The Naked Advice

with Model & Writer Liz LaPoint

 

fullsizerender-5This is what’s wrong with our nation’s discourse today. Even journalists and “News Personalities” behave like Internet trolls.

Internet trolls are people who enjoy intentionally saying inflammatory, ignorant things in order to get a reaction. They espouse extremist views, knowingly lie or say misleading statements, and do so mainly for the attention and sadistic pleasure they receive from seeing people riled up.

Tomi Lahren is becoming famous and rich from exactly this, just like her predecessors Rush Limbaugh, et al. As you can see from her Facebook Page, she believes her polarizing views and opinions and the ensuing reactions are “exactly what needs to happen in this country.” Really? “Reactions” are what need to happen? Not reasoned, critical thinking? Not educated, informed reactions? Not balanced, healthy perspectives? Just “reactions”? She’s encouraging people to simply “react” with their emotions instead of stopping to think rationally/critically, and that’s dangerous and stupid when you have thousands of followers. But then, those followers already do this and don’t think twice about any of it otherwise they wouldn’t be her followers.

I bring all this up because I see people far too often hop onto the bandwagon of what the general masses are saying or whatever their fringe group is asserting without stopping to think any further. They don’t ask questions, they simply embrace whatever their first emotional response was to something and then when evidence comes forth that contradicts what they believe, they try to defend their feelings and hold even stronger to them. They perform intricate mental gymnastics in an attempt to justify their emotions and beliefs. This is called cognitive dissonance, and only accepting opinions or evidence that support your views is confirmation bias.

It’s crucial to civil discourse and societal evolution that people are open to hearing new information, other people’s perspectives and experiences, and recognize that what they were told growing up might not be the truth.

This all relates to relationships, of course. We can’t grow together and understand each other when people let their biases color everything they interpret. I see this happen a lot, frighteningly, in regards to current events related to sex. There are extremists who want to pathologize normal sexual relations and behaviors, mistaking their own sexual histories or religious beliefs as fact, and extremists who go too far the other way by dismissing or minimizing actual crimes and legitimate concerns.

What I see in public discourse is a serious lack of balanced, educated opinions. And you know why? Those don’t get the same attention. The most popular YouTubers, for example, who talk about current events and politics are the extremists, like anti-feminists.

Anti-feminist: “Feminism is stupid!”

Viewers: “Whaaaat?? This makes me MAD! I’m going to subscribe and argue with all of this person’s fans and share this video because I can’t believe someone is saying this!”

It isn’t the reasonable people who get attention because they don’t elicit the same visceral, kicked in the gut emotional response that gets audiences and viewers.

Reasonable YouTuber: “I believe feminism has done great things for the world but there are a few feminists who take things too far.”

Viewers: “That’s a perfectly rational view supported by evidence. Yaawwwnnnn.”

So no, Tomi Lahren, it’s not simply “reactions” that need to happen. It’s a better-educated society that grows up to use their critical-thinking skills that needs to happen. It’s a society that wants to unite, instead of feeding off of opposition. It’s a society that values peace over war. It’s a society that values people over money. And it’s a culture of diversity not a culture of conformity.

 

L wrote: “Is it ok and normal to masturbate and to look at porn? I tried doing no fap, the no masturbation movement and I usually fail after 20 straight days. It doesn’t effect my personal life. With this no fap movement and all these anti-porn sites I am not sure if porn and masturbation are ok and healthy in moderation anymore. I’d like to hear your insight, thanks.”

Liz says: Back in the late 1800s-early 1900s, there was a doctor named John Kellogg. He ran a sanitarium and he was a religious kook who believed that masturbation was bad. He forced all of his patients to eat a bland diet because he thought spicy, flavorful foods “excited” men into arousal. So he invented corn flakes cereal (is there anything more bland than corn flakes?) and ended up marketing it to everyone when he started his company because he wanted to expand his sexual abstinence “activism” to more than his patients.  Click here to read more about this interesting bit of history.

Now we can look back on that and scoff at the absurd connections he made (undoubtedly without scientific evidence to support him). We know that eating delicious food has nothing to do with being horny, it’s simply human nature and it’s normal. And we also now understand that total abstinence is unrealistic, unnecessary, and can cause psychological and emotional strife.

One of the reasons people (besides Dr. Kellogg) used to discourage male masturbation is because they ignorantly believed that males only produced a limited amount of sperm, so if teens masturbated they might become infertile by the time they wanted to be dads. The difference between yesterday’s “no masturbation” kooks and today’s is that today’s No Fap proponents should know better.

No Fap fails because it’s not balanced and reasonable. What made you try No Fap? Was it societal or religious pressures? Stop listening to messages that make sex into an ugly, bad thing. Feeling aroused and wanting to masturbate are not signs of moral failure, character flaws, sin, or a bad upbringing. It’s normal, healthy human behavior.

And as far as watching porn is concerned: as long as you’re an adult, it’s balanced with healthy relationships, and it’s legal, you’re okay. Millions of healthy single people, married couples, and everyone in between watch it sometimes. Anti-porn crusaders don’t have science to back up their extreme beliefs. Click here and here to read what studies have to say on the topic.

The only thing I’d caution with watching porn is to not take it as a guide for sex in real life with a partner! Too many younger people mistakenly think what they see performed (and most of it is a performance) is an accurate representation of how it goes with a partner. Keep in mind that porn films illustrate a fantasy, not real life. Only actual experience with a real partner will teach you how to be a good in bed.

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Greetings, Readers!

As many of you know, my husband is a photographer and his latest work featuring me made its debut today.

I’m proud of this novel. We worked hard on this collaboration and hope you enjoy it as much as we enjoyed making it!

While it’s not what we consider pornography, it does contain erotic imagery so it is for people older than 18 years.

We had a lot to say in this piece about freedom of expression, love, hate, apathy, and fearless living. These are interesting times we live in, the most global our planet has ever been, the most divisive and yet most connected humans have ever been to each other.

It’s available in multiple formats. Click here to order: Eye Of the Beholder

And click here to get an Official Art Bomb Tee with an image from the book!

Thank you!

Liz LaPoint

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“Quincy” wrote: “I’m a boy who is 16 years old and I have a chastity fetish. I already know that I like to be submissive when I have sex  (I cross-dress in the closet but I want to during sex). I’m finding it extremely difficult to find people to date who are into the same kind of things that I am sexually. I wouldn’t really care but me being submissive is also a part of my personality and I want to be able to just be myself. I’m told that I’m attractive. I’m fairly smart (3.3 gpa) and play sports. I’m pretty shy and quiet but when people approach me I will talk. My question is, why can’t I find anyone who is into female domination and chastity? (I also want them to be decent, like no failing grades or anything). I feel like I won’t ever find anyone and I’m wondering if something is wrong with me.”

Liz says: How does a 16-year-old get the idea that you should’ve found someone “into domination and chastity” by now? You’re in your mid-teens, for crissakes!

Your teens and twenties are a period of intense growth, physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s difficult finding someone with whom we are compatible, but throw in specific sexual kinks and that makes it a bit more strenuous. But with the passage of time comes new life experiences that not only help us develop as whole people, they lead us to someone ideal for us as romantic partners. In other words, slow down! There is plenty of time for you to find compatible partners.

Females take a bit more time, generally speaking, to discover themselves sexually and to learn what they like. Most teenagers, let alone girls, are not going to be self-aware enough to acknowledge whether or not they’re “into dominating” guys. Many are probably totally unaware this kink even exists!

This is a part of who you are now, but that may or may not change as you get older. I suggest you focus on your education and making friends, and one day you’ll be with someone who understands you, accepts you, and loves your preferences.

So don’t internalize your dating difficulties by thinking there is “something wrong” with you. It will all work out😉

Depressed man portrait

 

“Andrew” wrote: “I have dated this girl for past two weeks. It’s going well so far, but the only thing that caught me off guard a little bit is that she wants me to worship her feet. I’m a guy who hates touching feet in general, what do I do?”

Liz says: Tell her you “hate touching feet” and you have no interest in worshipping hers. Being honest about what you will or won’t be comfortable in trying and what you know turns you off or on is imperative to living authentically and will guide you to the person who is right for you.

Don’t waste her time and yours pretending to be into something you’re not just to keep her around. A lot of people do that, and end up with years of resentment accumulated from not feeling good about being true to their own needs.

She sounds like she’s into female domination and male sexual submission. If a life of being bossed around and obeying her commands doesn’t sound like a blast to you, make it clear to her now.

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E wrote: “Hello Liz, I’m 14 years old and I have a little penis and a ballbusting fetish.

1. My penis is 6 cm, how can I make it bigger?

2. I take everyday more than 40 powerful kicks to my nuts, is it over with my nuts?”

Liz says: Who on Earth is kicking a 14-year-old in the nuts every day? I hope you take my words very seriously: I consider this self-harming behavior that warrants a deeper look into your emotional and mental health.

Most people don’t even begin to experiment sexually in atypical ways until they’re well into adulthood. The fact that you’re this young and already hurting yourself sexually is concerning.

Please give your body a break and find someone you can trust to talk to, like a professional with experience treating teens. Depression is often linked to non-suicidal self-harm, so it’s possible there’s more going on with you that needs attention.

Click here to read about possible long-term damage to your testicles, and pay special attention to #3 on the list.

And forget about trying to artificially make your penis bigger; it’s not done growing (just like the rest of you). The average American male goes through puberty until 17-18 years old.

PS: Whomever is kicking you in the nuts needs to find someone trusting to talk to, as well.

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Everyday in the U.S. more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends. Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm when she wanted to break-up. Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.

For every 100,000 men, 1,352 were incarcerated in 2010. For every 100,000 women, only 126 were incarcerated.

What was that about women being more emotional than men? I didn’t hear you over the collective sound of men starting wars, bar fights, and committing other unsavory acts of power-seeking, revenge, and ego-protecting.

This myth that women are more emotional comes from that place that seeks to distract from the true source of the accusation. These men doth protest too much, me thinks.

“If I lead a campaign against pornography, no one will suspect I am a porn addict!” That place.
“If I yell about gays and their agenda, no one will suspect I’m gay!” That place.

In this case, it’s “If we accuse women of being too emotional, they will be too busy defending themselves to notice that we are, and if women believe they are innately inferior for positions of power, they won’t seek to fill those positions.”

People are forgetting that anger is an emotion. People forget that men are just as susceptible to feeling every emotion that women do, because emotions are what separate us from things like cardboard and pussy willows. We are all vulnerable to allowing our emotions get the best of us sometimes, but even a cursory glance at crime statistics and there’s no doubt which sex is “too emotional”.

Anger can be a powerful motivator for good or evil, but anyone who’s paid any attention to human history can see that it’s replete with examples of men’s emotions getting the best of them and abuse of power.

I love men. Pointing any of this out is in no way an indication of misandry. There are millions of good men in the world who treat all people with respect and love, who are emotionally evolved, who take care of their families and never break the law. But the older I get, the more I see that some stereotypes are not only false, it is the opposite that’s true.

During my dating years, I saw no evidence that men are less emotional. A few boyfriends were more than comfortable enough to shed tears in front of me, and sometimes during arguments I was the only one remaining calm and rational.

Related to the stereotype that women are more emotional is the PMS Excuse. Women have been just as guilty of perpetuating the belief that all women are inevitable basketcases once a month. For years, I thought I belonged to the minority of girls who didn’t suffer from Premenstrual Syndrome, because there’s this assumption that it comes with the territory of having a monthly uterine bloodbath. Then I did some reading and found it’s not as common as people think.

But don’t take my word for it. This is what Dr. Sikon, MD, a gynecologist at the Center For Specialized Women’s Health at Cleveland Clinic, has to say on the matter: “While it’s easy to assume that any bad mood that comes on right before your period is PMS, it isn’t as common as many women think. There are guidelines to define PMS, which consists of the recurrance of both physical and behavioral symptoms that interfere with some element of functioning during the second half of the menstrual cycle. Only 30% of women may have actual PMS. Only 3-8% have PMDD, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, the more severe form of PMS.”

That’s why it sounds totally absurd when someone seriously claims women shouldn’t be in leadership positions because they get PMS. If PMS was such a dangerous thing, those crime and prison statistics above would be more equal for men and women.

The first time I heard someone say (it might’ve been a woman) we can’t have a female president because “women are emotional and irrational”, I was floored that anyone could really believe that. That was probably over 20 years ago, and now we are on the cusp of possibly electing our first female POTUS. Does this mean attitudes have changed? Is America abandoning this stereotype?

Because of this stereotype, women often have to remain steely and almost robotic in their professional domains since any hint of feeling sadness or compassion will often quickly be used against them. They’re determined to be “too weak” for leadership positions, but when a man shows emotions it boosts his image as kinder, more mature.

There’s video of Bernie Sanders stepping away from his podium at a rally to allow BLM activists speak. Many people (including me) found it to be a humble gesture from a man who wants to serve the people and improve America’s race relations. But that video was quickly compared to another video of HRC telling a BLM activist to stop interrupting her while she spoke. It was used to make the argument that HRC isn’t for black Americans, that she doesn’t care what they have to say. I admit I bristled when I first watched that clip, and then I realized that she would’ve been criticized for being “weak” if she hadn’t stood her ground at the microphone, that allowing someone else to take over her spot (even if briefly) would probably have been used to declare her unfit for the presidency. As a woman, she has probably been fighting her whole life to prove she can handle any position a man can, and that means you don’t let people interrupt you if you want to be taken seriously.

Even a cursory glance at Donald Trump’s demeanor and behavior while speaking at his rallies and the debates shows a man who’s thin-skinned and emotionally immature. It’s time for this myth that females are less emotionally stable to die along with Trump’s political career.

Sources:

http://domesticviolencestatistics.org/domestic-violence-statistics

prisonpolicy.org

everydayhealth.com

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