The Naked Advice

Model & Writer Liz LaPoint answers your questions about dating, sex, and relationships

Megan wrote: “Hi Liz! I’d like to know what you think about public cross-dressing. If the crossdresser derives any sense of erotic excitement from being seen in public, does that throw up any ethical red flags? If the person is not exclusively motivated by sexual excitement but experiences some, does this mean they are involving others unwittingly in a fetish?

Though I’ve generally passed as a heteronormative guy, I’m quite bi-curious and I’ve long desired to feel girly and explore my feminine side.

I enjoy presenting feminine in public and going on girly outings like bra fittings and salon makeup appointments. The totally platonic interaction with women is really exciting in a wholesome way. Knowing they see me as one of the girls and hanging out without any sexual subtext is so refreshing! But I sometimes feel arousal, likely due to breaking taboos and feeling more fluid about my sexuality.

I hate to think that this makes what I’m doing unfair to others and I want a safe and healthy avenue to explore these interests. What do you think?”

Liz says: Does the employee actually fit you for a bra? Or do you ask for the measuring tape and go into a fitting room for privacy? I’m just curious how that works out!

Anyway, I don’t think what you’re enjoying is unfair or unethical. You’re not intentionally misleading anyone for the purpose of breaking their heart or sexually assaulting them. You’re not “unwittingly involving others in a fetish” that’s crossing illegal or unethical boundaries, like the guys who snap up-skirting videos of strangers in public. You’re just hanging out with friends and you happen to have a secret. Who cares? You be you.

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Sergio wrote: “Hi Liz, I often get compliments on the way I look, dress, and work out, but I’m still not confident about myself. That’s because I’m still a virgin. I’m a 21-year-old guy now, and I sometimes really feel the need to have sex. I kinda feel ashamed when I mention the topic of sex with my friends. Sometimes I really have had enough of waiting. What can I do?”

Liz says: Your twenties are for a lot of things: dating, “finding” yourself, learning a trade or getting a college degree, and having fun before bigger responsibilities come along. When you focus on these things instead of focusing on getting laid, getting laid will happen naturally because people find you more attractive when you’re just enjoying life and working to get ahead.

Enriching your life through education, work, and hobbies makes you more appealing than someone who might be giving off the scent of desperation, which most people can smell a mile away. In other words, who cares that you’re “still” a virgin? Have fun with your friends, join a meet up group in your area, and just enjoy your life. You’ll find someone soon enough.

**I want to add a note about your use of the phrase “enough of waiting”, because it implies that you feel as if you are owed sex and you’re frustrated that women are withholding it from you. If that’s not the case, then great, but if it does then you need to understand nobody owes you anything. As an example, imagine if someone said “I’m still unmarried and I’ve had enough of waiting”. Or “I haven’t been hired for a job and I’ve had enough of waiting”. Nobody owes you a job, nobody owes you their life as your spouse, and nobody owes you sex. Those are things you work for, through self-improvement, or education, or learning social skills.

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J.O. wrote: “Hey Liz, so I have a shrinking fetish and I told my girlfriend about it but she does not like acknowledging it. She says it’s weird and she doesn’t like it. I have brought up my shrinking fetish to some other friends that are girls and they actually talk about it with me. They like to talk to me about how life would be like and how our current relationship as friends would change. I sometimes feel weird doing this because I feel like I’m low key cheating on my girlfriend, but besides just talking there are no actions being taken on actually cheating. What should I do about this?”

Liz says: When you say your female friends talk about how your “current relationship as friends would change” when they discuss it with you, do you mean they talk about wanting to participate in activities that incorporate your shrinking fetish? If not, then keep in mind it’s easy for friends to discuss something they aren’t expected to partake in like a girlfriend would be expected to.

Either way, your girlfriend’s attitude is what really matters here. It appears you have two choices: accepting that your lady finds something about you weird and won’t be satisfying any fantasies you have in that department, or deciding it’s important to be with someone who doesn’t find it weird and will be more open-minded about it. Which way you go depends on whether this is an actual fetish for you or simply a kink you’re aroused by, and how much you love your girlfriend and how solid your relationship is with each other in every other aspect.

I will say this though: Oftentimes it’s when we’re around other people that we recognize what’s missing in our current relationships. Your friends are serving you the realization that there are openminded women out there who won’t call you weird and refuse to acknowledge your desire. Listen to your instincts.

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A.S. wrote: “Hi Liz, I am a big fan of yours, I love the videos you used to make. The best part was the occasional laughs you had while reading something weird. It really turned me on ’cause it looked like you were humiliating those guys. Anyway, coming on to my question: I like watching CEI and JOI videos, but at the end of the CEI videos, I am never able to eat it up. I always end up throwing it away. I really want to eat it, but I can’t seem to get the courage. What should I do so that I can at least follow all the instructions through to the end in CEI video?”

Liz says: Thanks for watching my channel. I’m a big fan of yours, too, because my fans are awesome!

So you can’t follow the instructions to eat your own semen when some random stranger tells you to in an effort to make you feel humiliated? Sounds healthy to me.

Look, if being humiliated turns you on sexually, there are myriad ways to be humiliated that don’t involve ejaculate. Listening to your own instincts is a good thing. So don’t do anything you don’t actually want to do. I’m guessing that simply being told to do it is enough to be arousing for you, actually following through is an unnecessary step anyway. Sometimes the idea of something is enough.

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S.C. wrote: “So happy your back! I hope all has been well. My wife and I are relatively young (both 26), married for 6 years with two young children. We argue on occasion but for the most part we have a loving and trusting marriage… but the romance department isnt great. Basically, we will have sex once a week and it’s great, but it feels very routine, almost obligatory. It’s like, “Okay it’s the second friday night of the week, here we go”, utilizing one of the two basic positions we use with no or little foreplay and no romantic activity in between this bi-monthly sex. I almost miss the days before we got married and started having sex, where we were doing hand/mouth stuff spontaneously while watching tv, and I’m struggling with how to address it and bring it back. When we are doing the deed my wife is into it, but outside those “sessions” she doesn’t seem to be interested in much, giving or receiving. Help?”

Liz says: Almost every married couple with and without kids is hardcore relating to your issue right now. It’s so common, there are hundreds of books and websites littered with advice on “How To Get The Spark Back Into Your Marriage!”

In other words, don’t buy into the nonsense that it must mean there’s something wrong in the marriage if you two aren’t pawing each other every chance you get anymore. You haven’t written anything that indicates you’re interpreting it this way, but it’s worth mentioning anyway (if not for you, then for my readers).

Humans have a need for novelty. It’s one of the driving forces behind exploration, innovation, and our tendency to desire multiple lovers over our lifetime. Humans get bored easily, it’s one of the side effects of being more intelligent animals. That’s why you don’t see squirrels getting bored eating acorns all day and creating Acorn Ragout.

Plus, humans tend to appreciate more what we can’t easily have. Psychologically, we subconsciously become more likely to take for granted the people who are always around, and in a marriage that can affect your sex drive or attraction to your partner.

Not to mention, other priorities take the lead. When you first meet, if you don’t have kids or careers, you have more time for spontaneous sex. But as soon as we master “Adulting” we give priority to the assortment of new responsibilities, like office meetings and your kid’s dental appointments. With more on our plate, spontaneous sex and frequent sex tend to take a backseat.

The answer to all this isn’t that humans should never get married or have kids, of course. Here are my tips:

  1. Understand that this is typical/common. After the rush of first love wears off, couples enter into what experts call Companionate Love. It’s romantic love without the obsessive thinking of each other and hard-to-control lust. Can you imagine if love never evolved past this stage? We’d never get anything done in society. Recognizing that this is a healthy stage is good because people who don’t are more likely to cheat on their partner or resent their partner because they assume their lack of frequent sex is a sign of something wrong in the relationship.
  2. Become a more egalitarian couple. Studies show that in relationships where both mates equally help around the home with the kids and chores, they rate their sex lives as more satisfying and they have more sex on average. This is most likely because if one spouse is more burdened by chores and children, they’re more stressed and tired (which lowers sex drive) and more resentful of the spouse who’s not putting in their part.
  3. Try something new. This could be something you both have discussed trying outside the bedroom or inside the bedroom. Doing something fun and novel can create a renewed sense of excitement in the relationship, even when it’s not sexual. For example, have you guys talked about an interest in skydiving? Or learning French together? Or trying sex in the shower? Anything new that gets us out of a rut stimulates parts of the brain that can be invigorating to the relationship.

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Frederick wrote: “Long acrylic and natural fingernails are a huge turn on for me. I’ve had this fetish since I was 6 and long nails can bump a female from an 8 to a 10. The problem is the girls I date or talk to don’t get their nails frequently done. How should I (if I should at all) talk them into getting their nails done more often? I don’t want to be pushy or demanding but it’s a major turn on and it enhances sex and the look of the person overall. Can you make a video about talking your partner into your nail fetish?”

Liz says: People often use the word “fetish” when they specify a turn-on, but an actual sexual fetish has a very particular meaning. Basically, if it’s something you can have sex without employing, either through fantasy or reality, then it’s not a fetish. If it’s simply something you prefer or find an added bonus that increases someone’s sex appeal, then it’s not a fetish. A sexual fetish is something that is necessary for you to employ in order for you to receive sexual gratification. In other words, if you can have sex and orgasm without imagining long fingernails, looking at them, or having a partner with them, then it’s not a fetish.

Whether or not it’s an actual fetish, it’s important enough to you that you’re writing me about it, so here goes: you need to only date women who already have long fingernails and enjoy getting frequent manicures. You don’t date people and then try to change them, you look for people who already possess the traits and behaviors that are important to you.

I don’t make YouTube videos for my channel anymore, but if I did I wouldn’t tell you how to talk your partner into turning themselves into someone they aren’t for your fantasies. If you were already married, however, that would be different. Some people make the mistake of getting married too young (they kept their fetish a secret) or they develop a sexual fantasy or kink during the marriage, and they need guidance in talking to their spouse about participating in their fantasies. But if you can prevent that issue in the first place, then you should by only dating women who love to have long fingernails.

But fashion trends come and go, and people like to change up their appearances, so what happens if you find this lady but one day she decides she’s sick of having long fingernails? They can be debilitating, after all. Have you ever tried wearing long fake nails? Completing simple, daily tasks can be frustrating. So when you find this partner, be honest with her about your love for her nails if you do indeed have a fetish (and be honest about what else you love about her), so if the day comes that she wants to change them maybe you two can compromise by having her only wearing the fake nails during sex or something like that. Having frequent, open, honest conversations is imperative for all couples if they want to last in the long run.

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Steve wrote: “Hi Liz, do you think it’s okay to ask a partner to do something in the bedroom that you know they don’t particularly enjoy? I love anal play (receiving), my wife…not so much. She will sometimes offer it on special occasions (birthday, anniversary) and I try to hold off outside of those times but every once in a while I will inexplicably badly crave this type of stimulation and well, I’ll ask. This has happened maybe 6 times in the two years I’ve admitted to liking this activity. Sometimes or mostly she’s declined but other times she responded with a reluctant “get some gloves”. I feel pretty guilty that I impose on her to do something not just that only pleases me but that I know she would rather not do. Is it wrong of me to request this of her on these rare occasions when I have trouble shaking the urge? Also, unrelatedly, do you watch The Handmaid’s Tale?”

Liz says: No, I haven’t watched The Handmaid’s Tale yet, but I eventually will because it sounds like a deep and interesting show that’s right up my alley.

I do think it’s okay to ask your spouse to occasionally fulfill a sexual desire they don’t enjoy, as long as they feel free to turn down your request without being made to feel guilty and you understand the answer might be no. To expect your partner to always fulfill your request and then treat them poorly for declining to satisfy your “urge” is abuse. Based on what you’ve written she does decline your request sometimes, and I doubt you treat her badly afterward because you mention feeling guilty for even asking her to participate.

Marriage (and all healthy long-term relationships) sometimes requires compromising by doing things you might not love doing but your partner does enjoy doing. For example, one spouse loves taking road trips through the West and his mate obliges even though he’d rather never take a road trip again, and that’s because his partner obliges his desire to see Michael Bublé in concert whenever he can. But, and this is a big BUT, if one day he tells his partner “I love you and want to make you happy, but I don’t think I can stomach another Michael Bublé concert. I think I’m totally sick of him”, in a healthy coupling he will be okay with this.

So if she decides one day she’s done obliging you in this department, will you be okay with that? And would she be okay with you satisfying yourself by using sex toys? I suggest talking with her about your concerns.

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J.P wrote:What’s your take on “bitchy/bratty” girls who know they are and enjoy it?”

Liz says: It depends on what behaviors you view as “bitchy”. Sometimes, when a woman is simply asserting herself or otherwise being direct, men will perceive her as rude when the very same behavior from a man would be perceived as strong or smart. In this case, my take is that these “girls” are wise in knowing when to stand up for themselves and when to speak plainly so as not to be misunderstood.

But if we’re talking about behaviors that would be deemed rude or abusive no matter how you slice it and who they’re coming from, and she is obviously aware of and enjoys being “bitchy”, I would say she might be extremely immature, or have a personality disorder, or a mental illness, or just going through a shitty time in her life and she’s taking it out on others. Whatever the case, the more interesting question to me is: why are some men more attracted to women who are “bitchy/bratty”, know they’re being masochistic/submissive, and enjoy it?

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S wrote: “Hi Liz, I’ve been seeing a colleague of mine lately. She’s amazing, beautiful and very sweet. But once I saw her feet and it really turned me off. It kind of changed my thoughts about her. How should I act?”

Liz says: If something about someone is a big turn-off, you can’t force yourself to look past it. You can’t force yourself to be more attracted to someone by trying to focus on their positive attributes, and trying to change them isn’t healthy, either.

I find your question interesting. Instead of asking “Does this make me shallow?” or “I’m going to stop seeing her, how do I handle it since she’s also a work colleague?”, you asked a very vague “How should I act?”

You should act like a caring person and decide whether you see a future with her or not. If not, let her down gently, don’t ghost on her or do anything else that might create more animosity than necessary with a coworker. You can say she’s lovely but you’re not feeling the chemistry and leave it at that.

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G.A. wrote: “Hi Liz, two years ago I told a girl I’ve known for five years that I liked her. She said that she sees me as a friend and she is not interested in me as I am for her. Since then, I had gotten over her and felt really free to hang out with other girls, which made her jealous. We decreased communication and it kind of boosted up my life again. Lately she’s talking to me again and even inviting me to hang out, but I’m trying not to act as that ‘friendzone-guy’ anymore. Honestly I still do not know what to do. Without her, my life boosted up but on the other hand I still have a feeling deep down there. Firstly, why would a girl get jealous over other girls while she should be happy for me as a ‘friend’? Second, what would you do in my position. Thank you very much!”

Liz says: The way I see it, there could be two reasons why she’s sending mixed messages. First, she could be actually developing feelings for you because of the Law of Contrast and Association, which asserts that someone will find you more attractive if they see you with other attractive people (more specifically she would find you more attractive when she sees you among attractive females). When you surround yourself as a single person with attractive people of the other sex, it increases your value as a mate (on a subconscious level). This isn’t true for everyone, but works for some people. She sees you with other girls and thinks ‘They must see something in him that’s sexy otherwise they wouldn’t date him/hang out with him’.

Or, she’s just jealous because she enjoyed your attention and your desire for her and seeing you move on makes her desire that attention from you again. In other words, she got a great ego boost from your crush on her and she would like to maintain that without actually being your girlfriend.

Whatever her reasons, she sounds toxic to me so I would suggest letting her go completely. You mentioned you became happier without her around so enjoy your new improved life without her. That’s what I would do!

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