John wrote: “I am drawn to the lifestyle of a female-led relationship. Men who love their wives and work hard everyday so that their wives do not need to have jobs. When they come home from work, they cook and clean. Although they make the money and pay the bills, the excess money is controlled by the wife and her permission is needed before he goes and spends more than what she budgets for him. Lastly, he is faithful and devoted to her at all times, but it is agreed that she is free to pursue her sexuality, even if that involves dating or sleeping with other men. To me there is a level of happiness, both psychologically and sexually, obtained by putting your wife above yourself. To others, it looks like a life of double standards and taking abuse that makes you look weak. Any thoughts?”
Liz says: The relationship you’re describing is a cross between Financial Domination and Cuckolding, except in your case it’s your wife who is your Domme, not some chick on the internet. Many men like you settle into regular relationships but cheat on their partner by developing an online sub-Domme relationship, but that’s not what you want! You want your actual partner to be dominant.
Have you done some introspection to discover why you desire this type of relationship? Imagine the genders reversed, what would you think of a woman who wanted her man to treat her this way? Historically, this is exactly the life women were expected to live, so is there something about the role reversal that atones for how men used to treat women?
Whatever the genders involved, what you’re describing is eroticized abuse.
In typical S&M relationships, the sexual activities (the “eroticized abuse”) are just fantasies played out occasionally, and the participants often have healthy partnerships in everyday life. But what you want is round-the-clock abuse, and that is more concerning.
There is nothing healthy about wanting to be the child in a relationship. Being controlled, having to ask for money even though you’ve earned it, being okay with her dating/sleeping with others makes you the child in this and her the “mom”.
I believe for your desires to be healthy there needs to be balance. If female domination is a huge turn-on for you, partner up with a woman who has a dominant personality so that you can role-play on occasion. But living daily the way you describe above isn’t healthy and I can’t condone it. Just because you say it makes you happy, doesn’t mean it’s healthy. There are a hundred other things we could list that people would say makes them happy but are terrible for all sorts of reasons.
I’m not saying you should feel ashamed, just that you could do yourself a lot of good digging deeper into why an abusive relationship became an arousing desire for you.