“Are my husband’s kinks becoming addictions?”

“Jennifer” wrote: “Hi Liz. Thank you for your insightful website and Youtube channel. 🙂 My husband Euan and I have been married now for 3 and a bit years but have been together for close to 10. I’ve always known he has Asperger’s syndrome and various little kinks which I find cute. He has a childlike, innocent submissive quality which expresses itself in foot/shoe fetish, sensual spanking fetish, age regression, pegging and tease and denial.

Due to his shyness he still struggles with initiating affection due to him being bullied by being too affectionate when little. I use his kinks to get close to him and “punish” him when I have to initiate cuddles. I am very broody and unable to have children. Is my broodiness enabling a possible addiction? In a co-dependant way? He does have a good job in science, I notice he is very sexually frustrated by the time he gets home.

My concern is that, although I’m happy with my kinky husband, I notice his kinks are progressing. Instead of satisfying his slipper/flat shoe fetish with sniffing,touching and spanking I’ve found him with my very old squidgy ballet flats/flip flops up his bum instead of a toy and also is wanting his testicles kicked and not just tickled and rubbed with my slippered feet.Is there anyway of him slowing down his progression or would you say he has an addiction? Should we just spend time in each others arms and make love vanilla style now?”

Liz says: I asked psychotherapist Rob Peach for some professional insight on this one (click here to visit his website). He said:

“When I hear that Jennifer’s husband gets off on ‘teasing, denial, being punished, wanting his testicles kicked, degrading himself by sticking shoes up his bum’, my thought is that not only is he a bit kinky, but he’s also a bit masochistic and that he is getting off on all of these activities. So, it may not be an ‘escalation’ of his existing kinks, but him acting on his masochistic desires as well and that he may not be able to communicate this because he has Asperger’s Syndrome. I don’t think that it is an addiction. Perhaps he uses some of these sexual behaviours, particularly the masochistic desires, as a way to self soothe and cope with the difficulties he might experience as a result of Asperger’s syndrome. Switching to ‘vanilla’ lovemaking won’t help. Communication around this issue will.”

I agree with his enlightening take on this. It doesn’t sound like your husband is necessarily becoming addicted, but more like he’s showing you his more masochistic tendencies, and it’s complicated by your husband’s Asperger’s. (For anyone unfamiliar with Asperger’s Syndrome, click here to read about it.)

I say, continue having the sexual fun you enjoy with him, and just use good judgment and caution when it comes to any activity that involves pain (like the ball-busting). As far as your “broodiness” making him co-dependent, it’s possible but that is something that a good couple’s counseling session could determine.