David wrote: “So there is this girl I really like. We went out once a long time ago (Dec 2015). We went out again recently and had a great time. I made the date romantic and there was a lot of flirting and she touched me on the arm and shoulder. We ended the night with a makeout session. Told me to text her when I got home. The next day we decided to make plans for the next weekend and to see a movie. She told me she’s independent and doesn’t want a fancy dinner. And wanted to either pay for Chickfila or the movie tickets and wanted to make plans for this weekend. We agreed. Well she went dark on me and I havent heard from her since Wednesday. And I haven’t been clingy or anything like that. And messaged her once on Friday to see if we are still on, still nothing from her side. I see she’s posting snapchats and looking at my stories. Idk if she’s into me or not anymore. She did say she was busy with school, applying for a new manager position and working/performing in a play. So she’s been busy. But she’s posting a ton of snapchats and it only takes 2.5 seconds to say Hi or whatever. Just confused because date went absolutely wonderful, made plans for a 2nd date and now she went dark. Help?”
Liz says: Ugh, that’s the worst! When you go out with someone and you’re feeling it and you feel like they’re feeling it and you make plans to see each other again and then NOTHING.
Ghosting/going dark/dropping off the face of the Earth or whatever euphemism you like to use, they all describe the same thing: when someone is too cowardly, insensitive, immature, and self-absorbed to be honest with someone about their lack of interest so they just stop all contact. It’s incredibly disrespectful because it leaves the other person wondering what happened and then they waste time trying to maintain contact when they could’ve just moved on had their date been clear with them.
You already know that there’s no excuse for her ghosting on you, David, which is why you acknowledge “it only takes 2.5 seconds to say Hi”. It’s not that she’s “busy”. No one is ever too busy for someone they’re into or for someone they are falling for.
Don’t get hung up on her behavior during your date, believe her actions since then. Sometimes people are very kind, flirtatious, even sexual on a date with someone they actually don’t see a future with, and their true feelings come forth with their behavior after the date ends. It’s confusing, for sure, but you just have to accept that she wasn’t that into you for whatever her personal reasons were. It’s important to note that she did something when she made second plans with you that’s a clue to how she really felt: when she insisted on paying for the movie tickets or your fast food meal, that was her communicating that she sees you as a friend, she was sending the message that it wouldn’t be “a date”.
If it hasn’t happened for you yet, it probably will. You’ll be out with someone you think is pretty or whatever and then she’ll say or do something that turns you off and makes you think there’s no future with her. But you’ll continue the date like everything’s great (and maybe even kiss her because you’re curious if there will be a spark) but decide the next day there’s no point in a second date. When this happens remember how you felt when this chick went dark on you so you know to be honest. A simple “You’re a lovely person but for some reason I’m not feeling the chemistry. I wish you well, and thanks for the chance to get to know you” would let the person know why you’re not making plans with them again and shows you respect them as a human being who’d probably prefer not to be left wondering what happened.