Brock wrote: “Hi Liz, hope you’re doing great. I am an extremely horny person and I feel the need to masturbate all the time, yet I cannot ejaculate more than once in, I say a day, but probably at least 8-12 hours. The reason this has become an issue is because I’ll typically masturbate at the first opportunity, when I get home and hop into the restroom/shower. Once in a while, my wife would approach me for sex and not being able to perform I would make some excuse to brush her off. The only time we would have sex is on weekends, and not every week. This has led to my wife feeling seriously dejected to the point of being reduced to tears at times and extreme frustration. This, combined with factors like my long work hours and a lack of quality time together, put a serious strain on our relationship. This has motivated me to stop masturbating (well it’s been about two months) and during each of the four times we had sex I “finished ” very quickly (maybe 10 minutes was the longest) and I only last as long as I do by thinking about very unsexy thoughts and with extreme effort. So far I only gave her an orgasm once, I try to keep going, or use my fingers, but she tells me it isn’t necessary, and she never lets me “finish” her beforehand with oral sex even though she loves it. She hasn’t complained, but she deserves to orgasm. Do you have any tips?”
Liz says: Your wife wants to feel loved, sexy, and desirable, just like most people, but when you would rather masturbate most of the time than be intimate with her you send her the message that she’s not sexy and desirable. Hence the tears of frustration.
There’s nothing wrong with masturbating while in a relationship. Many people in committed relationships still occasionally pleasure themselves. But when it happens often enough that true intimacy with your partner suffers, there’s something deeper going on that is worth looking into.
Have you two tried couples counseling? I recommend you both find a sex-positive therapist who can help you two get to the bottom of your intimacy issues. For example, it’s possible you were substituting masturbation for being with your wife because putting up that wall between you two is a result of a deep fear of intimacy; you’re not just being physically distant but also emotionally distant. Plus, a good therapist could help with your tendency to prematurely ejaculate and her tendency to not orgasm.
You two need to begin an open, honest dialogue that includes your specific desires and needs. Listen to her very carefully as she tells you what to do with her body that will give her an orgasm, experiment with each other, learn what you both really find arousing, because even though you’re married I get the vibe from your letter you two are still getting to know each other sexually.