The Naked Advice

Dating, Sex, And Relationship Advice with Liz LaPoint

It is often spoken to the nervous bride or groom from well-meaning friends or relatives. The fiancé wonders why he’s been procrastinating setting a wedding date and his best friend says it, the bride is crying in the bathroom before the ceremony while her maid of honor says it. “You just have cold feet! Everyone does before they get hitched! This is normal. You’re about to make a life-changing decision and it’s bound to give you the jitters!”

No, no, no. Those “cold feet” are your instincts kicking in, trying to stop you from making a mistake that you may or may not be consciously aware will be a mistake.

Some people will mistakenly attribute cold feet to simply being nervous about being in the spotlight in front of a hundred people, and hoping it all goes smoothly. No, when you’re only nervous about the wedding ceremony, and not who you’re marrying or about getting married at all, it will be happy nervousness, the kind of fidgeting and mild freaking out that still makes it evident to everyone this is one the happiest days of your life. And in this case no one feels the need to reassure you that you just have “cold feet”.

Cold feet behaviors are the ones that make it clear you’re having second thoughts. Your mind is telling you “I don’t think you should be doing this!” Hence the procrastination/tears/fighting/irritability/etc.

When I married my husband, there was not a moment of doubt. Not a shred of anything that resembles cold feet. When you’re ready for marriage, and you know this person you’re committing to is right for you, there are no alarm bells. Nothing that makes you want to run for the hills or wonder if you should call it off.

Unfortunately, people have a tendency to ignore reality in favor of blind optimism. Friends are expected to say words of encouragement, even in the face of what’s plain as day to everyone. There’s a cultural expectation that a good friend will help you feel better, so they tell you what you want to hear instead of the truth. It’s also because friends don’t want to appear envious or malicious by telling the truth. Too often, in the case where a friend doesn’t mince words (“I think you don’t really want to marry him. He’s been abusive and your heart is telling you he’s never going to change”), the bride might lash out with accusations that the friend is “just jealous” or “being judgmental” and doesn’t “know him like I do”.

Don’t ignore those cold feet. That’s simply a dismissive term for a useful aid in determining right from wrong, safe from dangerous, healthy from unhealthy: your instincts.

Married couple, portrait (focus on groom with worried expression)

Married couple, portrait (focus on groom with worried expression)

 

Anon wrote:Hey Liz, I saw your YouTube video about ball busting fetishes and I wanted to weigh in and seek advice on the topic. I don’t know what it is. I stumbled upon ball busting on the Internet and ever since then I’ve been obsessed or just intrigued by the act. I have once done it with someone I dated and while exciting and fun I didn’t love the girl. I feel like for the most part I could never share this with someone I love and loves me. And it worries me. Maybe I’m embarrassed? Afraid of an instant break up. I’ve done ball busting with girls that are just friends. Maybe I have an addiction problem? I have over the past couple of months had bouts of severe depression, but it makes me happy. I even have a set of ways I like it to be done and I feel like because of this I don’t crave other normal romance anymore or even conventional intercourse. What should I do?”

Liz says: For your letter, Anon, I consulted psychotherapist Rob Peach who gave this insight: “It sounds to me like your viewer is experiencing an erotic conflict, meaning there is a discrepancy between what he finds erotic and what he sees as a healthy sexual and intimate relationship and, as a result, isolates himself and avoids intimacy due to fearing judgement or rejection from potential partners. I just wrote a couple of blog posts about this exact thing, so maybe you and he can check them out.”

I did check them out and I think they’ll both be helpful to you, Anon. Click here and here to read his advice.

It doesn’t sound to me like you have an addiction, but here is a checklist that can help you determine if you do: Sex Addicts Anonymous Self-Assessment

Several studies link depression with high-risk sexual behaviors, however the direction of causality has yet to be made clear. In other words, do depressed people engage in risky sex or do risky sexual activities cause depression? I suspect it depends on the individual and their specific circumstances.

You asked what you should do, and reaching out to me (or anyone unbiased and non-judgmental) was the first step so yay for that! And seeing a licensed sex-positive therapist in person can help you too. Things can change for the better, so don’t give up hope, whatever you do!

Depressed man portrait

 

S.T. wrote: “Hi, I watched your YouTube video on belly button fetishes. I have always had a fetish for stomachs and navels. It has ruined my life. It has made dating hard for me and  I feel like I don’t fit in. Do you have any advice for me? I feel creepy having this fetish how can I change my way of thinking? I want to be normal.”

Liz says: Dating is hard for most people, but add a sexual fetish to the mix and it can be extra difficult. Learning how to embrace your fetish while also maintaining a sense of balance and perspective is the key. It doesn’t have to ruin your life!

Do you feel creepy because that’s how your love interests treated you? Or is it because you’ve internalized shame from how society views fetishes? Or do you do legitimately creepy things, like trying to get your female friends and coworkers to show you their navels and then cooing about how sexy they are?

It’s about not letting your sexual desires become your identity, not letting your fetish become an obsession, but also not burying it in shame. It’s about balance!

Your sexual proclivities might be atypical, but you’re probably “normal” in many other ways. Focus on all the things you do have in common with dating partners, but also look for someone who will embrace what turns you on, or at the very least won’t treat you poorly after learning of it.

But if you still want to change your “way of thinking” and want to be “normal” there are trustworthy, sex positive counselors who can help you. Psychotherapist Rob Peach (click here to visit his website) is one of them!

Keep in mind, you have the power to live the life you want to live. There is hope!😉

heart navel

 

Itachi310 wrote: “Hey Liz, I just came across your channel and you have a lot of useful advice I can use daily, especially in relationships. I wanted to know if you ever touched on the topic of some men still being a virgin past a certain age like 19-20 (there are A LOT who are afraid to admit it). I’m 23 and I’m one at the moment. I have had healthy past relationships with different girls and a great social life (guess I’m too “traditional”).

What I feel my issue is has always been about leading up to or being the one initiating sex after, say, 3 months together (fear of being judged but I DO WANT a healthy sex life.) My friends are mostly single and always tell me who they hooked up with and how many times  and how it’s soooo easy to get some. They know I’m a virgin and have asked me WHAT AM I WAITING FOR!!?! because life is too short and all that.

Now I must mention that I never had a problem with meeting girls or just people in general because I guess I’ve always been weird/different in a cool way to some extent and don’t have to try as hard to socialize (not bragging). I saw your video on escorts and honestly thought of using one because I feel pressured in some ways, but decided not to. I have heard some girls say they DON’T want a virgin for a partner but rather a MAN who has experience “and know what he’s doing”. On the other hand many have said they LOVED the idea or it’s not a big issue to be ashamed of because it’s cute to them to have “someone pure”??? I guess my point is..WHAT DO FEMALES EXPECT FROM MEN WHEN IT COMES TO AGREEING TO HAVE SEX AFTER DATING SO LONG. PLEASE RESPOND and let me know what you think, thanks!”

Liz says: As you already know, it depends on the female!

You don’t need an escort. What you need is to develop a strong connection with a woman you’re dating and sex usually just falls into place. It will naturally occur when you’re with someone who’s into you and the passion for each other is consummated. If it doesn’t begin naturally (as in not awkwardly and uncomfortably) then either you’re not right for each other or you’re putting too much value/emphasis on your inexperience (getting too nervous and letting your inexperience inhibit you).

Being a virgin in your 20s could mean plenty of things or it could simply mean you’re pickier than everyone else about who you hook up with. Look at it this way: you haven’t had to spend any mental and emotional energy worrying about the things all your friends do, like unplanned pregnancies, morning-after pills, and sexually-transmitted infections.

Just be upfront about your V Card when dating and dump anyone who acts like you’re weird. You say you fear being judged, and that’s understandable, but you can choose to weed out those girls and only spend time with someone who finds it endearing and sexy, and wants to teach you some things😉

You could lead with your virginal status dating online to attract women who are also virgins. There are dating websites that cater to virgins, but they appear to be more for people who are purposely saving themselves for religious reasons.

Just remember, there’s no magic line that once spoken to a chick will make her jump your bones, there’s no magical ambiance necessary or mood lighting necessary, and there’s no special skill that women expect a man to possess. When two people are romantically attracted to each other, sexual activity usually occurs pretty naturally, no special pick-up lines/pills/alcohol/music necessary. All you need is consent. The rest will sort itself out when you both open up about your desires, fantasies, and turn-offs.

So stop worrying:-)letter-v1

 

R.L. wrote:I’d be interested in hearing your take on me. I am straight. My girl describes her self as a lesbian with penis envy. I have never had intercourse with her. I have given her oral and received (very rough) anal with oversized dildos. She is dominant. Over time I agreed to be feminized. I am smooth, wear heels, lingerie, a wig, and makeup when we have sex or play. I have always been on the submissive side but nothing too extreme. But now I get paddled, CBT Wax (not the wax that melts at low temperatures). We just got an Alien Dildo that lays gelatin eggs, and a Dildo that squirts to simulate cumming. I don’t really like the pain except for the lust and pleasure it brings her. I don’t get hard from receiving anal but I do love her doing it to me. But I have to admit I enjoy the crossdressing and being her sissy. I’ve been in chastity for awhile now. I get to masturbate every 4 to 6 weeks and I have to do that by myself (but video it and clean up my mess). I’ve agreed to be put in to a chastity device that uses a piercing so we can get rid of the cumbersome cage (it’s called the PA 5000 if you want to check it out).

I can honestly say I am having the most overwhelming orgasms I’ve experienced. So I did not really seek this out but I have never been happier and more in love. I just find her sooooooo erotic and pleasing, submitting and pretty much surrendering control any way she wants just feels good and right to me. I’m not allowed to have any say in what we do or what she does to me. I am masculine (kind of a redneck) Iron Worker. We do some public displays of Dominance and submission but for the most part she is a total sweetheart out of the bedroom. Sometimes I question my own sanity, but I don’t have any desire what so ever to not be in this relationship.

Liz says: You two sound perfect for each other. You both get to play out your fantasies, mutually enjoying the roles you’ve taken on, and doing it all with respect and proper boundaries. But I actually understand you more than your girlfriend in this scenario!

With you, it makes sense that as a straight submissive man you’d get hot from pretending to be a female and getting penetrated by a female. But as a lesbian, I’m fascinated that she is with a man playing the feminine/submissive role instead of being with a woman. You’re heterosexual, so it makes sense you’re with a woman, but if she’s a lesbian why isn’t she with a woman, too? I’m guessing her sexuality leans more to the middle of the spectrum and less to the “only homosexual” end.

Anyway, whatever her sexual orientation, she’s dominant in the way that you need and it appears you are happy. A lot of straight subs question why they don’t get turned off by replicas of male genitalia (for anyone who’s never heard of the Alien dildo, click here to be amused and astonished LOL) but anything that puts you in a place of degradation will be arousing and for most straight men being female or being forced into a homosexual situation is degrading. In other words, you’re more aroused by humiliation than turned off by dildos.

The fact that you’re a “masculine Iron Worker” will be noted by many who subscribe to the notion that the more macho or powerful one is in regular life the more submissive they are in the bedroom. However, there are some who say that is not the norm and people involved in BDSM are more varied than that (although a fictional character, Christian Grey of the 50 Shades series comes to mind).

Congratulations on successful sexual exploration and finding a compatible partner!

i-am-the-dominant-female

I’m Confused wrote: “Hi Liz, I am a crossdresser and have a fantasy about giving a guy a blow job while in a dress. I consider myself straight but this fantasy is overtaking my mind. What should I do?”

Liz says: This is a pretty common fantasy for straight men who enjoy being sexually submissive, although I’m not sure how often it’s actually played out. There are a lot of things that can be hot in fantasy but in real life would make us cringe. So what you “should do” depends a ton on your level of experience and comfort.

For some hetero men with this fantasy (whether or not they crossdress) they’re aroused by being in the submissive (female) role, to the point that even servicing another man is part of the fantasy. Many will allow that fantasy to remain a fantasy, and others will experiment (with varying results).

But there’s also the possibility you’re not totally straight or cisgendered. So what?😉

male model wearing dress

Pantyboy wrote: “Hi Liz, I’ve watched some of your videos on Youtube and I think you’re great. I hope you can help me with my issue and questions. I’ll start off with a little story. 2 years ago I got a gift card to Macy’s and decided to explore a little bit with women’s panties. I bought myself some Maidenform boy shorts (yeah I know I got out of my comfort zone haha) and I really liked them once I tried them. They made me feel sexy and even though they were for women, they fit my physique really well. As you can imagine I became increasingly curious as to what the other styles felt like. One by one I tried them and I liked them with exception of Victoria’s Secret cheekies (they didn’t accommodate my package).

Now I have an entire drawer full of women’s undies that I enjoy. I do have some questions though. Is it okay for men to wear women’s underwear? What do women think about it? How should I handle changing in the gym locker room? How do I approach a female romantic partner about this?

Liz please help me and shed some light on this topic. I really do enjoy wearing panties!!”

Liz says: This is fascinating to me because I’m curious what exactly it is about wearing our underwear that you enjoy. Is it the texture/sensation of the material they’re made out of? Is it that it feels sexy to wear something under your typical male attire that goes against gender norms? Is it about submission and humiliation?

I will answer your questions in the order you asked them.

  1. Yes, it’s okay. You’re not breaking any laws, hurting anyone, and what you choose to wear is your own damn business.
  2. What “women” think about it will depend on the woman. Chicks who lean more submissive and expect men to conform to the macho image of manliness will probably be turned off, and women who lean dominant and are more sexually free-spirited will probably find it hot.
  3. My first suggestion is to simply avoid wearing panties on the days you know you’ll be hitting the gym. But if that kills the panty party for you, change in a stall?
  4. If I were dating a dude secretly into this, I would want him to just tell me about it when he feels ready to. It’s probably wise to wait until you know there’s something strong between you, when you’ve been dating a few months or something. This isn’t something that you incorporate into the bedroom (yet?) so since it doesn’t really involve her participation, it’s not something I would encourage coming out with right away (but also isn’t something I encourage hiding forever, either). It’s really about when you want to share it with her.

Happy panty-wearing!😉

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