The Naked Advice

Model & Writer Liz LaPoint answers your questions about dating, sex, and relationships

Booker wrote: “I just started watching your videos and they have been super open and well done. I have been having this problem orgasming during sex. I am in my early 20s and am a nicely sized guy about 8.5 inches and can cum no problem masturbating, very often multiple times. I am big into yoga and have learned Tantric practices of breathing to prolong sex but I go too long and it is frustrating when she gets tired and I am still rock hard after an hour and a half. My friends laugh at me and say it is not a problem. I know I am straight (tried other things but eh). I find doing kinky things help but that becomes a weird rabbit hole not good for quickies. Maybe it’s just not love, or is there something I am missing.”

Liz says: A lot of guys (and gals) mistakenly believe the longer a man can have intercourse without orgasming, the better. Contrary to that myth, as you’ve learned and your friends haven’t, most women will get annoyed around the 15-minute mark (never mind an hour and a half!) because they’ll wonder if their partner isn’t turned on by them, and their vaginas will begin to feel like molten lava has been poured inside.

The myth comes from this idea that women take longer to orgasm during intercourse, so if a man can last longer she will get to cum too! Alas, most women are unable to orgasm during intercourse, and going longer just produces both physical pain and insecurity for the woman (“Doesn’t he find me hot?? What’s taking him so long?”).

In other words, unless you happen to have a partner that can orgasm during intercourse and asks you to go longer, those tantric breathing skills are pointless.

That said, I suspect the real reason is psychological. You say you have no problem orgasming from masturbation, but can’t or take too long when with a female partner. Perhaps you have a deep fear of pregnancy? Your concern inhibits your ability to be in the moment and enjoy the act, the fear of an unintended pregnancy is killing the romance. Even with a condom or oral contraceptives, in the back of your mind you know there’s still a risk.

If this is the case, enjoy other sexual activities with your partner that allow you to relax, like oral sex, hand jobs, and mutual masturbation. Share your fear with your partner, reasonable women will understand and appreciate your candor. Be sure you’re using condoms correctly to minimize the risks, too. That can help you relax. Click here to read up on the right way to use condoms.

Also, there’s the possibility that when you masturbate you fantasize, but when you’re with a partner you don’t because you think that’s disrespectful. It’s not, it’s perfectly normal and okay to engage the fantasies that arouse you while having sex with a partner. It’s all in your mind anyway, who’s going to know that you like to imagine you’re a prison guard and 2 female prisoners like to join you in the broom closet for quickies unless you tell them?

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Max wrote: “I’ve had an issue recently where no matter what I read or what I’m told, I find it hard to get past some really toxic and depressing ideas. I don’t feel very attractive, so I feel like to be with a woman I would constantly have to prove that I’m good enough to be with them, worry about finishing early or not measuring up, and so on. Not directly, but if I leave them unsatisfied for too long they’re going to hurt me. Or if they think I can satisfy them then they’re kidding themselves and who knows what could happen if some stud comes along (wish I was one) and steals them away. Basically I feel pretty inadequate, and I’ve read some porn that joked (I think) about more attractive guys stealing other guy’s girls, and it’s hard for me to not believe it. How can I feel more confident and get those kinds of ideas out of my head? Whenever I read statistics about cheating or women not getting enough orgasms I feel like if anyone is inadequate, it’s me, and maybe those things I heard are true. It’s making me feel like I’m not really capable of being sexual, I have to worry about someone better coming along, and anyone being intimate with me is a favor that comes with a lot of anxiety.”

Liz wrote: For starters, stop reading that kind of porn. I suspect you get off on feeling humiliated or inadequate, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading about women cheating with “more attractive” men. Are you conflicted because what turns you on also makes you feel bad about yourself in general? If so, separate your actual identity from the “cuck” identity of what arouses you. What turns you on doesn’t have to be who you are in real life. Many powerful CEO types are privately submissive in the bedroom. Get what I’m saying? But if this isn’t the case and what you happened to come across is emphasizing your insecurities, I have some advice for that, too.

Here’s the healthy way to deal with feeling inadequate or unattractive: take the necessary steps forward to improving yourself. We ALL feel this way sometimes, but some of us make changes and others stay stagnant. Don’t be that guy who doesn’t evolve. That means study proper nutrition and eat better if you feel unsexy carrying some extra pounds. Join some social groups that meet in real life to make new friends and practice conversational skills if you are socially inept or feel lonely. Join a smoking cessation group or other help group to quit bad habits you might have. Once you feel personally empowered by all the positive changes and your new life, you will more easily make new friends and meet women. People are attracted to people who have passions and live a busy, positive life. Sitting around dwelling on your fears does you no good.

Speaking of your fears, they’re all understandable and most of us have them when we start dating, too. But you can’t live your life allowing these kinds of fears to keep you from really living! Half of the things you fear may never even happen. What if we all did what you’re doing? Nothing would get done, no risks would be taken, nothing would have evolved in our society. “What if I open my business and XYZ happens?!” We could use our fears of possible results to keep us from doing *everything*. But life is full of risks and often there are positive outcomes instead of negative. The only way to find out is to take the risk.

And what are the worst-case scenarios of your relationship and dating fears? That your mate leaves you for someone else? That’s a risk for *everyone* in a relationship. It doesn’t matter if you’re wealthy, attractive, loving, and intelligent, it could happen. And you know what happens if your significant other decides they want someone else? You deal with your emotions in a healthy way, you brush yourself off, and you move on. In other words, we’ve all had to deal with heartbreak on some level but grieving and healing make you an emotionally resilient, mature adult. You learn your lessons and you make yourself better. It doesn’t destroy you or your worth. You love yourself and make changes if need be, and you move on.

All any of us can ever do is try to be the best version of ourselves! Stop comparing yourself to others to the point that it hurts your self-esteem. It’s okay to be inspired by someone else’s admirable qualities/skills and use that inspiration to make improvements, it’s not okay to say to yourself “I could never be that hot/smart/funny/etc, I’m a loser”. Focus on your positive qualities and love yourself, and accept that some women are not going to appreciate you and some are, that’s what we all have to deal with when dating.

Replace those mental images of your woman leaving you for another dude with images of you laughing together, learning together, experiencing life together!

And let me leave you with some sex tips: when you’re with a woman, ask her what she likes and do your best to be attentive. And remember practice! No one is perfect at first, we all had to start somewhere and it’s only through experience we improve.

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Dan wrote: “Recently I started a new job and found a coworker very attractive, however I came to find out she’s married so I was perfectly fine with keeping it professional. After a couple weeks on the job this coworker asked me to lunch and from the moment we sat down there was an instant connection, at least on my side. We’ve now gone out a couple more times and the attraction is strong as ever. I’ve always considered myself a ‘good and moral’ person and this of course flies in the face of that. Nothing physical has happened minus some hand and arm holding, but I’m very torn right now. Obviously I really like spending time with her, but I’m also not interested in some affair and potentially breaking up a marriage that also involves a small child (younger than 2).”

Liz says: First I want to address this statement: “I’ve always considered myself a ‘good and moral’ person and this of course flies in the face of that.” Finding yourself attracted to someone who happens to be married does not fly in the face of decency. We are human beings, primed to be sexual and emotional, and nature doesn’t give one iota about man-made, institutionalized social constructs like marriage. In other words, simply being attracted to someone who happened to participate in that social construct doesn’t make you a bad person.

That said, how one acts on these feelings can give others reason to judge one as ‘immoral’. A spouse who continually lies, deceitfully maintaining an affair with no intention of living authentically, gaslighting their mate who sees evidence of the affair, not giving a flying fig who they hurt in their quest to remain adulterous, would most certainly be judged as lacking decency and a moral compass. Now compare that to an unhappy spouse who finds themselves attracted to someone good for them, someone more compatible than their mate whom they married when they were too young. This spouse and the new person fall in love, and instead of having an affair the spouse moves out, starts the divorce process, and starts a new life. Context matters. How people behave when they find themselves in these situations says a lot about their character.

Note that I focus on the married person, not the single person. It is always the responsibility of the married person to maintain the marriage and not let others in if they are happily married and have no desire to divorce. If a married person has an affair, it is the married person’s fault, and it’s ridiculous misplaced anger to put it on the “home wrecker”.  Someone else can’t “wreck” a home that was happily intact. The single person didn’t make any vows of commitment, the married person did. When I was in high school, my boyfriend my junior year cheated on me with some other girl. Did I get angry with her? No, she wasn’t my boyfriend. I talked to her, we discovered some of his lies, and then we confronted him together. My point is, it is up to your married coworker to put up the healthy boundaries in order to maintain her marriage, if that is what she wants.

Which brings me to another point. Affairs are bad. Dishonesty in order to simultaneously keep your spouse and another secret relationship is wrong. So since you don’t want to be her “side dish” you also have the power to put up clear boundaries. If things progress the way they seem to, tell her (before anything sexual happens) that you have no intention in having an affair, especially because you know they have a child at home. If it isn’t the real thing, if you two aren’t falling in love but are only in lust, then it isn’t worth it. The end result can only be everyone getting hurt. That small child deserves a fully plugged-in mother, not one who is running off to sleep with someone and staying late at work to be with you instead of being home to love and care for her family.

If it is just a physical attraction, which I suspect because you don’t share any details on how much you have in common or say anything that people falling in love usually do, then it would be wrong to continue getting lunch with her and being alone with her. That “innocent” hand-holding you mentioned? Not innocent for a married person to do. You can be the first one to put up those boundaries. I know it sounds easier said than done, but it can be done. Tell her you won’t be alone with her anymore. Do whatever you can at work to distance yourself. Out of sight, out of mind. You would be saving yourself and everyone else involved a lot of heartache.

Sad couple mad at each other

J.M. wrote: “I am a 21 yr old male virgin but I am not a ”typical” male virgin; I’m reasonably popular, don’t play video games, enjoy sports, and have a toned upper body.

Also, I’m not socially awkward, and I can talk to and hold conversations with girls whether I have a crush on them or not. However I am so innocent that I genuinely don’t know how to hit on girls or make any move with them.

Also, I am worried that if I WAS in such a situation with my crush I would not know what to do. What suggestions would you have?”

Liz says: Since when does playing video games have anything to do with a male’s sexual status? Plenty of sexually active single and married men have fun with video games in their spare time. Same goes for dudes who don’t play sports, hate exercise, and have a few close friends versus a stadium of acquaintances. In other words, there’s no such thing as a typical male virgin or non-virgin. There are many guys just like you!

You’re already ahead of the other guys who are still learning how to be socially savvy and hold their own in a conversation, you just need some pointers on how to move the casual talk to a private, romantic date.

Pay attention to your instincts and her body language. When you’re talking to her, does she seem distracted or in a hurry? Does she only answer your questions and doesn’t show interest in getting to know you? Does conversation feel forced or is there a natural flow? Does she smile and make eye contact with you? These are important things to notice before asking her out.

Let me start by saying what you shouldn’t say to your love interest. I, and every chick I’ve ever known, find it a huge turn-off when the guy suggests, “We should hang out sometime” or some other variation on what sounds like something you’d say to your bros. You “hang out” with friends, you date someone you’re physically attracted to. So for the love of all things good in this world, please ask her out by saying something like “I find you funny and beautiful; I’d love to take you out” or “Since we both love basketball, I would love to take you to the Lakers game”. When it’s right, it usually happens very naturally. There’s a rapport you both sense and seeing each other in a private context feels like the next step.

Good luck, J.M.!

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Steve wrote: “I know this isn’t the kind of thing you usually discuss and I hope it’s OK to ask. Two people I know well died in the last couple of months. One was my age, a good friend since high school, and one (two days ago) was someone I did a lot of business with and spoke to nearly every day for the past ten months. He was forty and he had three kids and a wife. Both were very, very, good people and I was very sad on both occasions. But part of me feels almost relieved for them. It’s awful for their friends and family, but I can’t help feeling a sentiment I can best describe as ‘at least they don’t have to do this shit anymore’. Does this make me crazy? I’m starting to think it might.”

Liz says: No, you’re not crazy. It’s very common and normal for people to cope with loss and death in this way.

Death is terrifying for most of us. How we process that fear emotionally and mentally varies, but one of the most common ways is to try to see “the bright side”. Many people believe there’s a heavenly paradise awaiting us after death, and they are likely to say words of comfort to the bereaved like “He’s in a better place”. We also see death as a peaceful state, hence the sentiment “May she rest in peace”. Your relief that your friends ‘don’t have to do this shit anymore’ falls in line with this. You are normal.

However, I do wonder if your life has been very stressful and that’s why you’d refer to life as “this shit”. If you are dealing with a lot of hardship or depression, consider seeking the help of an experienced mental health professional who can help you find more peace and fun in life, because we shouldn’t expect peace only in death.

I’m sorry for your loss, it would be especially difficult having had two people you knew pass away in a short time.

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Bobby McPuppet wrote: “I’m a big fan of yours. Would love it if you came back to YouTube. Anyways, I am a very submissive guy. Unlike most guys out there I don’t look to hook up with a girl. I respect them all too much that I generally don’t even approach them. I have several female friends, and they all have me figured out. They know I’m a pushover and will do mostly whatever they want.

My only sex life is watching humiliation clips online and buying things from “Princesses” off a site called ebanned. It’s an auction site that sells things that are “banned” on eBay.
And I buy the most ridiculous stuff off women there. From their garbage to stepped on food to their used flip flops or socks. I mainly do these things because I like to make women laugh. Specifically at my expense. They seem to get a kick out of seeing what stupid crap I will pay for.

So, I guess my question is: Do you think it’d be wise of me to try and find a real life relationship, given my attractions to being walked on and degraded? Or is it more likely a girl would use me for a while until she got bored and went on to something more vanilla? Should I just keep my desires to online long distance interactions?

Anyways, I think you’re a rock star and you’re hilarious too. Please keep it up.”

Liz says: Thanks Bobby McPuppet! I appreciate the kind words.

Now on to your dilemma. I find it interesting (but understandable) that you think it has to be one or the other, but not both. If you want a real relationship you can have that. It just means putting in the effort to search for the right woman for you, and learning how to be in a relationship.

I also find it interesting that you said you enjoy buying ridiculous items from these women because you like to make them laugh. Are you watching them laugh when they sell to you? Is this all happening on camera? Or is this something you imagine they do, like an evil villain laughing at their victim’s gullibility? In a real relationship you’ll get to hear that laughter all the time in person!

Here’s how you can have both: you and your partner indulge each other’s fantasies/kinks when the mood hits. You just need a lady who has dominant tendencies who will occasionally boss you around (and whatever else floats your boat) and in return if she wants to occasionally have a “normal” boyfriend you give her that side of you. With the right person and some relationship smarts this can work.

In order to find this chick, you need to get out of your head that not asking her out is being “respectful”. It’s HOW you ask a woman out that determines whether you’re being respectful. Smile, introduce yourself, and ask questions related to whatever you two have in common at the moment. At a coffee shop? Ask her what she enjoys drinking or if she’s tried their latest menu item (“Have you tried the Unicorn Frapp yet?”) You get the idea.

Being a more submissive man you feel it doesn’t come naturally to you to be the one who approaches first. Lucky for you we live in space age times where dating online makes it so much easier to be the one who initiates contact! Just be honest about what you want in a partner and who you are, that way you don’t attract women who are submissive and all wrong for you.

Good luck Mr. McPuppet!

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B.F. wrote: “Great blog, and great YouTube videos! I was researching pegging and found you. I then saw your video on how you love gay porn. My question is, what are your thoughts on bisexual porn or at least bisexual men?”

Liz says: Thanks! For anyone unaware of what videos he’s referring to, click here to watch  “All About Pegging” and “Why Do Straight Women Like Gay Porn?

I’ve never watched “bisexual” porn, as I have as much interest in watching women in porn as I do watching a barfing contest (no offense, women).

As far as my thoughts on bisexual men, what do you want to know? I’ve never dated a man who identified as bisexual, although I suspect at least a couple who just weren’t “out” yet.

Bisexual men and women have to put up with a lot of stereotyping and myths that can hurt their dating prospects. Namely, that they can’t commit to one person because one gender/sex couldn’t fulfill them, that they’re more likely to be unfaithful, and that they’re actually gay or lesbian and bisexuality doesn’t truly exist. None of these are true, at least not for everyone who is bisexual. None of these should be assumed, just like we shouldn’t assume a lesbian woman plays softball and a gay man loves theater.

Bisexuality is real and exists on the human sexual spectrum. We should do our best to accept and understand it as another sexual orientation.

Funny bisexuality meme

Dan wrote: “I have quite a few good looking female friends and while I genuinely see them as friends I have to admit something: when given the chance I find their dirty panties and sniff them. Sometimes I’ve even taken them home for later. I know I don’t see them as women I want to date, but for some reason I really get aroused from smelling the panties of women I know. So Liz do you have any insight on why I do this?”

Liz says: I think you are aroused by the natural aromas of women and you’re an opportunist. Easy access to your friend’s underwear means you’ll take what you can get when you’re not in a relationship.

Bromidrophilia is the technical term for being highly aroused by the natural body odors of attractive people. It’s harmless on its own, but many men have been caught breaking into women’s homes and stealing their panties for a home masturbatory collection. Which brings me to that part of your letter where you admit stealing your friend’s underwear. My concern is that you might become emboldened by getting away with that and graduate to stealing from strangers or other women you know. There’s nothing wrong with what turns you on, but there’s something wrong with theft.

I know you specified that it’s the panties of “women I know” that you enjoy, but given the illegal way you’ve been obtaining them have you considered getting used panties from women selling them online? Try ebanned.com. It’s a website for people over 18 years old who want to sell/buy items that eBay won’t allow them to, like used panties.

Keep in mind, many states will prosecute stealing someone’s underthings as a sex crime and you’ll be forced to register as a sex offender. It’s not worth it.

There’s also the option of admitting to one or more of your friends what turns you on and simply asking them for their panties. I know that sounds risky, but if you’re honest and even make fun of yourself in a way that shows you don’t take yourself too seriously and you recognize it might sound “creepy” to them, they might surprise you! I’ve known men who’ve asked their female friends for stuff like that (a foot fetish guy often asks his female friends for their old shoes) and they’re not in jail or shunned. Win-win!

purple thong

Steve wrote: “Hey Liz, at the risk of sounding prudish, I don’t understand how to dirty talk. During several lovemaking sessions my wife vaguely requested me to “talk dirty to her”.  And I always have no clue what to say. I have tried things like (please excuse the vulgarity) “beg me to fuck your pussy”, or “how do you like that, bitch”, which seems to be what she was going for. Often she insists that I grunt or moan, but frankly both just make me feel ridiculous, even self conscious. It’s not like I’m not having a great time. Is it abnormal to prefer silent sex and just enjoy the intimacy?”

Liz says: No, you’re not abnormal and neither is she. You both just have different desires, different ways you want to experience sex.

I can relate to both of you, actually. I know what you mean about feeling ridiculous trying things that make your partner happy but make you feel silly. Anyone who watched my YouTube video on my experience dating a guy with multiple kinks and fetishes knows this. But I can relate to your wife too, because I’m also not crazy about “lovemaking”, that slow and “romantic” way of having sex. It just feels sappy and weird to me.

I’m betting what she’s asking for from you is simply more passion. She wants to feel like you can’t wait to have her. She wants you to be more dominant.

I’m guessing (by the fact that you refer to it as “lovemaking” and that you apologized beforehand for the “vulgarity”) that you have absorbed the message from society/parents/religion/etc that there are two types of women: the kind you have “fun” with and the kind you marry. A lot of men were raised to believe “good” girls don’t do certain things like have “dirty” sex. So then these boys grow up to marry the “good” girl and now they’re like, ‘I can’t do that with my wife!’

This is why men in the past regularly had a “proper, classy” wife at home to cook and be moms, and the prostitute/concubine/mistress that they could have all the “dirty” hot sex with. I’m not saying this doesn’t happen nowadays, just that it was more accepted by society as normal back then. Fortunately, society became enlightened (for the most part) and now we understand human sexuality better.

But if this applies to you, please know that enjoying sex and wanting to be “fucked” instead of made love to doesn’t mean she is immoral, and talking dirty to her doesn’t mean you’re disrespecting her (especially because she requested it). You two might need couple’s sex counseling to undo any sex myths or gender stereotypes you’ve absorbed that are inhibiting you.

If this doesn’t apply to you and you really just have more submissive tendencies or something like that, perhaps you two could come to an agreement that is mutually beneficial. For example, 1 night a week you could role-play in a way that brings out your more dominant side and helps you feel less ridiculous talking dirty to her. Have fun with it!

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Dr. Susie Gronski interviewed me for her blog and here it is! Please check it out and subscribe to her blog for great information from the “physiotherapist for your privates”!

Interview with The Naked Advice blogger, Liz LaPoint

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