B.F. wrote: “Ran across your videos and figured I should write you for advice. My wife and I tried cuckolding starting back in 2006. She had started working and mentioned to me that she had been hit on and to my surprise, I liked it. She mentioned she liked the attention. Long story short, she has been with three lovers since 2006. The play wasn’t very often. We even did chastity play. I was really into this lifestyle, but it turns out that she isn’t into it any longer. I’m not exactly certain why, or if she ever liked it….she says she did it for fun at first and then to entertain me/keep me near the end. She feared I wouldn’t want to stay in the relationship if she didn’t do it. So, here we are, years later and I am so fascinated by cuckolding, chastity, strapon, etc….and she now has no interest with any of it. It even brought up the topic of us potentially going different ways. Sigh. While I love her, here I am wondering about life being short, and what should I pursue???? Am I settling if I stay in this current relationship. Would there be a better fit for me who embraced these things?”
Liz says: This is tough because on one hand, she will resent you (if she doesn’t already) for wanting her to participate in sexual activities she has no interest in continuing, and on the other hand you will resent her (if you don’t already) for preventing a lifestyle you enjoy that requires her participation. She probably feels like you should just appreciate that she gave it the old college try (hell, 3 lovers over 10 years is more than many other wives would’ve done!), and you probably feel like you’re being deprived of the kind of fun you really want to have (like you said, life is short!).
Incompatibility in bedroom desires is different from incompatible hobbies. If your wife loves mountain climbing and you don’t, she can simply climb with her friends. If you love mountain biking and she doesn’t, you can go biking with your friends while she climbs.
But when Person A in a relationship enjoys sexual activities that Person B doesn’t, we still expect Person A to stay loyal and not enjoy said activities with anyone else, for understandable reasons. No one will get pregnant or catch an STI going mountain biking with someone other than their spouse (although the risk of falling in love with someone else is present). This makes differing sexual desires a special issue in committed relationships.
If you two truly love each other and can still see a future together, then discuss things further with this understanding: you two get to decide what kind of marriage you want, not friends, not parents, not society. If you both decide to compromise by having an open marriage, for example, it’s no one else’s business. You probably already know this, but it’s possible that shame or concern about what others might think if they found out could be playing a role in your wife’s desire to stop.
But if she makes it clear she never wants to participate in cuckolding you again in any way, her wishes deserve to be respected. Try to put yourself in her shoes: how would you feel if you tried something that doesn’t turn you on (or even repulses you) just to make your wife happy but she felt like your quitting was depriving her?
I hope you two can work this out. Good luck, cuck 😉