The Naked Advice

with Model & Writer Liz LaPoint

A.L. wrote:I wanted to get your opinion on the current dating scene for young adults. I’m a 19-year-old straight guy and a university student. As you may know, that’s a time and a place full of partying, one-nighters, casual sex and whatnot.

Problem is, I’m more of a romantic person. Most parties don’t interest me at all, for a few different reasons. First, I don’t like any of the music and just the concept of most parties in general. Second, and most important, the idea of staying with a bunch of different girls in the same night just doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest. It wouldn’t mean anything, in my perspective. Kind of like an empty act, without any real feeling to it. (Sounds really romantic, I know.)

Okay, I’m not saying I’ll never do these things. “Never” is a pretty strong word, but for now, I do feel a bit lost for wanting a serious relationship while surrounded by people who, as a general rule, don’t want that at all. What I’d really want is being with someone I can call my girlfriend, and make happy, and just be together and have a good, fun, meaningful time.

I do have some dating experience, but with a long-distance relationship. That’s an entirely different and complex matter on its own, so I won’t elaborate on it here.

So do you think this is only my perception, or most people my age and in my social circles really don’t want a serious relationship? What should I focus on then?”

Liz says: Once upon a time, young adults were expected to get married as soon as possible. If you reached your late twenties unmarried, your parents started worrying you’d be alone for the rest of your life and the neighbors started gossiping that maybe you were a “pervert”. But thankfully times have changed. Most of us wised up and realized our parents and grandparents got married too young, and twenty-somethings decided to spend their time getting an education, beginning careers, and having fun instead of “settling down”.

Your twenties are a great time to date without the pressure of finding “The One”. This is the time to learn more about yourself: your turn-offs, your life goals, whether or not it’s a deal-breaker if your S.O. hates thrill rides and scary movies. This is the time to learn how to be in a relationship: how to be part of a couple, how to listen better, how to fight better, how to spot Red Flags in someone’s character. But still, too many people marry the person who should’ve just been a lesson. There’s a reason the divorce rate is highest among people who got married in their late teens or early twenties.

Then there are the people who go too far the opposite direction of our grandparent’s days, equating commitment with the death of fun and having indiscriminate sex with practical strangers every weekend. Partying without commitment can be fun for a while, but usually with maturity it begins to feel empty and pointless. What’s interesting is that you’re already there.

I think a lot of your peers are somewhere in the middle. They know they aren’t ready for anything serious, but are open to a commitment if the right person comes along while they’re living it up. They’re hooking up until they find someone that makes them stop and say ‘Wait a minute here…this person is different from the rest…’

Bottom line: You be you and don’t do anything you don’t want to. Focus on your life goals, job, hobbies, and education and someone good for you will come along. I bet there are girls your age out there saying the same things you are, and you won’t find them at those parties you don’t like going to.

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Steven wrote: “I had long fantasized about trying anal play (myself on the recieving end). I broached the subject to my wife of five years and she was extremely against trying this. Not wanting to push her but having trouble shaking the urge to try this, I opted to try it out alone. I mistakenly left out the toy and Vaseline. Upon seeing this, she told me that it is bad enough that I masturbate but I shouldn’t be “shoving things in my ass”, and told me not to do this again. Is this a reasonable thing to ask??”

Liz says: I find it noteworthy that you say you “mistakenly” left out the toy and lube. We’re not talking about your kid finding them in the living room, we’re talking about your wife, who’s presumably an adult with whom you share your most intimate secrets and life. You should not have to hide something so normal and healthy from her; there’s nothing wrong with married people masturbating.

Telling you not to anally masturbate is crossing a line. Being married doesn’t mean your partner now owns your body. Is this something you do often in place of initiating affection and/or sex with her? Is she feeling neglected by you? Even if these are true it doesn’t justify her demands, but it does mean you two need to have a serious and honest discussion with each other about what you both want and what needs to change.

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Bill wrote: “Have you heard from anyone with a Keds or Converse fetish? Would enjoy hearing your take on it in one of your YouTube pieces. And yes, I have a Keds and Converse fetish.”

Liz says: I have not heard before from anyone who specified brands like you have, but certainly from guys who specified which style of shoe they’re into. So I guess in your case, you like the laid-back, non-sporty sneaker style that Converse and Keds provide. Perhaps those are the shoes that were popular on girls when you were younger?

I’ve heard from several men with a foot fetish say they prefer flats on women, or high heels and boots (the guys that are more submissive and get turned on by dominant personalities seem to like what boots and heels symbolize), and some who said they love any shoe that shows her feet and toes the most. Is it about feet for you too, or are you really just into the shoes?

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PS: Sorry I couldn’t devote your letter to a video for my channel! I don’t make new videos anymore, but thank you for watching and writing me 😀

Frank wrote: “Do the giantess and foot fetish fantasies normally go hand in hand?”

Liz says: Yes and no. From what I’ve gathered from my studies and reading hundreds of viewer’s stories (written in the comments section of my foot fetish vids and my macrophilia vids), both have something in common: they’re about a masochistic desire to be submissive, to worship, to bow down to dominant women.

While most of the men with a thing for women’s feet (who comment on my channel and write me letters) don’t also share fantasies that include giantesses, many men who fantasize about giant women do express fantasizing about being crushed under the giantess’s feet or kissing her feet. So they don’t always go hand-in-hand equally.

There are many kinks and fetishes that often co-exist. Some men with a ball-busting fetish also have a foot fetish (they’re aroused by the dominant female’s feet kicking them) and some men who enjoy bondage also have a thing for leather. We could go on all day with examples, but every individual is different 😉

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B. W. wrote: “So sometimes, idk why, but I just can’t be on bottom, I can’t stay hard. Same with getting oral…. it’s pissed off some girlfriends. I’ve concluded it’s a control issue that forms randomly. I’m 6’8 so I don’t exactly fit with all people. But say I’m in control… rock hard! Especially of she’s flexible to compensate for size difference. But the minute I lay on my back, I’d say 30% of the time I can’t stay hard for her to ride. Unless she’s very active and skilled lol, same with getting head. If I lay down I just can’t stay hard for more than a few minutes before I almost get bored and have to grab her or make her sit on my face… like I have to be doing something almost or I’m not into it. And it’s odd because it’s not always like that. And it’s not like that with everyone, but enough for some girlfriends to feel hurt, like they failed.”

Liz says: It sounds to me like you’re just not into being a passive or submissive partner. Even though you mention it’s difficult for you to stay aroused about 30% of the time, that it happens often enough at all that you wonder what’s going on tells me that you should probably stick to doing what you know keeps you turned on, and it sounds like being in control is what does it for you.

Is it possible that because you’re so tall you have some concern about coming off as too aggressive, so you compensate by trying to be more laid-back in the bedroom? I know that being taller than the average person can cause some to bend over backward in an attempt to make up for seeming more intimidating or imposing. You know, the opposite of the Napoleon Complex.

Since you know yourself better through these experiences, it’s up to you to communicate what you like and don’t like with your girlfriends, and hopefully prevent any disappointed or hurt feelings. If you prefer being on top, just say it! For a personal example, I think the “69” position is terribly overrated and does absolutely nothing for me, so when a past boyfriend suggested we do it I communicated exactly why I don’t like it (before sex, not during). If he had tried it out during sex, instead of killing the mood by blurting out “This is bullshit and does nothing for me”, I would’ve simply said, “I don’t enjoy 69 but I do enjoy this…” Or I would’ve silently changed positions and then told him later what I thought of it.

In summary, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you, you just have to own what turns you on and stick with it!

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Tyler wrote: “I have a question. I am a 25 year old male and I have been with only 2-3 different women in my life. The current girlfriend I have been with for 4 years and I have a slight problem. I don’t know why but I am incapable of reaching orgasm while inside a woman. I don’t know why this is and I think it’s starting to ruin my current relationship. I am deeply concerned about this seeing as how I wanna propose to this girl, please help.”

Liz says: Since you stated that you’re incapable of reaching orgasm while inside “a woman”, meaning all of your partners, not just your current girlfriend, I suggest you get a thorough medical check-up. There could be several causes to identify, but it’s important to rule out medical reasons first by receiving an examination by a physician.

Once your doctor rules out medical reasons, you can delve into other possibilities. Depression (or anti-depressant medication), certain religious influences, past sexual abuse, and sexual fetishes can all play a role in affecting a man’s ability to maintain an erection or enjoy traditional sexual relations.

But there’s also another possibility that’s less “OMG what’s wrong with me?” Perhaps you’re simply too nervous and afraid of an unintended pregnancy or sexually-transmitted infections. Even wearing protection, sometimes concerns over very real consequences of sexual intercourse can keep you from thoroughly enjoying the act. Are you able to orgasm from receiving oral sex? Or mutual masturbation?

If you’re stressing about these things, try opening up to your girlfriend about your concerns. Have a real, honest discussion and hopefully you both would know where to take it from there. You mention you’ve been together 4 years, so I’m wondering how you’ve handled it all this time, but it’s never too late to start this conversation if you haven’t already.

To learn more about male anorgasmia, click here and here.

But please remember to get that medical exam!

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D wrote: “My girlfriend (of 4 years) and I just had our first child, a daughter, in December. Life as first time parents has been stressful as we never quite saw eye-to-eye on most things (opposites attract, I guess).

Last night, my girlfriend brought the topic of nudity at home, raising a child up. This surprised me because I’ve struggled with where I stand and my conflicting opinions/comfort on the topic.

We agree that, when executed properly, parents who raise children in a body positive “naked house” (as I’ve heard them referred to by people who’ve grown up in them) CAN produce mature, realistic, well adjusted, healthy kids. We’re just not sure of our own or each other’s boundaries. She is also concerned with having to explain her parenting to her family, friends or our child’s peers/other parents down the road.

We DO agree on when enough is enough as at some point our child will become uncomfortable and crave privacy. But we either disagree or are unsure of everything else. To be clear, we were *fairly* nude-friendly people before the baby but I don’t think anything out of the ordinary.

So, my question is: Do you have any pointers for brand new, first time parents who are open to raising kids in a nude-friendly home but aren’t totally sure of how to get on the same page & go about it?”

Liz says: It’s unclear to me whether you are referring to raising her in a home where you both rarely wear clothing (a “naked house”) or a home in which the nudity is more incidental (she walks in to see you in the buff while showering, changing clothes, etc.) Either way, there’s no evidence that raising kids in a home in which non-sexual nudity is the norm is damaging to them. On the contrary, I think it allows them to develop healthy attitudes toward their own bodies, shows them what their bodies will look like later in life, and allows them to “study” the differences between males and females.

My hubby and I have a 5 year old son, and we both discussed our attitudes and expectations on this very subject, too. Neither of us have ever hidden our bodies in shame if our son wandered into the bathroom or bedroom while we emerged from the shower or got dressed. We believe that to yell at him or hide our bodies would teach him the wrong thing and perverts a natural, normal state. To yell at your kids or hide your body reveals an inability to recognize nudity as a non-sexual state, it sends the message that nudity is shameful and to look at your parents while nude is an inherently sexual act–which it is not. Plus, we have to see him nude while changing his clothes and bathing him, and when we had to potty-train him, so allowing him to see us nude makes things even for him.

However, we don’t walk around nude while cooking or cleaning or watching movies with him. But that’s only because we aren’t comfortable with that personally, not because we think there’s something wrong with it. Our rule is that we will stop being nonchalantly nude around him as soon as he expresses discomfort with it. It’s all about balance and mutual respect, in my opinion.

Don’t worry too much about this, it sounds like you both have a good head on your shoulders and will figure out what feels right for your family. Speaking of family, tell your girlfriend not to worry about “having to explain” to hers why your kids aren’t ashamed of their bodies.

For further reading, I found this expert’s 5 rules informative and reasonable: Is It Okay To Be Naked In Front Of Your Kids?

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K wrote: “Me and my girlfriend are very young (I’m 21 and she’s 20) but we have been dating 5 years and we have already dabbled in a swinger-ish cuckold/hotwife relationship for about 2 years now.We both love it but now she wants to fuck my best friend (which is crazy hot to both of us) so how do I tell my bestfriend I want him to fuck my girlfriend and it not be weird? Lol”

Liz says: I imagine it would probably be easiest to bring it up to him next time you two are hanging out in a relaxed atmosphere and you can talk in relative privacy. Casually tell him that she wants to be with him for a night and you’re more than okay with it. Be forthcoming with your feelings and reasons and what you and your girlfriend want out of the experience. How he responds will tell you how to take it from there.

I don’t know how close you are to your best friend, but keep in mind the possible consequences. Humans produce a hormone called oxytocin when we have sex (and when we hug each other or share meals together) and it’s responsible for helping us feel connected emotionally to others. It’s one of the reasons we often fall in love with those we have sex with (even when we assume it will only be casual) so there’s a chance your girlfriend and/or her partners will develop a bond. The only reason it’s worth noting now is because you are involving a close friend. Many couples who enjoy non-monogamous relationships have a rule of only having this kind of fun with people they’re not close to or have other connections with (like co-workers, etc), to lessen the risk of emotional attachments. But with your best friend, whom I assume you and your girlfriend probably see on a regular basis, there’s a greater chance of repetitive hook-ups and resulting emotional attachments.

When you have that conversation with your buddy, keep these things in mind so if he shows interest you can go over rules and concerns. I’m guessing you’ve already done the same thing with your girlfriend but if not make sure you discuss this fully with her before even bringing it up to him.

Good luck!

Two Guys and A Girl

Liz: “I’m happy we connected over Twitter a couple of years ago! I enjoy reading your balanced, reasonable, experienced answers to the letters you receive on your website TheTaoOfIndifference.com

Demetrius: “Thanks Liz! I’m glad we connected on Twitter all those years back as well. I think you take a very balanced and reasonable approach to answering questions as well!”

Liz: “You live in Brooklyn, NY now. What’s the dating scene like there? Have you ever lived somewhere else, and was dating different there?”

D: “Well I think I’m at a bit of a disadvantage, or maybe it’s an advantage, when it comes to talking about dating scenes because I’m a lifelong New Yorker. I’ve lived here my whole life, and while I love to travel, I can’t picture living, or dating, anywhere else. When I say the Brooklyn dating scene is good, I can really only compare it to what I hear from other people and their experiences dating in other cities. I think Brooklyn, and New York City as a whole are great dating scenes primarily because they attract so many people that your dating pool will never get stagnant. I’ve met so many incredibly women from so many different walks of life, religions, ethnic groups, etc. that I honestly think I’m a little spoiled.”

Liz: “What is the ‘Tao of Indifference’?”

D: “So here’s a confession, the name of the blog originally comes from an inside joke amongst my friends. For years, way before I had an inkling of writing about dating and relationships, I developed a reputation amongst my friends of being pretty indifferent when it came to dating. Got rejected, no big deal. Girl broke up with me today, meet someone new later tonight. So when I decided to start the blog, I was brainstorming blog name ideas with a buddy of mine whose a marketing whiz. He came up with the name and the name stuck. To me, it’s all about having a little detachment from the things that are out of your control in dating and relationships, so that you can focus on the things you can affect. I think that’s what makes me successful in dating, and that’s what I want my readers and listeners to learn from me. Basically, “don’t sweat the small stuff”. You’re going to get rejected when you date, don’t focus on that, focus on finding someone who is a better fit for you.”

L: “You interviewed me last year on your podcast which was fun! Did you start the blog or the podcast first?”

D:It was fun, I thought you were a great guest and maybe the only one who I’ve spoken with at length about fetishes. I started the blog first, in January of 2013. Then the podcast in January of 2014. I would say that things really started picking up in 2015, because when I started I was just sort of winging it and learning as I went.”

L: “What’s the craziest date you went on?”

D: “Let’s go crazy good, and crazy bad, because I’ve been on a lot of different dates that turned out crazy in a lot of different ways. One of my craziest first dates, in a good way, was a date that lasted almost 12 hours. We met for drinks at around 7pm, started making out at that bar, then went to a wine bar after the first bar got crowded, started making out at that bar, then we went and got food at about 1am, THEN we took our food and did karaoke in a private room until 5am.

The absolute craziest bad date I went on, was a date where my date and I were mugged. It was a first date and we decided to hang out in a park to people watch and talk. By the time the sun had set, we were making out on a bench when someone approached us, got our attention, then said that he had a gun. We handed over what we had, left the park, went to her place and called the cops. It was more surreal than anything else.

Most of my dating life is way more mundane than these two dates, I promise.”

L: “What’s the weirdest or most interesting letter you received?”

D: “Honestly, most of the questions I get are fairly simple, and even the most interesting ones are really, at their core, fairly mundane. How soon is too soon to do something? Did I do something wrong? When should a certain dating or relationship milestone happen? Things like that.

The most interesting thing I’ve ever received on the blog, however, is a comment someone made on a post. I wrote about preferences in dating, around height, body type, race, religion, etc., and for context, the piece is about 1100 words. The person who commented left a 750 word comment on the piece where he said that the article was long-winded, and went on to essentially write fan-fiction about himself and how confident he was. At one point he used the the terms “naughty double advantage” and “naughty loophole”. It is truly bizarre and while I’ll never approve the comment, I can’t help but read it from time to time.”

L: “If you could go back to your teens knowing then what you know now, what would you do differently?”

D: Stop being so focused on having sex. I think that, like a lot of teenage boys, there was this vague societal pressure to have sex. I tried so hard to have sex early on, and tried to have as much sex as possible. I’d have been much better served if I had spent my teenage years trying to connect with women, rather than just trying to get in their pants.”

L: “What would you say is the biggest dating mistake men make and women make?”

D: “First, coming on way too strong too early on. Second, trying so hard to please people you don’t showcase your personality. Third, always looking for a better option. I think that will only become more and more true with the way people date online. I think that for the most part, these things are common between men and women.

My advice is this: if you feel like you come on too strong too soon, set boundaries for yourself that you stick to. That could be as simple as “I won’t text the next person I date 5 times a day if I have nothing to say”. If you’re trying too hard, it’s probably because you’re afraid of getting rejected, which is a bad idea. It’s always better to get rejected so you can find someone who likes the real you, rather than sticking around to be with someone who likes fake-you. Finally, if you’re going to date online, figure out the things you want and need in a relationship, what your dealbreakers are, and if you find someone who sounds like the person you described, take a leap of faith and give them an honest try.”

L: “Would you say it’s a good or bad idea to join dating websites that cater to something very specific, like religious affiliation or race?”

D: “I think that in some cases, it’s a bad idea to join niche dating sites, but in a lot of cases it’s not. It really all depends on how important your niche is to you. I love comic books, but I would never join a niche dating site that only caters to comic book fans. That said, if marrying someone who shares your faith is extremely important to you, it would make sense to sign up for a site or app that caters to your faith. The one thing to keep in mind is that most niche dating apps have very small user bases, so it might still be easier to find someone on larger dating sites.”

L: “Did you get any dating and relationship advice from your parents when you were younger?”

D: “My mother gave me a really good piece of dating advice when I was 9 years old. I had a crush on a girl in my class and I asked my mother what I should do. She told me to ask her out, to be myself, and if I get rejected remember that it’s not a big deal. It’s advice I give on a pretty regular basis.”

L: “Personally, what’s your biggest turn-off when you first date a woman?”

D: “Lack of confidence for sure. I don’t need a partner who is overly confident, I don’t need someone who is just irrationally confident at all times, but if a woman has no confidence in herself, it’s a big turn-off.”

L: “What would you love to see change in our culture regarding sexuality and relationships?”

D: “I would love to see more open, honest, and frank discussion about sexuality and relationships, from all walks of life. Just think of how infrequently you’ve heard about what sex is like after middle-age, compared to how much money is spent advertising erectile dysfunction medication to middle aged men. There are conversations around sex and relationships that are happening all the time, but I’d love to hear more diverse conversations.”

L: “We have a lot in common! Not only are we both in the business of relationship advice, but we are both of mixed race. Do you find being mixed presents its own challenges in relationships?”

D: “Haha yes! We’re two peas in a pod! I definitely think that being mixed, dating interracially, or just interculturally, presents it’s own challenges. Even in a best case scenario where you meet someone who doesn’t share your background, but is open to learning about you in an earnest way, there is still a certain amount of challenge there because you don’t share the same cultural shorthand, for lack of a better term. Sometimes it’s bigger stuff, and sometimes it’s as small as explaining to someone that I grew up singing Stevie Wonder’s Happy Birthday song on birthdays.

In my experience, if you’re dating someone who is open-minded, the challenges can be overcome. I’ve dated people from all races and ethnic groups, from all sorts of backgrounds, and each one comes with it’s own challenges but, and this might sound cheesy, but love conquers all.”

Follow Demetrius here:

Taoofindifference.com
Twitter.com/DemetriusSays
Facebook.com/Taoofindifference

demetrius

David wrote: “So there is this girl I really like. We went out once a long time ago (Dec 2015). We went out again recently and had a great time. I made the date romantic and there was a lot of flirting and she touched me on the arm and shoulder. We ended the night with a makeout session. Told me to text her when I got home. The next day we decided to make plans for the next weekend and to see a movie. She told me she’s independent and doesn’t want a fancy dinner. And wanted to either pay for Chickfila or the movie tickets and wanted to make plans for this weekend. We agreed. Well she went dark on me and I havent heard from her since Wednesday. And I haven’t been clingy or anything like that. And messaged her once on Friday to see if we are still on, still nothing from her side. I see she’s posting snapchats and looking at my stories. Idk if she’s into me or not anymore. She did say she was busy with school, applying for a new manager position and working/performing in a play. So she’s been busy. But she’s posting a ton of snapchats and it only takes 2.5 seconds to say Hi or whatever. Just confused because date went absolutely wonderful, made plans for a 2nd date and now she went dark. Help?”

Liz says: Ugh, that’s the worst! When you go out with someone and you’re feeling it and you feel like they’re feeling it and you make plans to see each other again and then NOTHING.

Ghosting/going dark/dropping off the face of the Earth or whatever euphemism you like to use, they all describe the same thing: when someone is too cowardly, insensitive, immature, and self-absorbed to be honest with someone about their lack of interest so they just stop all contact. It’s incredibly disrespectful because it leaves the other person wondering what happened and then they waste time trying to maintain contact when they could’ve just moved on had their date been clear with them.

You already know that there’s no excuse for her ghosting on you, David, which is why you acknowledge “it only takes 2.5 seconds to say Hi”. It’s not that she’s “busy”. No one is ever too busy for someone they’re into or for someone they are falling for.

Don’t get hung up on her behavior during your date, believe her actions since then. Sometimes people are very kind, flirtatious, even sexual on a date with someone they actually don’t see a future with, and their true feelings come forth with their behavior after the date ends. It’s confusing, for sure, but you just have to accept that she wasn’t that into you for whatever her personal reasons were. It’s important to note that she did something when she made second plans with you that’s a clue to how she really felt: when she insisted on paying for the movie tickets or your fast food meal, that was her communicating that she sees you as a friend, she was sending the message that it wouldn’t be “a date”.

If it hasn’t happened for you yet, it probably will. You’ll be out with someone you think is pretty or whatever and then she’ll say or do something that turns you off and makes you think there’s no future with her. But you’ll continue the date like everything’s great (and maybe even kiss her because you’re curious if there will be a spark) but decide the next day there’s no point in a second date. When this happens remember how you felt when this chick went dark on you so you know to be honest. A simple “You’re a lovely person but for some reason I’m not feeling the chemistry. I wish you well, and thanks for the chance to get to know you” would let the person know why you’re not making plans with them again and shows you respect them as a human being who’d probably prefer not to be left wondering what happened.

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