Thomas wrote: “Hey Liz. I’m 23. My question is about ball-busting. I can’t remember when I got into it exactly but eventually about a year and a half ago I started seeking this from girls. I built up a tolerance and now it’s all I like. Now I don’t even try to have sex or have normal relationships with women. Normally it’s just ball-busting I seek. I can’t tell if it’s just ’cause it’s so hard to find a woman to have a romantic relationship with or maybe it’s that I got bored of rejection and migrated to something easier and more thrilling? Whatever it is I’ve tried my hardest to keep my romantic life and ball-busting life separate. That means, no talking about ball-busting to women I want to date and not trying to date women that bust my balls. But with both so hard to find for me I’m wondering if I should bring both desires together?
Should I just not pay for ball-busting anymore with college girls and try dating again? Or is this a bad habit?”
Liz says: I consulted psychotherapist Rob Peach about your letter, Thomas (click here to visit his website). Here’s what he had to say:
“I would encourage him to avoid either/or thinking on this issue. Choose partners to date that you are BOTH attracted to AND who are nonjudgmental and kinky can help him reconcile his conflicting feelings on this issue and help him create opportunities to safely explore this kink with trusted parters.”
I agree with him, you shouldn’t give up on finding a girlfriend who will be down with satisfying your specific sexual desires. You’re not the only man to do this, by the way. It’s a very common predicament men create in which they separate women into “whores” or “wife material”. It’s a false dichotomy, as women can be both ideal life partners and fun in the bedroom. Too many men marry the “wife material” and then cheat on her with another woman because they think their wives are “too good” to have the kind of sex they really want to have. That’s not a recipe for happiness for anyone involved.
But I went a bit further with Rob, asking why it is that we are more accepting of self-harming behaviors if sex is involved. If someone is cutting themselves, we suggest they get therapy and sometimes medication helps alleviate the underlying emotional issues. He replied:
“I don’t know if there is definitive medical evidence about the potential harm from ball busting, but avoiding the activity is not going to diminish the intensity of the fetish. We all pursue activities that have potential risks, from playing football to sky diving and downhill skiing, and we don’t avoid those things that give us pleasure because there could be harm. What we do is find ways to minimize the risks. Ball busters might want to establish where their limits are and stick to them to decrease the likelihood of damage. Using specific toys or tools that are less likely to cause harm (a sandal instead of a stilleto heel) and choosing partners carefully can go a long way in protecting oneself. And, avoiding substances when busting can decrease the likelihood that you experience decreased sensation or that you will use poor judgment can help.”
Bottom line: be open to finding the woman of your dreams who can be both a life partner and ball-kicking dominatrix. I think there’s a good chance that once you’ve fallen in love with the right woman for you, your sexual desires could evolve to include other sexual activities, too. Who knows? 😉