LG86 wrote: “I am 30 years old and have been married to my wife for 6 years. We met at church and she is a “good girl”. I have a lot of fetishes that I am scared to tell her about out of fear of rejection. I don’t want her to think I’m weird because of what arouses me so I keep everything bottled up inside. Because of this, our sex is very vanilla and I don’t get into it. There are a lot of times where she wants sex and I make excuses to get out of it. What should I do!”
Liz says: You should open up and tell the “good girl” what you want!
You know her better than I do, but there’s a chance she’d like to try something new too. Bottling it all up does no one any favors. Your resentment will grow and lead to contempt for yourself and her. Keeping it inside cheats you (and possibly her) from years of happy experimentation.
Just don’t spring anything new on her by surprise. Talk it all out first. Now will be the time to discuss details and feelings and trust. You’ll know where to go from there based on that discussion.
This is one of the reasons I warn against getting married in your early 20s. Your 20s are a time of life experiences that lead to serious growth and change. A sexual compatibility needs to be cemented before marriage, as that’s one of the relationship aspects that separates it from a friendship. That doesn’t mean you have to like exactly all the same things, but that you should both go into marriage matching each other’s sexual openness, attitudes, and comfort levels. Someone sexually free-spirited is probably not going to be happy being married to someone easily disgusted or rigidly conformist (and vice versa).
But there’s a chance she’s changed too, and you’ll only know this if you open up and share your fantasies with her.
By the way, women who aren’t sexually vanilla and prudish are “good girls” too. 😉