Stan wrote: “I’m a 24 year old guy who’s been with my girlfriend for 3 years. We are happy and I love her, but I have to fantasize about being with other people when we have sex. I’m attracted to her, so is it weird I can’t orgasm unless I’m imagining being with anyone other than her? I’m totally straight, I’ve never been attracted to a man ever, but one of my fantasies is that a guy is forcing me to give him a BJ. I don’t understand how that could be a turn-on when IRL I wouldn’t be turned on by that.”
Liz says: You’re pretty normal, a lot of people fantasize about things they wouldn’t actually participate in, and a lot of people fantasize about someone other than their partner.
I’m guessing you are aroused by feeling dominated. It’s actually a common fantasy for heterosexual men with submissive sexual tendencies to be turned on by imagining a man dominating them. Is your girlfriend more submissive, sexually speaking? Perhaps that’s also why you need to fantasize about others in order to orgasm.
Taboos are popular sexual fantasies. Many of us imagine taboo scenarios during sex that can be arousing in fantasy but in real life would not be arousing. Since you’re heterosexual, being involved in a homosexual act is probably very taboo to you (as being forced to perform the act would be, too). A lot of people fantasize about what they’re *not* getting in real life. And this is all because what’s actually turning you on in the fantasy is symbolic. As with your fantasy: it isn’t really the man in the scenario that turns you on, it’s the power dynamic.
Don’t worry about labeling yourself or what it all might mean, it seems like you have a healthy relationship and none of this is negatively affecting your life. You be you!