A.M. wrote: “Hi Liz, I often hear that I’m ‘too nice’ to girls. Do girls really get turned off when a guy is too nice?”
Liz says: I’m so glad you asked! First, let’s go over the different interpretations of ‘nice’.
Most often, it’s the people pleaser who can’t say no, is easily manipulated, and doesn’t stand up for themselves whom we will call ‘too nice’. If you’re putting everyone else’s desires before your own and not owning your voice, you’ll come off as lacking confidence and instead of finding you sexy, girls will put you in the dreaded Friend Zone (dreaded only if you want more than friendship, of course). There are exceptions to everything, so some ladies will be more attracted to guys like this, but generally speaking most women are more attracted to guys with a strong sense of self.
Then there are the more balanced men, who know how to still be kind and considerate while also taking care of themselves. They know when to say no without feeling guilty and when to say yes because it feels good to be helpful to people. These guys have learned how to speak up when necessary without being bullies or overreacting. The only girls who will write these men off as ‘too nice’ are immature and/or damaged in a way that make only ‘bad boys’ appealing. Often, teen girls will be attracted to ‘bad boys’ and then when they grow up they become more attracted to well-adjusted, good guys. Sometimes it just takes life experience to appreciate quality people when you find them.
It’s also important to pay attention to the messenger: who is telling you that you’re ‘too nice to girls’? Is it the girls themselves, or your guy friends who might have bad ideas of how to treat women?
Keep in mind, most of us are turned off by anything that’s ‘too’, no matter how good it is. So there’s being kind and courteous, and there’s being a doormat. There’s being funny, and there’s being unable to be serious when you should be. There’s owning your opinions, and there’s being so rigid in your thinking that you don’t listen to varying points-of-view. It’s all about balance.