The Naked Advice

Model & Writer Liz LaPoint answers your questions about dating, sex, and relationships

Thomas wrote: “I lost my virginity a little more than 2 years ago and hadn’t had sex since, until last week I had sex with a girl and I feel I performed poorly. I however feel a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. Ya see, both of these times I really wasn’t in a relationship so I feel like this is less meaningful for me. Should I feel good that I ended a dry streak? Or shame cause I don’t feel any closer to what I want.”

Liz says: Neither, although it’s really not up to me (or anyone else) to tell you how you “should” feel. I say neither, though, because I understand why you don’t feel good about the last time you had sex, but encouraging you to feel ashamed of it would be ridiculous and shame is not usually an emotional response that leads to anything healthy.

As far as you believing you performed poorly, you probably did and that’s okay! No one is great in the bedroom at first! Every single one of us can look back on our first few times and recognize mistakes we made or what was missing. Especially with guys, who oftentimes are so nervous with anticipation that it affects their ability to stay erect. In other words, you’re normal!

It sounds like you know what you want: a loving relationship. That’s great! I encourage you to look at your first experiences with sex as learning lessons that will help you be better in bed with your future mate. Sex, like most things, is something you improve upon with experience, not something some people are just talented in right off the bat. However, I’m not suggesting you sleep around to gain more experience (since casual sex clearly does not make you happy), just that you look at the experience you’ve already gained with a positive attitude. Once you’ve found someone, you can learn even more in the security of a loving relationship.

I understand why you felt relieved to no longer belong to the V Club. Sex is a big deal, and when we finally experience it we’re not wondering anymore what it’s like or worried our peers will make fun of us. Especially for guys, I imagine it can feel like the weight of the world on your shoulders!







2 thoughts on “He Feels a “Huge Burden” Lifted Off His Shoulders

  1. Coyote from Orion says:

    Like when I hear a bloke say he’s been friend zoned…. I have to say maybe you didn’t actually like her and she’s been diplomatic enough to tell you before you find out and make it worse for her. If you don’t like women there heaps of high paying professions out there for you

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Coyote from Orion says:

    Good on you for seeking what makes you happy. It is nobodies business what you do or when if you aren’t breaking any laws. Sex with a loving and willing partner is the most natural thing in the world. It is a shame that we get such awkward messages about it and sometimes bad role models. It is a shame so many people make a living now from speculation of other people’s sexual lives. It seems their is more evidence of their own perversion and predatory stalking than there ever will be of many of the poor bastards they put in jail. Exploitation is always an issue when people enjoy something and there will always be capitalists from both the right and left waiting to cash in.
    I would love a mate whom I relate to. Sex is not that important to me mainly because I was interfered with as a young adult in the mental health system. I got a cat 14 years ago and it has never lied to me. It also says simply if it is happy or is not. Wearing fur is not politically correct these days anyway.
    The girlfriends I am lucky enough to love know the real me and have supported me through much. That friendship and being reliable within it is perfect.

    Liked by 1 person

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