The Naked Advice

Dating, Sex, And Relationship Advice with Liz LaPoint

Curious wrote: “So recently I’ve been discovering my sexuality and I think I’ve found my answer. I believe I am bisexual but I have a preference for men. I would not turn down a female if she was someone I was interested in for the right reasons. I feel comfortable in my identity it’s just there seems to be so many misconceptions about bisexual people that I’m afraid to tell anyone, particularly the person I’m with (who is a male) about my new revelation.

I guess my questions are, is there such a thing as being bisexual with a preference towards one gender? And should I tell my partner of my new sexuality? Thank you.”

Liz says: Who could blame you for worrying about misconceptions when saying you’re bisexual is often assumed to be code for promiscuous and commitment-phobic or really gay but taking baby steps to come out of the closet? If you’re female, then people think you’re just saying that to turn guys on and if you’re male you must’ve been sexually abused so now you’re “confused”. How frustrating!

I will admit I used to be guilty of believing that girls said it for attention (we’ve all seen our share of straight chicks making out at the bar in a drunken stupor while the men salivate) and gay guys used the label bisexual at first because it felt “safer”. While these situations undoubtedly exist, to assume this is the case with every person who says they’re attracted to both sexes is ignorant.

I believe most heterosexual people are bi-curious. We go through a phase where we  wonder what it would be like to kiss the same sex. I’m sure some lesbians and gays also wonder what it would be like to make out with the sex that society expects them to be attracted to. Some of us experiment and some of us repress those thoughts and forget about it. This is all normal.

Now on to your questions: Yes, there is such a thing as preferring one gender over the other! Many people are more sexually attracted to one sex, and more romantically attracted to the other. I’ve also read about people who only date the other sex and have only had committed relationships with them, but enjoy occasionally sleeping with the same sex. This in no way proves that people who identify as bisexual can’t commit in relationships. They are no more likely to cheat than heterosexuals or homosexuals or asexuals or foot fetishists or furries or people who want to marry their refrigerators.

As far as telling your current partner, why not? It’s not something you should feel you need to hide from someone you’re intimate with. If you’re concerned that he believes all of the above myths, just educate him. If he can’t hang with knowing this tidbit about you, then you know sooner than later not to waste any more time with him!

lady-gaga-bisexual

 

 

There’s a lot of bad advice out there. Sometimes it’s only bad because it’s too simplistic, like “Good communication is the most important for making love last”. Sure, good communication is important, but what exactly is “good” communication? And what about things like compatible personalities, sexual and/or romantic chemistry, and shared values?

I recently came across a piece of bad advice while reading an article about marriage. A therapist said they tell their engaged clients to ask their friends what they think of the person they are planning to marry and be sure to “listen to what they have to say”. Presumably, the therapist sees value in getting an outsider’s perspective of the person you’re about to swap bodily fluids with for the rest of your life.

What problem could I possibly have with that, right? Seems reasonable, doesn’t it?

No, no, no. For starters, you have to consider how old your friends are and how much life experience and dating experience they have. If your friends are much younger than you and inexperienced, do their opinions have as much weight?

Second, the therapist has forgotten that sometimes friends have underlying resentments or issues and aren’t exactly unbiased in their opinions. What if your bestie is actually jealous of you and your relationship? Should you listen to the opinions of someone who might not have your best interests at heart?

Third, your friends aren’t marrying your mate, you are. There might be things about your mate that they dislike but you find endearing or tolerable. Unless you’re in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship, their opinions shouldn’t matter.

Fourth, some people have a tendency to only talk about their mates with their friends after they’ve had a massive fight (if you do this I would suggest you’re not mature enough for marriage yet), therefore cementing a negative opinion in their friend’s minds of what could actually be a healthy relationship. It’s normal to fight sometimes, but if that’s all your friends hear about they might believe you two are wrong for each other. Of course, this all depends on context, but only the two people in the relationship actually have all the information in which to base all their decision-making.

Which leads me to the final reason it’s bad advice to suggest one go to their friends before deciding to marry someone: I believe it’s the therapist’s job to guide someone and equip them with all the tools necessary to *know how to make wise relationship decisions on their own*. Key aspects of maturity are knowing how to be emotionally intelligent, develop and use critical-thinking skills, knowing how to step outside of yourself to see things from another perspective, and knowing how to filter out all the noise (AKA everyone else’s opinions about your life).

bad-advice-cat

 

 

 

B.J. wrote: “Hi Liz. I have a question…is it normal for a man to prefer oral sex over actual intercourse? It seems when my wife and I engage in intercourse, it’s not as pleasurable for me as when she performs oral sex on me. This has caused some frustration in our marriage but my wife is a good sport about it and fulfills me. I remember hearing Dr. Dean Edelle say that circumcised men prefer oral to intercourse due to the lack of sensitivity from being circumcised. I don’t know if I believe that, but yet I wouldn’t know due to the fact that I am circumcised. I would like your opinion on this. Is this normal? Or common? Thanks for your help.”

Liz says: I’ve never been with a man who preferred oral sex to intercourse (and I’ve had both circumcised and intact boyfriends), so I’m betting the reasons you do are more psychological than physical.

Maybe you are more aroused by the sight of receiving oral (you get a different POV), or it plays more into some Domination and Submission fantasies you have (she’s in a submissive position going down on you & not receiving her own physical pleasure).

You could also have pregnancy anxieties from engaging in vaginal intercourse, and getting a blow job allows you to relax more.

One physical benefit to receiving oral is the ease at which she can also stimulate your testicles, I suppose. There’s also the fact that you might be using condoms during intercourse, thereby decreasing sensation, but that seems so obvious a reason that I would think you’d have mentioned it if condoms played a role.

I think men who prefer oral sex over vaginal intercourse are in the minority, and I’m not basing that only on my personal experience. Here is a poll that showed only 11% of men who said receiving oral sex was their favorite. But does the fact that you’re in this minority mean there’s something wrong with you? Of course not!

Your letter brings up a controversial topic that usually results in heated discussions: male circumcision. Should it be legal to perform body modifications on a baby? Does it affect a man’s sex life? Are there any health benefits to circumcision? I have a whole lot to say on the matter, but that will be saved for a later blog.

bananas

 

 

J.O. wrote: “Hey Liz, I saw your video about the giantess fetish. I do have that, but how do I tell my girlfriend about it and how do I get her into it?”

Liz says: Show her my YouTube video! That’s a great way to get her honest opinion, before you tell her that’s what you’re into. You could introduce it by saying something like “Check out this interesting fetish! Ever heard of it?” If she seems close-minded and writes it off as “stupid” or “crazy”, then you know where she stands and you can decide whether or not that’s a deal breaker for you. But if she asks questions and seems genuinely intrigued, then it’s an opportunity to clear some of it up for her before you progress to disclosing your fantasies.

Just because she might be open-minded about it doesn’t mean she will want to engage in any giantess role-playing, however. No one should be pressured into doing anything sexual that they’re uncomfortable with, so if she’s accepting of your fetish but doesn’t wish to participate you’ll have to decide if that’s a deal breaker, too.

50-foot woman poster

 

Vick wrote:I have two different questions concerning gender equality in dating. The first is paying for the date and the second concerns communication while dating.

As a man I always pay for the date just to avoid the awkward discussion. This especially applies for the first date. It is nice however, when the girl picks up the check every once in a while. I have been on dates with girls before and had girlfriends in which we would take turns with the check or different parts of the date were split. For example, I would buy dinner and she would pay for the movie. The reason why I’m asking is I recently dated a girl and I picked up the tab every time secretly hoping she would at least volunteer to leave a tip. Unfortunately after 4 dates with this girl, she ghosted me and left me feeling like I got used.

This same girl that ghosted me after 4 dates also never initiated a conversation with me and was slow to respond to me when I contacted her. I have several female friends that advised me this is normal as men are supposed to be leaders in a relationship and the guy is supposed to pursue the girl. I personally feel that if I am the only one initiating a conversation with a girl then she seems not interested in me. Especially when she takes so long to respond to a text.

With it being 2016 it seems like these two traditional values are antiquated. I have no problem whatsoever with a girl taking me out every now and then. I also like it when girls initiate a conversation with me – it lets me know that they are actually interested.

What is your opinion Liz?”

Liz says: I understand where you’re coming from. You’re concerned with being taken advantage of by chicks only looking for a few free meals, and why are you still expected to always pick up the tab in this age of third-wave feminism and women in college outnumbering men?

I once had a guy friend who said he stopped planning dinners out with a new date, whether they met online or IRL, and instead asked to meet up for coffee for their first date to see if they connect. That way he was only spending around $10-15 instead of blowing $70-100 on a meal and a show with a woman he saw no future with and didn’t want to continue seeing. Once a desire to keep dating each other was established, he was more than happy to pick up the tab. So there’s that option for you.

Let me share with you a personal experience I had back when I was dating. We had met online, in a meet-up group, and emailed each other for a bit. We had a strong connection and a lot in common, but he lived in Burbank and I lived in Irvine (about an hour’s drive away). When we finally got together for our first date, when the check arrived at the table he pushed it toward me and asked to split it. I was taken aback, because that had never happened to me before. Even guy friends would pay for me sometimes! But I brushed off my discomfort by telling myself ‘I’m not a gold digger; I can pay for my own meals.’

We ended up dating for a year and a half. He was very much a “score-keeper”. Even though I showed no signs of being an entitled person and we were in a monogamous relationship (in other words, we had moved past the stage of just dating and were now “boyfriend and girlfriend”) he seemed to be paranoid of giving more than receiving. If he got our lunch he’d ask me to pay for the museum tickets, but if I got lunch it never occurred to me to worry about whether he would get our movie tickets. I finally had to explain to him that he should trust by now that things will even out. A healthy attitude about relationships doesn’t keep score, he should trust that sometimes he will buy everything and sometimes I will. When I broke up with him, let me tell you what I realized his wanting to go Dutch on the first date should’ve warned me of: his inability to be generous with more than just money. He was stingy with his money and also his space, time, and heart. He was not ready for a real relationship.

Here’s what paying for your meals together (once you’ve established you’re both into each other) does: it says you’re a man and not a broke teenager (men are sexy, broke teens are not) and it establishes that you see her as a romantic possibility. We go dutch when we eat out with friends. If you want to make it clear you’re a man looking for a romantic partner and not just hanging out with a friend, you pick up the check. For women, it symbolizes you’re responsible and ready to take care of her.

(Now, I’m only speaking on heterosexual relationships. I’m unaware of how this plays out in LGBT dating. If you’re reading this and you are LGBT please enlighten me as to how this usually goes and if there are “dating rules”. Is it expected that whomever asks the other out is the one who pays? Does paying for the meal on a first date symbolize the same things that I assert above?)

About the other concern you raised: your female friends are wrong, your instincts are right. When someone is also into you, communication flows naturally and is initiated by both of you. If she’s into you, she will be too excited to ignore your text for so long. What your friends are referring to is the belief that women need to play “hard to get” in order to keep your interest, so they don’t initiate contact and take too long to reply to texts. It’s immature and (as you’re proving) tends to be a turn-off because why invest more time into someone not giving any incentive to? Relationships require mutual interest to happily continue and nothing screams “I have no interest” more than ignoring someone and not attempting to get to know them. It hurts and just makes you want to give up. Games like that are the reason dating can be so exhausting, but truthfully it’s rarely played. Most often if she’s not initiating contact and taking her sweet time to respond to you, it’s most likely because she’s not into you, not because she is but playing hard to get.

So there’s my opinion😉

man-pays-on-dates-400x3001

 

 

 

It is often spoken to the nervous bride or groom from well-meaning friends or relatives. The fiancé wonders why he’s been procrastinating setting a wedding date and his best friend says it, the bride is crying in the bathroom before the ceremony while her maid of honor says it. “You just have cold feet! Everyone does before they get hitched! This is normal. You’re about to make a life-changing decision and it’s bound to give you the jitters!”

No, no, no. Those “cold feet” are your instincts kicking in, trying to stop you from making a mistake that you may or may not be consciously aware will be a mistake.

Some people will mistakenly attribute cold feet to simply being nervous about being in the spotlight in front of a hundred people, and hoping it all goes smoothly. No, when you’re only nervous about the wedding ceremony, and not who you’re marrying or about getting married at all, it will be happy nervousness, the kind of fidgeting and mild freaking out that still makes it evident to everyone this is one the happiest days of your life. And in this case no one feels the need to reassure you that you just have “cold feet”.

Cold feet behaviors are the ones that make it clear you’re having second thoughts. Your mind is telling you “I don’t think you should be doing this!” Hence the procrastination/tears/fighting/irritability/etc.

When I married my husband, there was not a moment of doubt. Not a shred of anything that resembles cold feet. When you’re ready for marriage, and you know this person you’re committing to is right for you, there are no alarm bells. Nothing that makes you want to run for the hills or wonder if you should call it off.

Unfortunately, people have a tendency to ignore reality in favor of blind optimism. Friends are expected to say words of encouragement, even in the face of what’s plain as day to everyone. There’s a cultural expectation that a good friend will help you feel better, so they tell you what you want to hear instead of the truth. It’s also because friends don’t want to appear envious or malicious by telling the truth. Too often, in the case where a friend doesn’t mince words (“I think you don’t really want to marry him. He’s been abusive and your heart is telling you he’s never going to change”), the bride might lash out with accusations that the friend is “just jealous” or “being judgmental” and doesn’t “know him like I do”.

Don’t ignore those cold feet. That’s simply a dismissive term for a useful aid in determining right from wrong, safe from dangerous, healthy from unhealthy: your instincts.

Married couple, portrait (focus on groom with worried expression)

Married couple, portrait (focus on groom with worried expression)

 

Anon wrote:Hey Liz, I saw your YouTube video about ball busting fetishes and I wanted to weigh in and seek advice on the topic. I don’t know what it is. I stumbled upon ball busting on the Internet and ever since then I’ve been obsessed or just intrigued by the act. I have once done it with someone I dated and while exciting and fun I didn’t love the girl. I feel like for the most part I could never share this with someone I love and loves me. And it worries me. Maybe I’m embarrassed? Afraid of an instant break up. I’ve done ball busting with girls that are just friends. Maybe I have an addiction problem? I have over the past couple of months had bouts of severe depression, but it makes me happy. I even have a set of ways I like it to be done and I feel like because of this I don’t crave other normal romance anymore or even conventional intercourse. What should I do?”

Liz says: For your letter, Anon, I consulted psychotherapist Rob Peach who gave this insight: “It sounds to me like your viewer is experiencing an erotic conflict, meaning there is a discrepancy between what he finds erotic and what he sees as a healthy sexual and intimate relationship and, as a result, isolates himself and avoids intimacy due to fearing judgement or rejection from potential partners. I just wrote a couple of blog posts about this exact thing, so maybe you and he can check them out.”

I did check them out and I think they’ll both be helpful to you, Anon. Click here and here to read his advice.

It doesn’t sound to me like you have an addiction, but here is a checklist that can help you determine if you do: Sex Addicts Anonymous Self-Assessment

Several studies link depression with high-risk sexual behaviors, however the direction of causality has yet to be made clear. In other words, do depressed people engage in risky sex or do risky sexual activities cause depression? I suspect it depends on the individual and their specific circumstances.

You asked what you should do, and reaching out to me (or anyone unbiased and non-judgmental) was the first step so yay for that! And seeing a licensed sex-positive therapist in person can help you too. Things can change for the better, so don’t give up hope, whatever you do!

Depressed man portrait