Elise asked: “Okay, so my boyfriend just left for basic training and we recently got back together after I just got out of a relationship. Before, we broke up because he was having commitment issues because we kind of rushed into a relationship after he got out of a three-year relationship, but after some time apart and me dating somebody else we realized that we really wanted to be together. My boyfriend used to restrict me from doing a lot of things, and one of those things was having a relationship with his mother, because his ex-girlfriend’s relationship with his mother became hectic and overbearing. But that was before so now I don’t really know what to do because he’s gone and he has no communication with his phone besides letters and I just want to know if I should text her because I have her number, I want to know if I should start building a relationship with her even though I don’t really have his permission and should I even have his permission anyways?”
Liz says: I’m not sure I understand why it’s so important for you to have a relationship with his mom independent of him. Do you think it will help you feel closer to him while he’s away? Or maybe you think it’s a good idea to have another line of communication open so you can hear how’s he doing? There’s nothing wrong with having a healthy relationship that develops naturally with her, but this feels a tad forced. I can appreciate, though, how much you must miss him.
I wish I could go into why he used to restrict you from doing “a lot of things” but I don’t know what those are or the context in which they were forbidden so I can’t say much about that. However, I will say that it might be reasonable for him to discourage you from having a close relationship with his mom if she (or you) has a tendency to create needless drama or something of that nature. Or maybe he finds life less stressful when his mom and girlfriend aren’t hanging out shopping and talking about that really embarrassing thing he did when he was 8.
I think it’s best you respect his wishes. Write him often and let him know how much you look forward to hearing from him. Get your mind off his mom and focus on developing a close relationship with him directly. 😉