The Naked Advice

Model & Writer Liz LaPoint answers your questions about dating, sex, and relationships

Emily wrote: “I’m having some trouble with my boyfriend. He’s not had a lot of confidence in the bedroom with me, and while that seemed normal enough, it’s actually gotten worse as we’ve tried to deal with it.

He confessed to me that before we were together he watched a lot of porn. He says that he started watching more and more of it in all kinds of extreme scenarios. He says that it felt like he was getting a crazy high from watching a lot of random niche stuff, one after another. As a result of this, it seems like he feels like he doesn’t measure up in any sense. He says he wants to be the kind of guy that women fantasize about, and feel like I’m lucky to have him (he doesn’t believe it when I say I do feel that way). He also says that the kind of genital size and the orgasms that women had in the videos obviously aren’t like real ones, and that that makes it feel like he’s not good enough.

Even worse, he gets really upset sometimes and tells me that he saw some porn that he can’t forget now that divided men up into alpha males and weaker men who aren’t good enough for their partners. He tenses up sometimes when we’re around groups of guys or guys who are in good shape. He says that he has some mental train of thought where when he feels like he’s less of a man than other guys he thinks I’ll feel the same and hurt him. I’ve told him I love him but he says even if I do I can still hurt him and then come back to him. I don’t know where he’s getting this, I think he’s mixing reality and the porn he watched. He doesn’t have these same issues with the other porn he watched, fixating on it, just this kind of thing.

Sometimes we’ll be in bed and he asks me to make him feel like the only guy in the world, or like a stud, but I never know what to do. I found your channel and watched some of your videos. I don’t think he has a fetish or anything, he just seems kind of brainwashed and he thinks there’s some night and day difference between the two of us and between our sexualities. What can I do to help him? I think it’s really stressing him out and I want him to feel happy and strong, like when he first made me cum and felt so proud he was all over me.”

Liz says: Your boyfriend’s insecurities existed before he ever watched porn.

When someone secure and with a strong sense of self watches porn, they’re not comparing themselves to the actors, they’re just watching a fantasy play out for their purposes. Then they move on with their lives. But when your boyfriend, who already had anxieties and who may have been sexually inexperienced when he started, watches porn he’s comparing himself to the fantasies being enacted and unable to separate the fiction from reality.

Watching porn might be exacerbating his self-esteem issues, but porn didn’t cause them.

You can’t fix him, and it’s not your job to fix him. It sounds like you’ve done your part in reassuring him you love him, but that’s not enough to heal whatever emotional wounds he might be suffering from that cause him to feel so inadequate. He might need a sex-positive therapist who can help him uncover the true source of all his insecurities and help him develop healthy self-esteem. Any number of things could be the real reason your boyfriend is so insecure: abuse or abandonment as a child or having been bullied in school. A good therapist can help him heal.

Or perhaps he’s just a typical immature, inexperienced guy whose insecurities will deteriorate as he matures, like the rest of us. Most of us go through a jealous or insecure phase when we’re young, constantly worrying if we are good enough or if our mate is interested in others.

I could exhaustively list all the ways in which porn is not reality, but others have already done that so here’s one for your boyfriend to read: 10 Things You See In Porn That Don’t Happen In Real Life .

Whatever happens, it’s not your fault if he continues to be super insecure. Don’t beat yourself up if things don’t get better, it’s not about you. He has to work on himself.

frustrated-couple

 

 

 

3 thoughts on “Is Porn Causing Her Boyfriend’s Insecurities?

  1. Coyote from Orion says:

    Good work Liz. You’re total class x

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Coyote from Orion says:

        I guess if I had a girlfriend and I watched porn and I turned on the porn channel and saw my girlfriend cutting a rug horizontally… then she may cause insecurity.
        I tend to subscribe to the idea though that I am responsible for how I feel and no one else has that power over me unless I let them. If I want self esteem then I must do esteemable acts xx

        Liked by 1 person

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