A.B. wrote: “I am at a loss when it comes to my boyfriend and I. I don’t even know where to begin. For being a relationship that has only been together for a little over a year we have had our fair share of struggles and disagreements. The one thing I can say is there has been nothing normal about our relationship. We have been through a lot since day one. Since day one my boyfriend has had to be my rock cuz I lost my aunt, plus we both had school, and then he went out of state for 4 months for his police academy. From my point of view the problem is that I am just not feeling like he is not as serious in our relationship as I am, and that he just doesn’t seem to understand that the little things matter.
We have been talking about this for a few days now and then I get this today: “I’m honestly not as happy as when we first dated. It seems like everyday brings a new challenge and then we fight. We fight a lot. So much that even your family jokes saying ‘they fight like a married couple.’ That’s not good. As far as a future goes, if I were to go from right now where we are currently at, I don’t see a future. I feel like I’m just not fully committed like you said. Idk what is wrong with me. I’ve just been in a funk and I feel terrible because you deserve so much better than me. I literally feel like such a piece of shit. You deserve to be treated like the queen you are. I feel like I can’t meet the expectations you want. I do love you.” –that’s his view point.
I don’t know where to even go with all this…I don’t know how to fix it. I try to take little steps forward in our relationship and he seems to just push us back. I really hope you can help and can give me some good advice. I am truly caught between a rock and a hard place cuz I know I’m gonna break my heart in losing him and I know he truly cares for me and loves me and is just stubborn.”
Liz says: All you need to know is in these words your boyfriend wrote: “I don’t see a future”.
When you’re with the wrong person for you, or one of you is not ready to be in a committed relationship, it’s a constant struggle. You’re two puzzle pieces that don’t fit, but you want to “make it work” so you try and try but really, it gets to a point when you both realize you’re just not meant to fit together. You realize that instead of forcing these two pieces together, you could be spending that time finding the piece that fits you.
Sometimes, one of you figures it out before the other one does. I hate to say it, but it appears that your boyfriend is the one to figure this out already. He’s telling you he can’t (or won’t) meet your expectations, that he’s not fully committed, and he’s not going to be the one who “treats you like the queen you are”.
It’s not that two compatible people never fight, but the fighting isn’t usually over fundamental differences in personality, life goals, or values. I was in a relationship with a man for 3 years once, and we fought constantly. At the time, in my naivete, I thought, ‘Well, all couples fight.’ I finally figured out that we were simply incompatible and that it wasn’t healthy to fight that often.
When you meet a puzzle piece who fits you, someone with whom you share values, interests, goals, energy levels, sexuality, backgrounds, and personality traits, you’ll feel more relaxed and free to be yourself. You’ll look back on all the time with exes that you spent trying to “make it work” and realize what was missing. When I met my husband, it was like ‘Finally!’ We felt right together almost instantly, and it’s 6 years later and we still feel right.
The little things do matter, but he will naturally be inspired to do the little things when he’s mature enough to be in a relationship and he’s with the right woman for him. You don’t want to be with someone who needs to be nudged into showing his feelings with romantic gestures, you want someone who’s so blown away by how wonderful you are that he’s inspired by love to show them!
Trust me, don’t ever settle for someone you have to talk into:
- showing you affection
- claiming you as a girlfriend or boyfriend
- living together
- marrying you
- staying faithful to you
- treating you respectfully and lovingly
When the right guy comes along, he’ll be jumping out of his boots to do the things on that list!