“Allen” asked: “Until very recently, I was a 22 year old virgin, who is so painfully shy I can barely talk to women without getting flustered and nervous. I am in decent shape and not hideous, although a little nerdy. I recently met a girl in a coffee shop near my college who shared my love of comics and video games. During the course of several weeks we got to know each other. SHE asked ME out, and we ended up making love.
I am head over heels in love with this woman, but she shows little interest in another date with me.
I can accept this, but I really need to know if it was my inexperience that turned her off (she was not a virgin) or if I am not her type?
We seem so perfect for each other, and I am at a loss. I would love to see her again, even as friends, but she has been too busy and it has been over a month and she stopped coming to the coffee shop.
Should I just let it go, or is it ok to ask her what went wrong?
Liz says: It’s not only okay to ask her what went wrong, I recommend it. Rarely do we get honest feedback to grow from. Most often when something like this happens, we are simply left bereft, wondering why the “perfect” person dropped us like a moldy hot dog. Actually reaching out to ask is brave, and if she talks to you instead of ignoring you, her answers can help you move on. If you do talk to her, ensure her you need the truth, because she will probably feel the need to water it down or outright lie to avoid hurting your feelings.
But here’s the thing: if she does continue to ignore you, consciously decide you don’t need her answers to move on, and don’t ever reach out to her again. Don’t allow your broken heart to turn you into a stalker, for lack of a better term. This is super difficult when your mind is racing, trying to piece together a mystery, so it helps to focus on her flaws. It’s important to maintain perspective in these situations, to realize no one is “perfect”.
For example, ghosting on you is pretty fucked up, so keep in mind that she’s displaying a character flaw in not having the respect for you to simply tell you why she won’t be seeing you anymore (exceptions being coma, abduction, death, etc).
I don’t recommend trying to maintain a friendship with her. If she does talk to you again, don’t make friendship a goal. Let’s be real, trying to be friends is just a way for you to feel close to her again in the hopes she will fall for you. Being in the Friend Zone rarely results in romance in real life, but in RomComs it’s practically the norm. Ignore that bullshit. Since you say you’re “head over heels” for her, being friends will just prolong your heartache and you’ll be wasting time you could’ve been using to get over her and find someone new.
Good luck “Allen”!