The Naked Advice

Model & Writer Liz LaPoint answers your questions about dating, sex, and relationships

Doug wrote: “When I’m out there trying to date, or just talking it up with someone at a bar, I don’t know how to ask them to go back and have sex! I just can’t seal the deal! I feel like I’m making it way more complicated/ awkward than it really is and that’s why they always end up sort of strolling away. Like if you were at a bar and chatting it up and would maybe go home with somebody that night, and we were talking and at some point I just go “So what are your plans for the rest of the night? You trying to hang out?” I just worry so much it’s gonna go so wrong when she says no that I can’t build up the courage to say it. I’m 23 and all my friends do it all the time and there is no reason I shouldn’t be able to. Every time I ask them and tell them that I don’t know how to pop that question, they just give me the vaguest answers, probably sick of me asking all the time. What do you think of that?”

Liz says: I suspect that your friends give you vague answers because they’re either lying or exaggerating about how often women go home with them.

I’ve never gone home with a strange guy I met at a bar (or anywhere else for that matter). I have, however, had a couple of times in which I met a guy in a bar or nightclub and hit it off well enough that he asked me out on an actual date for another night.

I would say that most women aren’t interested in a one-night stand. They’re out with their girlfriends to have fun, not get laid.

But sex on the first night meeting someone does happen sometimes. How? It happens very naturally, as a result of having great sexual chemistry. There’s no magical phrase, joke, or pick-up line that convinces a woman to go home with you. A woman is attracted to you sexually because of your personality, hygiene, and looks, not because you whispered that super-secret line your friends aren’t telling you works like a charm. This, by the way, might be the other reason your friends give you unsatisfactory answers: they can’t really explain it, you either have chemistry with someone or you don’t.

Plus, if a woman even gets a whiff that your goal is just to get her in bed, she will most often run for the hills. It’s not because women aren’t as horny as men, it’s because we are usually pickier about who we sleep with and we have our safety to worry about more than you guys do. That charming handsome guy in the bar asking you to go home with him could be a serial killer.

So how do you increase your chances of igniting sexual chemistry with a woman? Besides the obvious, like having clean breath and being a healthy weight, there are other things that make someone more appealing.

  1. Listen To Her Speak. A lot of guys talk too much about themselves in the mistaken belief that it makes them appear more confident, bragging about their jobs or cars or whatever they think women will find hot. It’s a huge turn-off when someone shows no interest in getting to know you. Ask her questions that inspire conversation, not just “What’s your name?” or “What do you do?” And then actually listen to her.
  2. Stand Up Straight. Slouching while you stand or sit tends to make one appear depressed, shy, unintelligent, low-energy, or uninterested (whether true or not). Men and women tend to be attracted most to youthful energy and looks, and slouching can remind others of elderly energy, even if you are only 23.
  3. Be Confident, Not Cocky. Too many guys confuse the two, acting arrogantly instead of confidently. Confidence says “I believe in myself, I like myself.” Arrogance says “I’m better than you. I’m not interested in you, I’m interested in you admiring me.”
  4. Look Directly Into Her Eyes. I don’t mean in a creepy way, staring at her from afar, I mean when she’s talking to you and when you talk to her. When we are engaged in conversation with someone but are too often glancing around the room, we give the impression of indifference, like we’re not all that into the person. Plus, studies show that gazing directly into someone’s eyes can produce feelings of passion.
  5. Smile! A lot of guys make the mistake of rarely smiling when they talk to someone they’re interested in because they think it shows too much interest and they want to appear more aloof, or because they think it makes them look confident. Instead it makes you appear humorless, boring, and cocky.

Oh and one more thing, don’t ask her “You trying to hang out?” You “hang out” with friends. It sounds immature, like you’re still in middle school and too scared to own your interest in her, especially when you put it on her by asking if she’s “trying” to get with you.  If you feel a rapport with her and want to ask her out, own it and outright say “I love talking to you, would you like to go out sometime?”

Good luck, Doug!

Couple Flirting At Bar

 

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9 thoughts on “How Do You Get A Woman To Go Home With You That Night?

  1. Coyote from Orion says:

    I see about 4 6ft men a day who think they are athletic machines and God’s gift to all, go to water because they will not stand in the space of simple common vales of chiefly self respect. Cowardice it used to be known as if we are still allowed to be able to see it.
    I don’t mind being boring. I love it. The amount of predatory and corrupt hypocrites I have sorted out when they’ve tried to harm me (or others) is very boring. Boring because the outcome has been the same in 18 years of sobriety.
    If I wanted to have sex so all my mates were happy I would have stayed at the elite boys private school. Part of why I did leave and the Headmaster refunded fees to my parents was because I had been a senior oarsman since I was in year 9 and I was made aick at the predatory practices of my colleagues toward girls from sister schools. Some of the girls were complicit in bullying other girls. Olympics used to be amateur games where athletes were actually academically intelligent too. A lot of moral filth in high society today. I felt sick when I would hear each week the girls who were targeted. Alcohol is what they use. It has worked for them. To suggest otherwise would be like honoring drug charges against McGowan and Feldman.
    Don’t mess with the boys or the women who run them. Same social model as the Taliban.
    They cannot stand integrity. They need good people to behave out of character so they can lie more and control you.
    In changerooms as soon as I start hearing man-children referring to woman as “sluts” in packs… I know exactly what I am dealing with.
    I was raped under involuntary commitment… I have no fear of doing the right thing and standing up for good people..Roger Rabbit reckons its funny

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m horrified to hear that you were raped. I cannot fathom how that must’ve shaped your life. How are you doing now?

      Like

      1. Coyote from Orion says:

        It’s ruined my life and my family. The act itself may have taken minutes. The effects last forever. Rapine is the Latin root meaning to destroy.
        Took years to even start getting help. Very few understand. A cat or dog knows more about healing people than many experts requiring money.

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  2. Coyote from Orion says:

    If going home with her that night was an expectation I forced on myself ie not reflecting who I actually am… then it will always come across as maligned. The only thing that would need to change about that would be how I feel about it.
    Hence comes the joy of getting to know yourself and as we say in Aussie rules footy … putting your head over the ball.
    Own it because your work will uncover it. If someone likes it that’s great. If not that’s great.
    Worst thing any young guy can do is follow the pack into any behavior that is not you. You’re at a great age to see this and determine your own path.
    Another one I worked out is that no onwes me anything. No women owes me sex. If I don’t LIKE a woman why in hell would I want to sleep with her.
    The right people will respect you. So will the assholes in their actions amd distance kept… they will just be bitchy and nasty about it. The women who are shallow may also be bitchy and nasty about it too

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, exactly! More men need to understand that they’re not entitled to sex.

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      1. Coyote from Orion says:

        True. Hope all is well over there Liz. Hope winter for you guys is a good one. ♏

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Guy Hogan says:

    You nailed it! Men should copy this. Print it out. Frame it and hang it on their walls.

    Liked by 1 person

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