and for that I thank you.”

Liz says: No, I don’t think you should hire an escort.

All of your concerns are legitimate. You could be robbed, jailed, or drugged (although those risks are much higher for sex workers), but those aren’t the reasons I suggest you focus on your studies and personal growth instead of hiring escorts.

You’ve expressed feelings of unease with the idea of actually hiring an escort, feelings that I think are understandable and a sign of good character. She might be comfortable with selling herself in this way, but you’re not comfortable with using her in this way, even if it is just cuddling. You’re a newly legal adult, which means you’ve barely given yourself a chance to navigate the dating world and learn how to be alone, living a fulfilling life without a partner. We are all lonely sometimes, and that’s okay, but sometimes we fill that loneliness with unhealthy habits or activities, like overeating or alcohol. Learn to fill your loneliness with healthy things, like running or joining a local meet-up group. It’s through living a vibrantly active life we meet likeminded people and potential partners.

I know it’s tempting because it’s easier to chat with escorts than it is to actually step up your game with girls at school, where you face possible rejection. I urge you not to let real life fears keep you from developing social skills that can lead to real romance. I would suggest setting up a profile on an online dating app before encouraging you to hire escorts.

And by the way, it’s not strange that you really just want to “feel a woman’s touch”. Many prostitutes have told of being hired only to cuddle or even just be a confidante. But you don’t want a woman who’s only listening to you or holding you because she was paid to. Once you develop a busy life and learn to be happy on your own, you will meet women who want to do those things with you because they like your company and they’re attracted to you!

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Anonymous wrote: “I’ve just stumbled across your videos and blog. I’ve seen a lot on men wearing female clothing, pegging, cuckold, ect. I do all of these, but my wife has added a twist each month. When she is on her period she makes me wear an overnight pad the entire time until it’s over. She mentioned trying to make me simulate having a period with her. Have you ever heard of this? It did not seem possible to simulate anything past wearing the pad. Since I am her submissive I do what I’m told. I was just curious if I was the only one being made to do this or similar.”

Liz says: The only way to simulate having a period would be for you to apply fake blood to your menstrual pad occasionally, and to continue wearing it before replacing it with a clean one. I don’t think there’s anything else that could be safely done to simulate or replicate the rest of what we suffer through, like painful cramps and crying over a tub of ice cream while watching romantic dramas.

I’m sure you’re not the only submissive in the history of submissive men to be made to be like females in that way. But I have to say I find it fascinating that anyone would see having a period as a weakness or something humiliating. It’s the lifeblood of human/animal existence, a beautiful and fascinating part of the female experience, and enables us to go through an agonizingly painful event that would make most men crumble: pregnancy and childbirth. In other words, it takes a strong individual to handle all this, it’s not for the weak. Plus, isn’t your wife the superior/dominant one, so making you like her while she’s on her period isn’t denigrating you but elevating you to her status?

Perhaps it is embarrassing or humiliating for you not because anything female is seen as weakness but because it’s simply uncomfortable? As a man, you would not be used to wearing pads and so it’s more about making you do things you don’t want to or need to?

There are many cultures where menstrual taboos remain. While on her period, a woman is shunned and has to live in a “menstrual hut”, or she’s not allowed to enter churches/mosques, or she’s prohibited from touching males, or she’s prohibited from cooking food. It’s all absurd, but people have a difficult time letting go of traditions and myths. Maybe your wife could add to your experience as a “female on her period” by enacting these restrictions 😉

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Steve wrote: “Hey Liz, you have provided me with great advice on more than one occasion. I’d love to hear more about you! If you feel comfortable sharing, what is your favorite: book, movie, tv show, food, beverage, alcoholic beverage, band, sex position.”

Liz says: Thank you! It is always wonderful to hear from anyone I’ve helped with my blog and videos.

Listing favorites is always a good time. So here goes!

  1. Book: I usually only read nonfiction, so my faves in that department are The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker, Blood Will Out by Walter Kirn (whose writing is so good he’s turned me onto reading his fiction works, too), God Is Not Great by Christopher Hitchens, and Committed by Dan Mathews. I haven’t read fiction since I was a kid (besides the new ones by Kirn that I’ve just started) so my fave fiction books are for kids. I remember loving Tuck Everlasting, James & the Giant Peach, and The Babysitter’s Club series.
  2. Movie: I don’t know how anyone can name just 1 favorite for every category. So as before I will be naming several! I grew up in the 80s, so comedies like Better Off Dead and Back To the Future were faves, as well as the Indiana Jones films and Eddie Murphy comedies. My fave scary movies are more recent, like Insidious, Get Out, Cabin In the Woods, and You’re Next.
  3. T.V. Show: My hubby owned the entire DVD box set of Lost and I never watched the show in real time when it was on t.v., so I binge-watched it over the course of a couple of weeks a few years ago. Lost was a fascinating show, definitely one of my faves. More recent faves would be Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, True Blood, Master of None, and Girlboss.
  4. Food: I love Mexican, Indian, Ethiopian, Italian, and Greek foods the most. I rarely eat standard American foods, even the vegetarian versions, like burgers and fries. I’ve been a vegetarian/vegan since 2001. I’m not much of a snacker, so I rarely eat crackers, chips, etc. I have a huge sweet tooth though, and ice cream is what I usually go for first when that craving hits!
  5. Beverage/Alcoholic Beverage: I stopped drinking alcohol probably 10 years ago now. It just wasn’t fun anymore. If it wasn’t making me feel gross it was making me sleepy. I’ve had red wine a few times though at dinner parties. I love a blend, like Algorithm, because they’re soft and fruit-forward. My fave non-alcoholic drink is a soy chai tea latte. Delicious!
  6. Band: Oh lordy who could name just 1?! So many awesome musicians to choose from. Older fave bands would be Fleetwood Mac, Nirvana, Hole, Tom Petty & Heartbreakers, Public Enemy (yes, rap “bands” count), Filter, Weezer, and Smashing Pumpkins. More recent: The Strokes, Coldplay, Muse, Escondido, Milky Chance. Of course there are about a hundred solo artists I love too. Kendrick Lamar, Taylor Swift, Rihanna, to name a few.
  7. Sex Position: And for the one you probably scrolled past the rest to read, LOL, my fave position for a roll in the hay would be doggy style. And that’s all I’m going to say about that 😉

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Mariah wrote: “I have an issue that I don’t know how to solve. My fiance wants me use a strap-on with him but I am conflicted. I want to please him but I am a submissive. I am not into role reversal that much. I love being dominated. I just feel like if I go through with pegging him he won’t be dominant anymore. Could you please help me I am just so conflicted.”

Liz says: Tell him exactly what you told me. Express your concerns that he will expect you to be the dominant one the majority of the time you two are having bedroom fun if you fulfill this desire of his, and you’re more aroused by being the submissive one.

In a healthy relationship, you can talk to each other openly and honestly about your concerns and desires, and you’re not punished for doing so. Plus, you’re willing to try new things to make your partner happy, unless those things are illegal or unethical. If you tell him you’re worried about how pegging him could change your sex life together, he has the chance to understand why you might have been avoiding it so far and a chance to calm your fears. Maybe this is only something he wants to try, as opposed to something he wants to regularly do.

The conversation could also help you two determine if you’re a good match for marriage. Sexual compatibility should be determined before walking down that aisle, as many divorced couples now know and wished they’d known before getting hitched.

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