The Naked Advice

Model & Writer Liz LaPoint answers your questions about dating, sex, and relationships

Max wrote: “I’ve had an issue recently where no matter what I read or what I’m told, I find it hard to get past some really toxic and depressing ideas. I don’t feel very attractive, so I feel like to be with a woman I would constantly have to prove that I’m good enough to be with them, worry about finishing early or not measuring up, and so on. Not directly, but if I leave them unsatisfied for too long they’re going to hurt me. Or if they think I can satisfy them then they’re kidding themselves and who knows what could happen if some stud comes along (wish I was one) and steals them away. Basically I feel pretty inadequate, and I’ve read some porn that joked (I think) about more attractive guys stealing other guy’s girls, and it’s hard for me to not believe it. How can I feel more confident and get those kinds of ideas out of my head? Whenever I read statistics about cheating or women not getting enough orgasms I feel like if anyone is inadequate, it’s me, and maybe those things I heard are true. It’s making me feel like I’m not really capable of being sexual, I have to worry about someone better coming along, and anyone being intimate with me is a favor that comes with a lot of anxiety.”

Liz wrote: For starters, stop reading that kind of porn. I suspect you get off on feeling humiliated or inadequate, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading about women cheating with “more attractive” men. Are you conflicted because what turns you on also makes you feel bad about yourself in general? If so, separate your actual identity from the “cuck” identity of what arouses you. What turns you on doesn’t have to be who you are in real life. Many powerful CEO types are privately submissive in the bedroom. Get what I’m saying? But if this isn’t the case and what you happened to come across is emphasizing your insecurities, I have some advice for that, too.

Here’s the healthy way to deal with feeling inadequate or unattractive: take the necessary steps forward to improving yourself. We ALL feel this way sometimes, but some of us make changes and others stay stagnant. Don’t be that guy who doesn’t evolve. That means study proper nutrition and eat better if you feel unsexy carrying some extra pounds. Join some social groups that meet in real life to make new friends and practice conversational skills if you are socially inept or feel lonely. Join a smoking cessation group or other help group to quit bad habits you might have. Once you feel personally empowered by all the positive changes and your new life, you will more easily make new friends and meet women. People are attracted to people who have passions and live a busy, positive life. Sitting around dwelling on your fears does you no good.

Speaking of your fears, they’re all understandable and most of us have them when we start dating, too. But you can’t live your life allowing these kinds of fears to keep you from really living! Half of the things you fear may never even happen. What if we all did what you’re doing? Nothing would get done, no risks would be taken, nothing would have evolved in our society. “What if I open my business and XYZ happens?!” We could use our fears of possible results to keep us from doing *everything*. But life is full of risks and often there are positive outcomes instead of negative. The only way to find out is to take the risk.

And what are the worst-case scenarios of your relationship and dating fears? That your mate leaves you for someone else? That’s a risk for *everyone* in a relationship. It doesn’t matter if you’re wealthy, attractive, loving, and intelligent, it could happen. And you know what happens if your significant other decides they want someone else? You deal with your emotions in a healthy way, you brush yourself off, and you move on. In other words, we’ve all had to deal with heartbreak on some level but grieving and healing make you an emotionally resilient, mature adult. You learn your lessons and you make yourself better. It doesn’t destroy you or your worth. You love yourself and make changes if need be, and you move on.

All any of us can ever do is try to be the best version of ourselves! Stop comparing yourself to others to the point that it hurts your self-esteem. It’s okay to be inspired by someone else’s admirable qualities/skills and use that inspiration to make improvements, it’s not okay to say to yourself “I could never be that hot/smart/funny/etc, I’m a loser”. Focus on your positive qualities and love yourself, and accept that some women are not going to appreciate you and some are, that’s what we all have to deal with when dating.

Replace those mental images of your woman leaving you for another dude with images of you laughing together, learning together, experiencing life together!

And let me leave you with some sex tips: when you’re with a woman, ask her what she likes and do your best to be attentive. And remember practice! No one is perfect at first, we all had to start somewhere and it’s only through experience we improve.

silhouettes holding hands sunset

 

 

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7 thoughts on “He Can’t Get Past ‘Toxic and Depressing Ideas’

  1. Leo says:

    Do you have any advice for guys who have seen what some of the new porn stars are packing and their charisma and feel like they can’t live up to that and feel subconsciously bad about that?

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    1. Yes, stop comparing yourself to porn stars and focus on being the best version of yourself you can be! Stop watching porn for a while if you have to, just like girls with eating disorders should stop looking at fashion magazines and comparing themselves to supermodels.

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      1. Leo says:

        Do you know any resources for dealing with porn addiction?

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      2. You should see a sex positive licensed mental health professional about your concerns before you diagnose yourself, someone who isn’t anti-porn (meaning unbiased) and who can guide you on a long-term basis.

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      3. Leo says:

        What if getting professional help is not really within our means at the moment. Do you know any resources outside of the professional sphere that could help?

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  2. Max says:

    That’s certainly not who I am in the bedroom, so thank you for the advice. I might get professional help to deal with my feelings of inadequacy. I had always thought insecurities were about really minor things but this really stresses me out.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Coyote from Orion says:

    What if? No History major take ‘what if’ history seriously… let alone has time to read it.
    Feel the fear… and do it anyway. My orthopedic surgeon truly loved me 😄

    Like

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