Doug wrote: “When I’m out there trying to date, or just talking it up with someone at a bar, I don’t know how to ask them to go back and have sex! I just can’t seal the deal! I feel like I’m making it way more complicated/ awkward than it really is and that’s why they always end up sort of strolling away. Like if you were at a bar and chatting it up and would maybe go home with somebody that night, and we were talking and at some point I just go “So what are your plans for the rest of the night? You trying to hang out?” I just worry so much it’s gonna go so wrong when she says no that I can’t build up the courage to say it. I’m 23 and all my friends do it all the time and there is no reason I shouldn’t be able to. Every time I ask them and tell them that I don’t know how to pop that question, they just give me the vaguest answers, probably sick of me asking all the time. What do you think of that?”
Liz says: I suspect that your friends give you vague answers because they’re either lying or exaggerating about how often women go home with them.
I’ve never gone home with a strange guy I met at a bar (or anywhere else for that matter). I have, however, had a couple of times in which I met a guy in a bar or nightclub and hit it off well enough that he asked me out on an actual date for another night.
I would say that most women aren’t interested in a one-night stand. They’re out with their girlfriends to have fun, not get laid.
But sex on the first night meeting someone does happen sometimes. How? It happens very naturally, as a result of having great sexual chemistry. There’s no magical phrase, joke, or pick-up line that convinces a woman to go home with you. A woman is attracted to you sexually because of your personality, hygiene, and looks, not because you whispered that super-secret line your friends aren’t telling you works like a charm. This, by the way, might be the other reason your friends give you unsatisfactory answers: they can’t really explain it, you either have chemistry with someone or you don’t.
Plus, if a woman even gets a whiff that your goal is just to get her in bed, she will most often run for the hills. It’s not because women aren’t as horny as men, it’s because we are usually pickier about who we sleep with and we have our safety to worry about more than you guys do. That charming handsome guy in the bar asking you to go home with him could be a serial killer.
So how do you increase your chances of igniting sexual chemistry with a woman? Besides the obvious, like having clean breath and being a healthy weight, there are other things that make someone more appealing.
- Listen To Her Speak. A lot of guys talk too much about themselves in the mistaken belief that it makes them appear more confident, bragging about their jobs or cars or whatever they think women will find hot. It’s a huge turn-off when someone shows no interest in getting to know you. Ask her questions that inspire conversation, not just “What’s your name?” or “What do you do?” And then actually listen to her.
- Stand Up Straight. Slouching while you stand or sit tends to make one appear depressed, shy, unintelligent, low-energy, or uninterested (whether true or not). Men and women tend to be attracted most to youthful energy and looks, and slouching can remind others of elderly energy, even if you are only 23.
- Be Confident, Not Cocky. Too many guys confuse the two, acting arrogantly instead of confidently. Confidence says “I believe in myself, I like myself.” Arrogance says “I’m better than you. I’m not interested in you, I’m interested in you admiring me.”
- Look Directly Into Her Eyes. I don’t mean in a creepy way, staring at her from afar, I mean when she’s talking to you and when you talk to her. When we are engaged in conversation with someone but are too often glancing around the room, we give the impression of indifference, like we’re not all that into the person. Plus, studies show that gazing directly into someone’s eyes can produce feelings of passion.
- Smile! A lot of guys make the mistake of rarely smiling when they talk to someone they’re interested in because they think it shows too much interest and they want to appear more aloof, or because they think it makes them look confident. Instead it makes you appear humorless, boring, and cocky.
Oh and one more thing, don’t ask her “You trying to hang out?” You “hang out” with friends. It sounds immature, like you’re still in middle school and too scared to own your interest in her, especially when you put it on her by asking if she’s “trying” to get with you. If you feel a rapport with her and want to ask her out, own it and outright say “I love talking to you, would you like to go out sometime?”
Good luck, Doug!