The Naked Advice

Model & Writer Liz LaPoint answers your questions about dating, sex, and relationships

Dee Dee wrote:Ok, I don’t really know if this is a problem or not. Maybe you can help.

I like to compliment strangers. Maybe not every day but often. I work with people so I’m around them a lot. I do it with no agenda or motive or any particular intentions. Of course, I find myself doing this to women far more than to men. Just innocuous things like, “Oh, I like that fun polka dot bow in your hair!” or “Young lady, I must say your eyes are SO bright and blue. Wow!”

I don’t *think* I come off as a lecherous creep but you never know, I suppose. My GF sees this and either rolls her eyes or calls it my harmless “friendly flirting”. Sometimes she even says this is a nice quality, that I like to engage people and make everyone feel special. But you never know who takes it another way.

If a woman I’m randomly complimenting is with a suitor, I always acknowledge them, too, in an attempt to come off as polite and, well, NOT creepy.

I even notice myself doing this while watching TV! I’ll tell the missus, “Hey, I like the dress that actress is wearing” or “She’s really cute with that haircut.” This one kinda constant.

I’m becoming a little self conscious of this behavior and, in this day and age, I’m afraid of being out of line. Is what I think of as friendly chit-chat and compliments actually sexist/chauvinistic or just plain creepy? Do I need to scale this kind of thing back? Or am I being paranoid?”

Liz says: Based on the examples you have given me, no, you’re not being creepy or chauvinistic, and no, you’re not being paranoid to wonder these things. It’s a good thing when someone tries to look at themselves from an outside point-of-view. That is one way how we learn and grow, usually for the better.

What has our society become when we can’t compliment each other? Compliments are an easy way to brighten someone’s day, as long as they’re not backhanded (“I wish I had the bravery you do to not color my gray hair.”)

But I understand why you wonder if you come off as inappropriate. For one, in our culture it’s too easy for compliments to be mistaken for sexual or romantic interest. I once complimented a stranger on his colorful tie. All I said was something to the effect of “I really like your tie, the bold colors are eye-catching.” He paused, then coldly said “My wife got it for me.” He didn’t thank me, which is always rude, but I got the impression he only mentioned his wife because he mistook my compliment for flirtation. He wanted me to know he’s already spoken for. I was annoyed because there was nothing in the tone of my voice or body language that justified that assumption. And it’s not like we were in a bar and I approached him, he was a customer in the shop I was working at and I had been answering one of his questions.

On top of the person you’re complimenting mistaking your intentions, if you have a significant other you have to be concerned with how they perceive your behavior. It sounds like your girlfriend can see that your tendency toward flattery is innocent, so you’re good there. But if your girlfriend sensed that others were often mistaking your flattery for flirtation and she asked you to cut back and you didn’t, that would signal a lack of respect for her feelings and role in your life.

As with everything, context matters. When POTUS Donald Trump was in the news for complimenting the French President’s wife (“She’s in such great physical shape”) it was because in light of his past, it came off as lecherous. He has a long history of overvaluing women for their appearances and undervaluing them for their abilities and intelligence. Plus, the timing was off. Not to mention he complimented her body, not her clothing or friendliness, for example. When you, Dee Dee, are complimenting people you tend to focus on their clothing choices, which is telling them “I like your style!” But if you focus on their body, it can feel like the person is undressing you with their eyes, which can feel creepy depending on the context.

Other examples of context making certain compliments inappropriate or creepy: Boss/Employee relationships, Doctor/Patient relationships, shouting compliments to a woman who is clearly walking to get somewhere on the street, or complimenting minors.

You’ve clearly put thought into your actions by making sure you also pay attention to the boyfriends or husbands of these women. I think your girlfriend has it right when she says it’s a nice quality that you make people feel special. Letting others know that their taste or personality is appreciated is something that should happen more!

never-compliment-a-woman-on-her-mustache-no-matter-how-7008940

 

The Hubby and I are not vanilla in the bedroom, SHOCKING I know. We are both free-spirits who enjoy experimenting, so last night we enjoyed some S&M lite, so to speak.

I only say “lite” because I imagine it’s much more hardcore when actual sado-masochists use bondage gear to satisfy their sexual proclivities, but for us it’s more of a “let’s mix things up a bit, shall we?” 😉

We had ordered the Beginner’s Bondage Fantasy Kit from AdamandEve.com. It had a high rating and was listed as a “Best Seller!” so we figured we couldn’t go wrong with this set.

We were right! It came with 4 wrist and ankle restraints and a blindfold. With only the soft yellow glow from my desk lamp lighting the room, my husband put the blindfold on me and then had me lie back against the pillows on our bed. The blindfold served as sensory deprivation. When you can’t see, you pay more attention to touch, taste, scents, and sounds. I felt him tie my hands together first, then my ankles, so it was like I was hog-tied, except my hands and feet were in front instead of behind me. The restraints are meant to be tied to either bed posts or chair legs, but he had improvised with his own ideas.

blindfold

Because I couldn’t see I didn’t know what he was going to do next, which heightened my excitement. I could tell it was really turning him on to see me tied up because I could hear his breathing get heavier. I imagine those who are into spanking or other forms of S&M will love this set for its versatility. As a bonus, we also got the Adam and Eve Lube. It had a perfect consistency and we didn’t need to reapply. Anyway, let’s just say fun was had and we were happy with our selections!

Check it out here: Go to www.AdamandEve.com, Enter code NAKED at checkout to get 50% Off 1 Item + Free Shipping on your entire order in the US & Canada. *Certain exclusions apply. 100% satisfaction guarantee. 24/7 customer service. 90 Day No Hassle Returns/Exchanges

 

image1-4

All couples fight. No two people are ever going to meld their lives and not have moments of disagreement, misunderstandings, and everything else that leads to hurt feelings, defensiveness, and frustration. So how do you know when the fights between you and your significant other are normal and when they are a sign you should either seek counseling or break up?

When I was 23 years old I met a guy with whom I had a lot in common, we began dating, and then we moved in together. But during our 3 years together, we fought often, and loudly. Looking back, I’m shocked our neighbors never called the police.

We fought about stupid things (“I can’t believe you think Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade was the best one!”) and important things (“It’s not okay for you to put your arms around your co-worker!”). We fought arrogantly, with little empathy or humor to cushion the verbal blows, and would get so frustrated with each other that sometimes he’d start punching a pillow and I would lock myself in the bathroom. After one particularly brutal argument, I lost my voice from screaming at him for hours. That was when it hit me: we were all wrong for each other and this much fighting was unhealthy. It was time to end it. I told him, “If we stay together we could quite possibly kill each other one day.”

But you know what I said to myself during those 3 years that kept me from getting it earlier? “All couples fight.”

Yes, they do. But what they fight about, how frequently they fight, and whether or not the arguments get resolved or repeat are the clues to help you determine if your fighting is a Big Fat Red Flag.

BFRF #1: Do you argue about important things like values, beliefs, life goals, and kids? Do you differ greatly when it comes to personality, energy levels, senses of humor? There are some things that are non-negotiable, parts of yourself that you shouldn’t have to sacrifice to keep the peace. If you find you can’t respect their views or they belittle your accomplishments and dreams, it’s a good sign you two don’t belong together. Major incompatibilities are often a source of conflict and sweeping them under the rug doesn’t do either of you any favors. But if you fight about little things, like your opinion on modern art or whether Chicago deep dish pizza is better than New York thin crust, that’s a sign of immaturity and that can be worked on with some patience and humility.

BFRF #2: Do you have more bad days together than good? Or are your fights so heart-wrenching that they weigh on your mind for weeks without resolution and outweigh any good days you have together? If you’ve tried making changes for the better but still feel like it’s a constant battle to feel loved and connected, it’s probably time to call it quits. Too many people try hard for so long to “make it work”, but really they’re just wrong for each other. Instead of trying to force a relationship to “work”, you could be with someone who’s right for you and with whom it’s not as much work to get along.

BFRF #3: Do either of you call each other names, viciously argue with contempt, physically hurt the other, and otherwise behave abusively? Time to end it. Don’t waste any time hoping things will change, just get out now. Seek therapy while being single, no matter if you were the abused or the abuser.

Healthy arguments involve empathy, listening, a desire to resolve differences, no physical or verbal abuse, and no stonewalling (shutting down emotionally, being emotionally unavailable). Sometimes, even humor to lighten the mood. Laughing together can often be the antidote!

couple fighting

Anonymous wrote: “I am in a relationship of 2 years with the love of my life. Seriously, he is the best. However there is that one guy that I can’t get over. He is visiting for a few more days and we have hung out with a group of people because I honestly do not trust myself. He feels the same way and has expressed it. I would never cheat on my significant other and I feel guilty for the thoughts I have. I guess I just don’t know what to do.”

Liz says: You’re not with the love of your life. When you’ve finally found someone so wonderful and right for you, there’s no guy from your past you “can’t get over”, no one you need to be sure you only see within a friend group to keep yourself from flirting with or fucking, no one else who makes you feel confused about “what to do”.

In other words you’re probably young and in need of independent exploration, dating and discovering who you are and what you want in love and life. You say you “honestly do not trust myself” to be alone with the other guy, but then say you’d “never cheat”, which seems contradictory. I think what you mean is that you don’t want to hurt your boyfriend, and that’s good, but I think you’re probably too young to be in a long-term committed relationship. Your attraction to this other guy is a Red Flag you shouldn’t ignore.

Let me give you some personal insight. When I was in a 3-year relationship in my early twenties, I found myself attracted to someone else. It was a very strong attraction, and it made me evaluate my current relationship and realize what was missing. My boyfriend was a good man, but wasn’t right for me. I broke up with him and moved on. Now, I’ve been with my husband for 7 years, married for 6, and never once have I been attracted to someone else. When we met, it was the first time I felt a trusting closeness that nurtured a strong love to grow between us. It highlighted what had been missing from every single relationship I had before him. My husband is so wonderful and right for me, there’s never anyone that comes along to make me feel confused about “what to do”.

It’s time to do some deep thinking about whether it would be better for you in this phase of your life to be single. Someone can be “the best”, but not the best for you.

Also, you might want to read my article Why You Shouldn’t Get Married In Your 20s. While you haven’t mentioned wanting to get married, it explains why I think being in a long-term commitment is just a bad idea as a young adult, generally speaking.

sad girl on couch

 

 

For a few decades now, women have been spreading awareness of how narrowly defined female beauty is and how thinness has been idolized to the point that females will starve themselves and sometimes die in their quest for the “ideal body”. We blamed fashion magazines, we blamed men, we blamed Hollywood. We asked, “Why are slim attractive women often paired with chubby men on television but we never see the opposite?” And some of us wondered why so many men prefer to date skinny women and can’t appreciate a woman who eats more than 700 calories a day.

Fuller-figured women began to flaunt their bodies to stand against society shaming them, and the Body Positivity movement was born.

So recently, a man named Tripp decides to write a love letter to his wife’s curvy body on Instagram. Even though he’s not the first man to do this, it ignited a shitstorm on Twitter. First, his letter:

Tripp's IG letter to curvy wife

While many loved his ode, many also criticized him. I found myself floored reading how often his critics misunderstood his words, his motive for writing it, and showed an apparent need to go back to school to brush up on their reading comprehension skills.

Here’s one popular tweet criticizing him:

My least fave male feminist tweet

Oh Julia, you (and 90,000 people–yikes!) missed his point entirely. It was less about him thinking “liking a curvy woman is revolutionary” and more about how society thinks it’s revolutionary! He has obviously received the message all his life that his preference for bigger women is different/uncommon. Most feminists would agree that’s the message men get. I find it striking that feminists would acknowledge that it’s wrong to judge fuller figured women as unattractive and then blast a man who writes about his love for fuller figures!

Feminist Woman: “Real women have CURVES! I’m proud of my body!”

Feminist Man: “I love my wife’s curves, I’ve always been attracted to this body type.”

Feminist Woman: “Stop objectifying women’s bodies!”

Next ridiculous tweet:

Even tho she's chubby tweet

  1. He didn’t say he loved his wife “even though she’s chubby”. He very clearly said he’s always been attracted to this body type! He doesn’t love her despite her weight, he loves her weight.
  2. A sexologist discovered that because society still says “thin is best”, many men who are most attracted to voluptuous women will only date skinny women, because they don’t want to get shit for dating bigger women and because they want to show off the “trophy” girlfriend that society admires. In other words, while it might not be what we’d call “brave” to date and marry fuller figured women, I can see why he felt compelled to write these words: “Guys, rethink what society has told you that you should desire.”
  3. It’s the person who reads his words and thinks ‘he’s objectifying her!’ who is actually the one objectifying her. Why would you assume by this letter he doesn’t love everything else about her, too? So because you only see her for her body, he must, too? The point of the letter wasn’t to write about her infectious laugh, or her cool blog, but about society shaming men who are into women that are bigger than a size 4. So of course he’s going to focus on her body.

I suspect the women bashing this guy for writing a love letter to his wife are either jealous because they’re not in a loving relationship, looking for something to be angry about, or so blinded by their own biases, experiences, and rigid opinions that they read what they want to read instead of what was actually written. I can see why so many men express exasperation with third-wave feminists, like “We’re damned if we do, damned if we don’t.”

 

 

 

Emily wrote: “I’m having some trouble with my boyfriend. He’s not had a lot of confidence in the bedroom with me, and while that seemed normal enough, it’s actually gotten worse as we’ve tried to deal with it.

He confessed to me that before we were together he watched a lot of porn. He says that he started watching more and more of it in all kinds of extreme scenarios. He says that it felt like he was getting a crazy high from watching a lot of random niche stuff, one after another. As a result of this, it seems like he feels like he doesn’t measure up in any sense. He says he wants to be the kind of guy that women fantasize about, and feel like I’m lucky to have him (he doesn’t believe it when I say I do feel that way). He also says that the kind of genital size and the orgasms that women had in the videos obviously aren’t like real ones, and that that makes it feel like he’s not good enough.

Even worse, he gets really upset sometimes and tells me that he saw some porn that he can’t forget now that divided men up into alpha males and weaker men who aren’t good enough for their partners. He tenses up sometimes when we’re around groups of guys or guys who are in good shape. He says that he has some mental train of thought where when he feels like he’s less of a man than other guys he thinks I’ll feel the same and hurt him. I’ve told him I love him but he says even if I do I can still hurt him and then come back to him. I don’t know where he’s getting this, I think he’s mixing reality and the porn he watched. He doesn’t have these same issues with the other porn he watched, fixating on it, just this kind of thing.

Sometimes we’ll be in bed and he asks me to make him feel like the only guy in the world, or like a stud, but I never know what to do. I found your channel and watched some of your videos. I don’t think he has a fetish or anything, he just seems kind of brainwashed and he thinks there’s some night and day difference between the two of us and between our sexualities. What can I do to help him? I think it’s really stressing him out and I want him to feel happy and strong, like when he first made me cum and felt so proud he was all over me.”

Liz says: Your boyfriend’s insecurities existed before he ever watched porn.

When someone secure and with a strong sense of self watches porn, they’re not comparing themselves to the actors, they’re just watching a fantasy play out for their purposes. Then they move on with their lives. But when your boyfriend, who already had anxieties and who may have been sexually inexperienced when he started, watches porn he’s comparing himself to the fantasies being enacted and unable to separate the fiction from reality.

Watching porn might be exacerbating his self-esteem issues, but porn didn’t cause them.

You can’t fix him, and it’s not your job to fix him. It sounds like you’ve done your part in reassuring him you love him, but that’s not enough to heal whatever emotional wounds he might be suffering from that cause him to feel so inadequate. He might need a sex-positive therapist who can help him uncover the true source of all his insecurities and help him develop healthy self-esteem. Any number of things could be the real reason your boyfriend is so insecure: abuse or abandonment as a child or having been bullied in school. A good therapist can help him heal.

Or perhaps he’s just a typical immature, inexperienced guy whose insecurities will deteriorate as he matures, like the rest of us. Most of us go through a jealous or insecure phase when we’re young, constantly worrying if we are good enough or if our mate is interested in others.

I could exhaustively list all the ways in which porn is not reality, but others have already done that so here’s one for your boyfriend to read: 10 Things You See In Porn That Don’t Happen In Real Life .

Whatever happens, it’s not your fault if he continues to be super insecure. Don’t beat yourself up if things don’t get better, it’s not about you. He has to work on himself.

frustrated-couple

 

 

 

D wrote: “For almost 20 years, the taboo “family” fantasy has been the most *ahem* effective for me.

Whether alone or with almost every sexual partner, I’ve had the most degenerate incestuous thoughts, and they are what keep me aroused and push me to climax. Almost any combination of forbidden encounters among faceless, imaginary relatives pops into my mind.

When not aroused, I’m ashamed of myself and I am not interested in acting on these urges with any real people in my life. That, to me, is (thankfully) repulsive.

So, at what point do these thoughts and kinks become harmful? I feel like they already have because they creep into every sexual encounter I have. I don’t want to rely on them anymore… but it works. Can’t be helped?”

Liz says: Don’t worry, you’re pretty normal. It might be shocking to some, but finding taboo things sexually arousing in fantasy but being repulsed by the same things in real life is common. Many of us have no desire to act on some of the things we fantasize about while getting off.

You’re not hurting anyone, you have no interest in acting on these fantasies, and you have the conscience and decency to wonder if it could become harmful, so I’d say the only thing harmful right now is the shame you feel. I think it also speaks volumes that you fantasize about “faceless, imaginary relatives”, actually imagining your real relatives might mean something else entirely. Since your fantasies are separate from reality and you have no plans to meld the two, let go of any shame. If you wanted to bring your fantasies to life, that would be the way your “thoughts and kinks” could become harmful, especially if non-consent was involved.

If part of the reason you feel shame is because you believe you should only be fantasizing about your sex partner, let go of that too. It’s normal to imagine any number of sexual scenarios that don’t involve your partner, plus you don’t know what they’re thinking about either!

It’s also common for our fantasies and turn-ons to evolve over time, so at some point you might find that “kissing cousins” has become boring and instead you’ve replaced them with a “hot for teacher” fantasy!

No shame sign

Chris wrote: “So I’m 22 and recently just graduated college. My sex life hasn’t really been bad with girls overall. I’ve had a good amount of different sexual partners, like 15 or so and have had sex many times and usually it’s no problem getting it up with them when I finally get there with them in the moment. But as I always find certain girls attractive, based on looks, personality, and whatever, I also just find feet attractive as well, like in addition to traditional sex and sex positions, but for the longest time I’ve been super insecure about it. After seeing your video about the actual defintions of kink and fetish I guess I would place myself somewhere in between, because I feel my thing sort of spans a range of different things. I’ve for the longest time jacked off to essentially foot worship of all sorts (it doesn’t matter, girl’s feet guy’s feet), so I question whether I’m Bi. But racing around in my head, I always come back to the conclusion of I would never want to be with a guy, like in any sense, it creeps me out. So what is it?

Also, I’ve always longed for a good relationship with a beautiful girl who gets my personality but would also (this being my question out of all of this) worship/lick my feet… I think with all the searching I’ve done in my head… I think that what I have as my “thing” is just sort of a G-Spot on my feet. Like the sensation of licking there turns me the fuck on and like that’s literally all it would take to have a good continuous sex life with a girl. I’m just so insecure about admitting that to someone I don’t really know at the beginning and then nervous as to whether they would accept that. Like from a girl’s perspective what do you think?

I’ve always been told by so many friends who are girls that I can get an absolute beauty of a chick, so after a while my self confidence has built and I believe that too, but there is just this as well. Also, this is just an aspect for the sex part of it, I too get turned on when I really click with someone. I have a really sarcastic, joking attitude a lot of the time, so when a girl is like that too, and then feeds it back at me, sort of making fun of me in a joking way, challenging each other, so that turns me on, too.

Anyway, my main thing is the foot thing I have and I would just be so grateful for an opinion from someone as understanding and open as you seem to be.”

Liz says: It’s actually not unheard of for people without foot fetishes to find stimulation of their feet in certain spots to be erotic, psychologically and physically. For you it’s like having a “G Spot” in your feet, in which stimulation is simply arousing, but for this lady in the Netherlands it led to her experiencing (unwanted, inconvenient) orgasms. A lot of people have non-genital erogenous zones, like when we are turned on by our partner kissing our necks or blowing into our ears.

You need to find a woman who is sexually free spirited, meaning open to new experiences and not holding conservative sexual views. She will be less likely to say “Gross!” and judge your desires, and more likely to give it a try. This is something you will have better luck with if you only share it with a real girlfriend, not a hook-up. Wait until your feelings mutually deepen before telling her you get super horny when your feet are licked, but don’t wait so long that she feels like you’ve been hiding your true self with her. If she associates feet with being dirty or smelly, ensure her you’d have them clean first.

You’re probably not bisexual, based on what you’ve said about having zero interest in being with men. Some straight men with submissive tendencies get off on being humiliated or treated as subordinate even by other men, because it feels extra humiliating when a man talks down to them or makes them lick their feet, for example. This might play a role in why it doesn’t matter if it’s men or women’s feet for you.

Don’t be insecure about this! It’s just one thing about you that some women will understand and others will not. Just be picky about who you deem worthy of knowing this tidbit of information and let the ones who judge you go. I’m not suggesting you dump a woman who loves you but just isn’t into it after having tried it, though. She’s probably still going to be a keeper! I’m referring to any woman who dismisses your desires as “disgusting” and isn’t willing to try it.

couple's feet in bed

 

 

 

Josh wrote: “Hey Liz, I love reading all your content. You are very knowledgeable and seem to give out the best advice. I do have a hypothetical question for you: I have a shrinking/ giantess fetish. What are some advantages for me and my girlfriend if I was to shrink down to maybe an inch tall or centimeter tall?”

Liz says: Okay, I can have a little fun answering hypotheticals, although usually hypotheticals involve the person who’s answering 😉

For starters, she could easily sneak you into movie theaters! She could tuck you into her bosom or handbag, buy one ticket, and then you could crawl your way out of your hiding spot to watch the film with her.

You could crawl through her vagina like an explorer being the first to venture into a newly discovered cave. As long as you were nude and freshly showered, of course, to prevent introducing bacteria that could give her an infection.

She could employ you as her secret agent, spying on people and bringing back important information.

And you could take naps lying in between her breasts. I imagine that would be soft and comfy!

tiny man

George wrote: “Greetings from New York! I am 18 years old. I hope you’ve been doing well and I want to say thank you for the advice and points of view you give on these taboo topics. I have something (I’m not sure whether to call it a kink or fetish) where I love to wrestle girls, without hurting them of course. When I wrestle with girls, the adrenaline and endorphins in my head multiply by a thousand-fold, especially when they’re wearing something that shows a lot of skin (like a bikini or sports bra) and their curves (ie. yoga pants). I also love watching videos or seeing pictures of men wrestling with women. I do get turned on by the bare skin on skin contact (such as smothering), the sheer athleticism the girl exhibits as she exerts her physical strength to get me to submit to her, and for some reason losing feels wonderful. Sometimes I fantasize about the wrestler showing even more female domination after I lose such as pegging, slapping, or facesitting me. My questions regarding this is how common is this interest? Would you consider this a kink or a fetish and if so what type is it? Am I being disrespectful to women when I admire a female wrestler’s looks and her strength? Thanks for all your help and keep on smiling.”

Liz says: What you’re into falls under the umbrella term Female Domination, and yes it’s common. Specifically wrestling women and wanting them to win is probably less common, but getting aroused by female strength and aggression isn’t rare.

Is it a kink or a sexual fetish? A kink is something atypical that you find arousing but does not exist as an exclusive means for arousal and orgasm. Many people are turned on by several unrelated things, for example bondage, swapping sex partners, and short dark hair or mustaches. A fetish, however, is necessary for arousal and orgasm, usually to the exclusion of other possible turn-ons, and involves an object (leather fetish, foot fetish), or a situation (public sex, cuckolding). If the needed object or situation is unavailable, the person with a fetish has to fantasize about said fetishized object or situation in order to orgasm. So now that you know the difference, only you can answer whether or not it’s a kink or a fetish.

As far as whether or not you’re being disrespectful when you “admire a female wrestler’s looks and her strength”, it depends. Are you admiring those qualities to the exclusion of her other qualities? Do you focus only on how muscular or pretty she is? When she speaks, do you tune out because you don’t care what she has to say, unless it’s to tell you what a loser you are, thus satisfying your submissive tendencies? In other words, do you only “respect” women insofar as how they can serve your sexual desires by playing the dominant role?

Everyone likes to be admired for their skills, strengths, etc, but we truly appreciate it when we are seen as whole individuals. Women specifically are more prone to being treated as if their worth lies in how beautiful they are, so we are more sensitive to being put into that box where our other attributes may be ignored.

What you’re into seems like harmless fun, and you can find a girlfriend who will enjoy wrestling you into submission and then sitting on your face, but just remember to appreciate all of her 😉

female wrestler