M.C. asks: “I don’t know why but the last 4 girls I met online and asked out ghosted on me after the first date. I think I’m a pretty cool guy, I’m smart, have a great job, am reasonably good-looking. I’m not asking for much, I’m not picky, but I do expect to at least make it past the first date and not be completely blown off. The first girl was cool and I took her to a really nice place that we’d both said we’d been wanting to try. I thought we connected, but when I tried talking to her the next day she completely ignored my texts, like all day. I know she got them. I saw her active on Facebook so I know she wasn’t crazy busy. The next girl was laughing at all my jokes during our date, I kissed her at the end of the evening, and she said she would see me “next time”. As you know, “next time” never happened. The last two girls did pretty much the same thing, acting like I’m the funniest dude they’ve ever known but then totally blew me off. What the fuck?”
Liz says: Some people are just terrible communicators, and sometimes less-experienced daters just haven’t learned yet how to let someone down honestly, so they pretend they’re having the time of their lives and pretend they’ll see you again because they don’t have the strength to say to you directly that they’re not interested in dating you anymore. It’s a jerk move, for sure, because there are few things more disrespectful and mean-spirited than acting as if the person you just went on a date with suddenly doesn’t exist anymore. A complete and total ghosting on someone only makes sense if the date went so horribly and your date exhibited a scary personality disorder that you’re worried they will stalk you. Speaking of, you don’t have stalking tendencies, do you?
I only ask because the first thing that stood out to me is the part where you say you texted Girl #1 the next day and she “completely ignored my texts, like all day”. That’s texts, as in plural. Look, I’m not one to advise that texting her the next day was the mistake, because if two people hit it off, texting the next day isn’t a big deal. But where you may have gone wrong is in texting her more than once, even though she hadn’t replied to the first one. Texting once then waiting for a reply is reasonable, but if your texts looked anything like this you may have been too aggressive:
“Hey how’s your day going? I had a really great time last night” 1:12 pm
“Hey I hope you had fun too. Would love to see you again soon” 1:43 pm
“How about tonight after work? I can meet you for Happy Hour at Vern’s” 3:01 pm
“If tonight doesn’t work I understand. What about this weekend?” 3:56 pm
See how desperate and sad that looks?
The second thing that I noticed is that you mention your dates found you funny. That’s great, but if having a great sense of humor doesn’t also accompany sex appeal, that can put you in the dreaded Friend Zone. The zany, witty guy who can also dress nicely, exude strength and sex appeal without being pompous, and practices good hygiene will almost certainly NOT end up in the Friend Zone. The funny guy with bad breath, bad posture, and dripping with insecurity will almost certainly not get another date. I don’t get the impression that you’re super insecure, but I did note that you mentioned not being picky, which can sometimes be code for “I don’t know what I want yet”. Maybe you’re simply picking women who look attractive to you but not paying attention to what you may or may not have in common. Maybe it’s time for you to be pickier.
Which leads me to your online profiles. Is it possible that your dates wind up disappointed because you exaggerate or even lie about yourself in your profile? Do you claim your 6′ tall but are really 5’10”? Do you post outdated pics of yourself, so they expect you to be 15 lbs lighter? Sometimes people mistakenly believe they can lure someone in with misinformation, and that it won’t matter once they “get to know me”. If that’s what you’re doing, then you now know that it doesn’t work.
I hope I was able to give you some valuable insight. Good Luck!