Booker wrote: “I just started watching your videos and they have been super open and well done. I have been having this problem orgasming during sex. I am in my early 20s and am a nicely sized guy about 8.5 inches and can cum no problem masturbating, very often multiple times. I am big into yoga and have learned Tantric practices of breathing to prolong sex but I go too long and it is frustrating when she gets tired and I am still rock hard after an hour and a half. My friends laugh at me and say it is not a problem. I know I am straight (tried other things but eh). I find doing kinky things help but that becomes a weird rabbit hole not good for quickies. Maybe it’s just not love, or is there something I am missing.”
Liz says: A lot of guys (and gals) mistakenly believe the longer a man can have intercourse without orgasming, the better. Contrary to that myth, as you’ve learned and your friends haven’t, most women will get annoyed around the 15-minute mark (never mind an hour and a half!) because they’ll wonder if their partner isn’t turned on by them, and their vaginas will begin to feel like molten lava has been poured inside.
The myth comes from this idea that women take longer to orgasm during intercourse, so if a man can last longer she will get to cum too! Alas, most women are unable to orgasm during intercourse, and going longer just produces both physical pain and insecurity for the woman (“Doesn’t he find me hot?? What’s taking him so long?”).
In other words, unless you happen to have a partner that can orgasm during intercourse and asks you to go longer, those tantric breathing skills are pointless.
That said, I suspect the real reason is psychological. You say you have no problem orgasming from masturbation, but can’t or take too long when with a female partner. Perhaps you have a deep fear of pregnancy? Your concern inhibits your ability to be in the moment and enjoy the act, the fear of an unintended pregnancy is killing the romance. Even with a condom or oral contraceptives, in the back of your mind you know there’s still a risk.
If this is the case, enjoy other sexual activities with your partner that allow you to relax, like oral sex, hand jobs, and mutual masturbation. Share your fear with your partner, reasonable women will understand and appreciate your candor. Be sure you’re using condoms correctly to minimize the risks, too. That can help you relax. Click here to read up on the right way to use condoms.
Also, there’s the possibility that when you masturbate you fantasize, but when you’re with a partner you don’t because you think that’s disrespectful. It’s not, it’s perfectly normal and okay to engage the fantasies that arouse you while having sex with a partner. It’s all in your mind anyway, who’s going to know that you like to imagine you’re a prison guard and 2 female prisoners like to join you in the broom closet for quickies unless you tell them?