Curious wrote: “So recently I’ve been discovering my sexuality and I think I’ve found my answer. I believe I am bisexual but I have a preference for men. I would not turn down a female if she was someone I was interested in for the right reasons. I feel comfortable in my identity it’s just there seems to be so many misconceptions about bisexual people that I’m afraid to tell anyone, particularly the person I’m with (who is a male) about my new revelation.
I guess my questions are, is there such a thing as being bisexual with a preference towards one gender? And should I tell my partner of my new sexuality? Thank you.”
Liz says: Who could blame you for worrying about misconceptions when saying you’re bisexual is often assumed to be code for promiscuous and commitment-phobic or really gay but taking baby steps to come out of the closet? If you’re female, then people think you’re just saying that to turn guys on and if you’re male you must’ve been sexually abused so now you’re “confused”. How frustrating!
I will admit I used to be guilty of believing that girls said it for attention (we’ve all seen our share of straight chicks making out at the bar in a drunken stupor while the men salivate) and gay guys used the label bisexual at first because it felt “safer”. While these situations undoubtedly exist, to assume this is the case with every person who says they’re attracted to both sexes is ignorant.
I believe most heterosexual people are bi-curious. We go through a phase where we wonder what it would be like to kiss the same sex. I’m sure some lesbian women and gay men also wonder what it would be like to make out with the sex that society expects them to be attracted to. Some of us experiment and some of us repress those thoughts and forget about it. This is all normal.
Now on to your questions: Yes, there is such a thing as preferring one gender over the other! Many people are more sexually attracted to one sex, and more romantically attracted to the other. I’ve also read about people who only date the other sex and have only had committed relationships with them, but enjoy occasionally sleeping with the same sex. This in no way proves that people who identify as bisexual can’t commit in relationships. They are no more likely to cheat than heterosexuals or homosexuals or asexuals or foot fetishists or furries or people who want to marry their refrigerators.
As far as telling your current partner, why not? It’s not something you should feel you need to hide from someone you’re intimate with. If you’re concerned that he believes all of the above myths, just educate him. If he can’t hang with knowing this tidbit about you, then you know sooner than later not to waste any more time with him.