D wrote: “For almost 20 years, the taboo “family” fantasy has been the most *ahem* effective for me.
Whether alone or with almost every sexual partner, I’ve had the most degenerate incestuous thoughts, and they are what keep me aroused and push me to climax. Almost any combination of forbidden encounters among faceless, imaginary relatives pops into my mind.
When not aroused, I’m ashamed of myself and I am not interested in acting on these urges with any real people in my life. That, to me, is (thankfully) repulsive.
So, at what point do these thoughts and kinks become harmful? I feel like they already have because they creep into every sexual encounter I have. I don’t want to rely on them anymore… but it works. Can’t be helped?”
Liz says: Don’t worry, you’re pretty normal. It might be shocking to some, but finding taboo things sexually arousing in fantasy but being repulsed by the same things in real life is common. Many of us have no desire to act on some of the things we fantasize about while getting off.
You’re not hurting anyone, you have no interest in acting on these fantasies, and you have the conscience and decency to wonder if it could become harmful, so I’d say the only thing harmful right now is the shame you feel. I think it also speaks volumes that you fantasize about “faceless, imaginary relatives”, actually imagining your real relatives might mean something else entirely. Since your fantasies are separate from reality and you have no plans to meld the two, let go of any shame. If you wanted to bring your fantasies to life, that would be the way your “thoughts and kinks” could become harmful, especially if non-consent was involved.
If part of the reason you feel shame is because you believe you should only be fantasizing about your sex partner, let go of that too. It’s normal to imagine any number of sexual scenarios that don’t involve your partner, plus you don’t know what they’re thinking about either!
It’s also common for our fantasies and turn-ons to evolve over time, so at some point you might find that “kissing cousins” has become boring and instead you’ve replaced them with a “hot for teacher” fantasy!