The Naked Advice

Model & Writer Liz LaPoint answers your questions about dating, sex, and relationships

Steven wrote: “I had long fantasized about trying anal play (myself on the recieving end). I broached the subject to my wife of five years and she was extremely against trying this. Not wanting to push her but having trouble shaking the urge to try this, I opted to try it out alone. I mistakenly left out the toy and Vaseline. Upon seeing this, she told me that it is bad enough that I masturbate but I shouldn’t be “shoving things in my ass”, and told me not to do this again. Is this a reasonable thing to ask??”

Liz says: I find it noteworthy that you say you “mistakenly” left out the toy and lube. We’re not talking about your kid finding them in the living room, we’re talking about your wife, who’s presumably an adult with whom you share your most intimate secrets and life. You should not have to hide something so normal and healthy from her; there’s nothing wrong with married people masturbating.

Telling you not to anally masturbate is crossing a line. Being married doesn’t mean your partner now owns your body. Is this something you do often in place of initiating affection and/or sex with her? Is she feeling neglected by you? Even if these are true it doesn’t justify her demands, but it does mean you two need to have a serious and honest discussion with each other about what you both want and what needs to change.

Couples-holding-hands

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6 thoughts on “His Wife Was “Extremely Against” Trying Something New

  1. Steven says:

    Asker here, thank you for the response! No, I do not do this in place of initiating sex or affection towards her. This is something I will only do occasionally (masturbating in general, anal masturbation I only tried that once, it was incredible, for the record). I am very affectionate towards her. We have a wonderful emotional connection and very trusting relationship/line of communication but sexually we just…don’t seem to click. We didn’t have sex before marriage, and what I’ve found is that she is very “vanilla”, I don’t consider myself super kinky but i have asked about things like mutual masturbation, anal play on her, watching porn together, me tying her up and pleasuring her and none seemed to interest her in the slightest. I’ve plainly asked her about things she is interested in trying or that I can do for her and she insists there is nothing. It’s come to where I feel embarrassed to request anything other then missionary piv sex. I’very learned to live as there as sex isn’t everything… but it’s something (lol).

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Did you both save yourselves for marriage because of religious influences? She might need some counseling (from a professional, not a church leader) to undo some of the unhealthy messages she received about her body and sexuality. That said, it’s okay if she’s not into some of the things you are. Even in the best matches, there can be a couple of incompatibilities that don’t matter to the couple’s overall happiness. But she might have some hang-ups that prevent her from being more openminded, or she might believe some myths that need to be cleared up (for example, maybe she thinks your interest in anal masturbation/pegging is a sign you’re gay).

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Steven says:

        Thanks again for responding, very little (aka zero) resources for me to discuss this kind of thing. Yes, it was for religious reasons (jewish) but I don’t think that’s the thing. She was raised in a secular environment and her family is very liberal and she is pretty secure and confident (which sort of balances my being generally super self conscious), she actually at one point was seeing a therapist about general emotional struggles (until i couldn’t afford to pay for it it) and they actually discussed the anal play issue and she told me how her therapist assured her that there is a physical pleasure derived from anal play and it in no way makes any indications about my sexuality, which at first she did question when i brought this up. Regarding anal play it seems to be pretty visceral for her, giving and recieving. I really cant explain her general close mindedness to expermenting in the bedroom, especially when this really doesn’t affect her. In fact at one point i asked how she fekt about me wearing a butt plug whike i fuck her and her and she said “no”That’s why I thought taking this matter into my own hands seemed pretty reasonable and was hurt and surprised by her reaction. Especially when I would do anything for her pleasure barring including other men, feces, or something dangerous.aka I go down on her often which she loves but will not do for me except on my birthday.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Coyote from Orion says:

    I have to wonder….. if I were married and my wife told me not to do that again…. would it actually make doing it again imminent? Did she explain in detail what she will do when you do it again??? šŸ˜‰šŸ˜‡
    So many choose masturbation over these days. We have such great sex until we have to start dating and proving how important we are in a capitalist society. And she’s buying the stairway…. to heaven. šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You bring up a good point on how unreasonable demands can backfire, making it more enticing

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Coyote from Orion says:

        I don’t understand a lot sometimes it seems Liz. I am grateful for the fantastic women who are in my life and are good to me. I went through too much and I lost those close to me when we were really just starting in life. Sex hasn’t been so important to me. Love and intimacy is though. Sometimes it is just feeling safe and credible. My cat is funny because she taught me if you don’t like something you don’t have to accept and no one can stop you standing up for yourself. My cat does this year in year out on about $5 a week. Politicians take note because the sleeps and eats all day too.

        Liked by 1 person

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