New Frontier asks: “Hello, I am a 23 year old male who is living with my 24 year old girlfriend. We’ve been together for almost a year, but have known each other for neigh a decade and have been good friends. Throughout the relationship, she has told me that she wouldn’t mind if I had sex with another woman as long as she knows about it, she can watch, or if she can be involved. She has even mentioned the desire to add another woman to our relationship. I’ve never done anything like this before; I’m very open-minded, but this is foreign to me. Could this possibly mean she is feeling unsatisfied with our sex life? She has NEVER told me she is and currently tells me I am the best she has ever had. Just looking for some advise, and maybe some pointers for how to find a woman to ask about this and not come off as a creep.”
Liz says: Sounds to me like your girlfriend is suggesting having a more open relationship just to add more fun to your lives, not because she’s unsatisfied, especially since she’s never complained and tells you that you’re “the best she has ever had”. As long as you’re also into the idea, and not going along with it all because you fear losing her, you two can sit down together and create your own set of rules to follow and decide what exactly you both agree to experience.
Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) can be healthy in a relationship in which the participants commit to honesty and responsibility. Research shows that those who practice CNM are actually more likely (than people who cheat) to use birth control and STI protection and use them correctly, so the myth that they are more prone to spreading STIs is unfounded.
It’s crucial that you both always put each other first. It takes a certain level of maturity for this kind of sexual exploration to work, so make sure neither of you is prone to jealousy or manipulative, controlling behavior. But if you two can laugh easily together and genuinely enjoy being lovers, then do what you want! Two people in a committed relationship can create their own rules as to what makes them happy, as long as it’s legal, of course. You don’t mention if you have children, so it’s probably safe to assume you don’t, but if you do make sure to keep this part of your lives completely separate and hidden from them. Never bring strangers into your home and put the safety and security of your family unit first.
As far as how to find willing partners without coming off “creepy”, there’s probably a plethora of meet-up groups online where you can find like-minded couples locally, but another option is to let your girlfriend be the one who finds your partners. Since she’s the one who’s brought it up, she may already have someone in mind!