Ducky Asks: “The guy I like says he has a crush on someone else, but won’t ask her out because he doesn’t have the time and doesn’t think he stands a chance. Meanwhile, whenever I meet him (which is twice a week) he acts SUPER flirty and I do too. The day after we meet we text each other and it’s amazing. He says I’m the funniest person he knows, and flirts and it’s great but then there are random silences. He never starts conversation, and sometimes doesn’t reply to my texts too. I don’t like the silence, but there’s no discomfort when we meet.”
Liz Says: If he’s telling you he has a crush on someone else, believe him. His actions thus far are in line with that, but I can see how the flirtation would confuse you. The random silences, not replying to your texts, and never initiating contact are all what we do when we aren’t really attracted to someone romantically, but enjoy their company sometimes. The reason he flirts is because it makes him feel attractive and feeds his wounded ego (the wounded ego from thinking the one he really wants probably doesn’t want him).
Here’s what a guy does when he is attracted to a girl romantically and sexually: He puts her first, responding to her texts and initiating contact, because he can’t wait to talk to her and see her. He is especially likely to put insecurities aside to do these things when the girl is showing him she is interested in him, too (which you clearly do). In other words, consider the way you behave toward him–does his behavior match yours?
Anytime there’s mixed signals from a love interest, there’s deception going on. Whether that deception is simply not being honest in their desires or what they want, or outright lies, it’s the dishonesty that is confusing you. When you have romantic feelings, it’s easy to try to excuse their mixed messages with beliefs that protect your ego: ‘He’s probably just shy, that’s why he hasn’t asked me out yet’, or ‘He’s afraid to be hurt again, ever since his last girlfriend broke his heart.’ Here’s the ugly truth: none of these are legit. When someone is really attracted to someone, nothing gets in the way! They’re never “too busy” to return your call or get together, they don’t tell you they have the hots for someone else, and they don’t leave you hanging, wondering why they didn’t text you back.