Frustrated and Confused asks: “I’m a 26 year old woman who’s been seeing a guy for about a month now. He and I were set up by a mutual friend, because she told me he is newly single and “he’s on the Paleo diet, too!” While eating the same diet is hardly enough for a love match, I met up with him anyway to see if we had more in common.
I found myself quite smitten with him by the end of our first date, and he seemed to be into me too. Whenever we saw each other after that, he and I were so attracted to each other we couldn’t help the PDA. We made out like a couple of horny high schoolers everywhere we went, even though I’m not usually affectionate in public.
But something’s been nagging me: he never once has initiated making plans with me. Every date we’ve had since we met has been because I texted him first, or called him first. I get the impression he doesn’t miss me. He acts like he’s crazy about me when we are in the same room, but never shows an eagerness to be in the same room. It’s extremely confusing. I’ve started wondering how long we would go without seeing each other if I stopped making plans first.
Is he really into me but playing games? I don’t know how you could fake the kind of affection he shows me.”
Liz says: Your predicament is so similar to a situation I was in about 10 years ago, it’s scary. Even down to the reason we were set up: “You’re both vegetarians!” But the guy I was dating lived about an hour’s drive away from me, so we had the obstacle of distance. That’s what I told myself to excuse his lack of initiative, that maybe he’s just so busy with work and the traffic to and fro is such a bitch. Of course, that’s no excuse. When you’re really into someone, distance either wouldn’t matter or you’d do what you need to in order to make distance a non-issue.
Just like in your situation, he was all over me when we did see each other. I don’t know what’s going on with your guy, but let me tell you what it turned out to be with the dude I was seeing.
After confronting him about what the hell was going on, he opened up to me about how he was actually still heartbroken over his ex. His exact words were “I’m still madly in love with her”. He apologized for everything, then we broke up. As I was processing it all, I realized he was probably using me as a rebound, in the hopes that being with me would speed up his recovery. That’s why he was on me like white on rice when we were together, he was hoping that getting physical with someone else would distract him from his pain. It also explains why he didn’t ever try to make plans with me. He was missing her, not me.
This might be what’s going on with your guy too, since you mention he’s “newly single”. Or maybe none of this applies to him, and he is playing the classic “hard to get” game, by making you do all the work to see him. Or there’s a third possibility: he’s seeing another woman. I suggest you ask him what’s going on, and have your bullshit detector finely tuned when you listen to him. Remember, whenever someone’s actions don’t match their words, or their actions are very confusing, it’s because there is some deception or dishonesty going on.