Thomas wrote: “I lost my virginity a little more than 2 years ago and hadn’t had sex since, until last week I had sex with a girl and I feel I performed poorly. I however feel a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. Ya see, both of these times I really wasn’t in a relationship so I feel like this is less meaningful for me. Should I feel good that I ended a dry streak? Or shame cause I don’t feel any closer to what I want.”
Liz says: Neither, although it’s really not up to me (or anyone else) to tell you how you “should” feel. I say neither, though, because I understand why you don’t feel good about the last time you had sex, but encouraging you to feel ashamed of it would be ridiculous and shame is not usually an emotional response that leads to anything healthy.
As far as you believing you performed poorly, you probably did and that’s okay! No one is great in the bedroom at first! Every single one of us can look back on our first few times and recognize mistakes we made or what was missing. Especially with guys, who oftentimes are so nervous with anticipation that it affects their ability to stay erect. In other words, you’re normal!
It sounds like you know what you want: a loving relationship. That’s great! I encourage you to look at your first experiences with sex as learning lessons that will help you be better in bed with your future mate. Sex, like most things, is something you improve upon with experience, not something some people are just talented in right off the bat. However, I’m not suggesting you sleep around to gain more experience (since casual sex clearly does not make you happy), just that you look at the experience you’ve already gained with a positive attitude. Once you’ve found someone, you can learn even more in the security of a loving relationship.
I understand why you felt relieved to no longer belong to the V Club. Sex is a big deal, and when we finally experience it we’re not wondering anymore what it’s like or worried our peers will make fun of us. Especially for guys, I imagine it can feel like the weight of the world on your shoulders!