Tom wrote: “I have this fantasy and I wonder if it is wrong or perverted? I have joined a few MILF sites and I see these incredibly sexy older women in their 40s and 50s having sex for the very first time on film with young black men. It gets me very aroused and I fantasize that she is my mother. I’m 18 and she is divorced and single. She always has on short skirts, nylons, and high heels that show off her amazing legs. One day she catches me masturbating to her video. I’m very embarrassed but aroused more than ever. I can see she is embarrassed as well so I beg to have sex with her just one time and after we can pretend it never happened.”
Liz says: Is your fantasy “wrong or perverted”? Maybe, but what matters is actual behavior in real life. Sexual fantasies can be “wrong” but as long as they stay fantasies we are okay. I’m aware that for many, repeated fantasizing can strengthen their desire to act out their fantasies, but there’s nothing in this particular scenario that suggests you would commit a crime or actually try to have sex with your mother.
But to get a second opinion on this somewhat delicate matter, I consulted psychotherapist Rob Peach (sextherapytoronto.org). Here is what he had to say, Tom: “We call our fantasies ‘fantasy’, for a reason… they are thoughts, desires and ideas that exist in our imaginations. Not everything we think or feel is a reflection of desires we intend to, or would be comfortable to, experience in real life. Some fantasies, like the incest themed ones your writer describes, can bring about confusion and guilt when they are inconsistent with one’s own and societal values. However, fantasies are highly subjective, changeable and nuanced and, therefore, not accurate measures of self worth or personal integrity, nor are they predictive of our behaviours.”
So there you have it, Tom. I would like to add that the very fact that you wrote showing concern about this sexual fantasy shows you’re probably not cuckoo for cocoa puffs. 😉