The Naked Advice

Model & Writer Liz LaPoint answers your questions about dating, sex, and relationships

Buddy wrote: “I have a sex addiction to calling phone sex. My wife knows and she was upset. And she wanted me to stop. I tried but unsuccessful, and she told me that if she finds out I did it again she would leave me. I want to stop. I have seen a professional about and it didn’t work. I don’t want to lose my wife or my family. Please, any help would be appreciated. I just found your videos today, found you really insightful, and not judgemental.”

Liz says: What you’re calling an “addiction” I suspect is really just “What I enjoy doing conflicts with what makes my partner happy”. Meaning, it’s not that you’re actually addicted (click here for the definition) but that it’s something you gain so much pleasure from that it’s difficult for you to walk away. Many couples deal with variations of this. She enjoys belonging to the PTO but her husband wants her to quit because her responsibilities make her so busy that it takes away from time with him. He loves extreme sports but his wife asks him to quit because now that he’s a father she’s worried about him dying and her child growing up fatherless. No one would seriously say the PTO mom and the mountain-climbing dad were addicted if they continued after their spouses asked them not to. The difference with your situation is that your wife probably feels like you’re cheating on her.

It’s not just physical sexual activities that count as cheating. Anytime you create a relationship with someone else that is expected to be reserved for your significant other, it’s cheating. In this case, you’re directing your sexual energy toward various strange women instead of only sharing that energy with your wife, and she wants to be your only sexual partner.

Oftentimes when we want to continue doing something that we know we shouldn’t (or are being told we shouldn’t) we tell ourselves things to justify continuing. This is called Cognitive Dissonance. It’s easier to justify inaction than it is to change and take different actions. It happens a lot when our actions don’t match our values/beliefs. In your case, you might believe you’re a loyal, good husband and if someone were to say “But your love for phone sex is not what loyal, good husbands do”, you might justify it by telling yourself “But I’m not actually cheating on her, I’m not hooking up with other women so there’s no risk of falling in love, or impregnating another woman, or catching an STD.” Instead of changing the behavior, it’s easier to tell ourselves things that allow us to not feel bad about continuing.

I am wondering if you’re mildly depressed. Sometimes people dealing with frustration and discontent in life seek escapist activities in an effort to feel excited about something, to feel alive, to be so engrossed in something that they temporarily “escape” their problems. That activity could be almost anything (video games, shopping, drugs, alcohol, sports, gambling, sex). When you were seeing a professional about all this, did you discuss this possibility?

Or, it could be that what turns you on the most just happens to be incompatible with the kind of marriage your wife wants.

Here’s the bottom line, continuing to seek your sexual thrills via phone sex workers is communicating to your wife that she is less important to you. Whether that is true or not, that is what your behavior is telling her. If you love her and can’t imagine life without her, then you need to take care of her and your relationship. Re-direct that sexual energy you were paying other women to take, toward your wife. Have a deep, brutally honest talk with her about how you are feeling and what you want from her, then let her do the same and really listen to what she says. You both can’t heal and move forward positively until you both feel heard and understood. And if you two decide to try counseling, find a sex positive therapist.

Retro vector - man on phone

 

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Marc wrote: “I found you via your YouTube channel and thought I’d ask you something.
Apologies first, I’m not a native English speaker.

So my question is: I have several fetishes about my wife but some of them are only active when I am really, really, aroused and lusting after her. So in general I’m not captivated by my fetishes for her and we have plenty of normal sex, but I was wondering if you could tell me why those specific fetishes are only active when I am really horny.”

Liz says: It sounds like you’re confusing fetishes with fantasies. Having a sexual fetish means being sexually aroused by inanimate objects, non-sexual body parts, or situations that need to either be present or fantasized about in order to enjoy sex and climax. You mention having “plenty of normal sex” with your wife, how you only think of these “fetishes” when you’re very aroused, and you even specify that you’re not “captivated by” your “fetishes for her”, so those are clues that these are not sexual fetishes you have.

What you’re describing sounds like what most of us experience: certain sexual fantasies pop into our heads when we’re turned on and with our partners. In other words, you’re typical and the reason those fantasies are only active when you’re really horny is because that’s the only time we usually employ our fantasies!

I suggest you tell your wife some of your fantasies while you two are being intimate. That could heighten arousal for both of you and create a bonding experience.

**Watch my video Kinks, Fetishes, & Paraphilias to understand the differences between those terms.

Sun hat

Games are fun. My favorites include Trivial Pursuit, Cards Against Humanity, and Scrabble. I’ve always had a fondness for words, trivia, humanity, and fun. But you know what I’ve never played before? A game for lovers, a sensual, romantic game designed to inspire lust and make your heart race. Well, never until last night!

The hubby and I picked out a game called Fantasy Affairs (“Engage In Adventurous Affairs With Your Lover”). It has a high rating on AdamandEve.com and sounded intriguing.

The game includes a vibrantly colored game board, 3 decks of cards, and game pieces. The large deck of cards each have a fantasy affair written on them for both men and women, the Creative Kissing deck contains instructions on how to kiss your lover, and the Love Cards have questions to ask each other or directions for seducing your partner.

FA Game Cards

While we were playing Fantasy Affairs we realized what’s great about it is how we bonded not just over the erotic directions but also from laughing together when we read something we found ridiculous. You can’t beat that!

At one point during the game we were having fun reading imaginary sexual encounters when I had to draw a Love Card. I read the card aloud to my husband: “Dribble your favorite sauce on me and lick it off.” We skipped that one because my hubby wasn’t in the mood to lick Sriracha, but all the other directions we received were sexy and heightened our arousal (we didn’t even make it to the end of the game, if you catch my drift).

This game was fun and I would recommend it most for new couples who are still experimenting and getting to know each other’s preferences and desires (it’s a sexy way to learn about each other and seduce one another as a pathway to sex) or for solid couples who want to try something new together without involving Craigslist or swinger’s clubs.

Adam And Eve offers more than Adult Games, so whether you want to get Fantasy Affairs or update your sex toys, be sure to use the discount code below!

Go to AdamandEve.com. Enter code NAKED at checkout to get 50% Off 1 Item + Free Shipping on your entire order in the US & Canada. *Certain exclusions apply. 100% satisfaction guarantee. 24/7 customer service. 90 Day No Hassle Returns/Exchanges.

FA game board

 

 

 

Pickle Person wrote:I’m a guy with a sexual fetish for long fingernails (not too long, usually the length that people get when they get their nails done). I beat off to pictures of nails and I have conversations with female friends about their nails.

I wanted to know if you can make a video about this type of fetish. Seeing as not a lot of people talk about or show interest in this fetish, am I weird?”

Liz says: Weird as in atypical/uncommon? Yes. Weird as in creepy and in need of psychiatric help? No. Unless your fetish is causing you stress in your life, involves non-consensual acts, or is affecting your job, relationships, etc. negatively, it’s not considered a disorder.

Consult any list of the most common sexual fetishes and nails don’t crack the top 10. However it’s not unheard of, and toenails are often an associated turn-on for men with a fetish for feet. The clinical term for a fingernail fetish is onychophilia.

For some, it’s the act of biting the fingernails that turn them on. For others, it might be their extreme length that is most erotic.

Hands and nails play a big role even during the most vanilla sex in the world. Touch is an important part of physical intimacy, and we use our fingers and nails to heighten arousal by lightly scratching and caressing certain parts. So it’s not a stretch to see how for some men, fixating on fingernails would be IT for them.

pretty fingernails

**Sorry I couldn’t make a video for my channel, but I’m considering making new vids for my Only Fans! Subscribe to see my modeling and possibly new videos: Only Fans

Dee Dee wrote:Ok, I don’t really know if this is a problem or not. Maybe you can help.

I like to compliment strangers. Maybe not every day but often. I work with people so I’m around them a lot. I do it with no agenda or motive or any particular intentions. Of course, I find myself doing this to women far more than to men. Just innocuous things like, “Oh, I like that fun polka dot bow in your hair!” or “Young lady, I must say your eyes are SO bright and blue. Wow!”

I don’t *think* I come off as a lecherous creep but you never know, I suppose. My GF sees this and either rolls her eyes or calls it my harmless “friendly flirting”. Sometimes she even says this is a nice quality, that I like to engage people and make everyone feel special. But you never know who takes it another way.

If a woman I’m randomly complimenting is with a suitor, I always acknowledge them, too, in an attempt to come off as polite and, well, NOT creepy.

I even notice myself doing this while watching TV! I’ll tell the missus, “Hey, I like the dress that actress is wearing” or “She’s really cute with that haircut.” This one kinda constant.

I’m becoming a little self conscious of this behavior and, in this day and age, I’m afraid of being out of line. Is what I think of as friendly chit-chat and compliments actually sexist/chauvinistic or just plain creepy? Do I need to scale this kind of thing back? Or am I being paranoid?”

Liz says: Based on the examples you have given me, no, you’re not being creepy or chauvinistic, and no, you’re not being paranoid to wonder these things. It’s a good thing when someone tries to look at themselves from an outside point-of-view. That is one way how we learn and grow, usually for the better.

What has our society become when we can’t compliment each other? Compliments are an easy way to brighten someone’s day, as long as they’re not backhanded (“I wish I had the bravery you do to not color my gray hair.”)

But I understand why you wonder if you come off as inappropriate. For one, in our culture it’s too easy for compliments to be mistaken for sexual or romantic interest. I once complimented a stranger on his colorful tie. All I said was something to the effect of “I really like your tie, the bold colors are eye-catching.” He paused, then coldly said “My wife got it for me.” He didn’t thank me, which is always rude, but I got the impression he only mentioned his wife because he mistook my compliment for flirtation. He wanted me to know he’s already spoken for. I was annoyed because there was nothing in the tone of my voice or body language that justified that assumption. And it’s not like we were in a bar and I approached him, he was a customer in the shop I was working at and I had been answering one of his questions.

On top of the person you’re complimenting mistaking your intentions, if you have a significant other you have to be concerned with how they perceive your behavior. It sounds like your girlfriend can see that your tendency toward flattery is innocent, so you’re good there. But if your girlfriend sensed that others were often mistaking your flattery for flirtation and she asked you to cut back and you didn’t, that would signal a lack of respect for her feelings and role in your life.

As with everything, context matters. When POTUS Donald Trump was in the news for complimenting the French President’s wife (“She’s in such great physical shape”) it was because in light of his past, it came off as lecherous. He has a long history of overvaluing women for their appearances and undervaluing them for their abilities and intelligence. Plus, the timing was off. Not to mention he complimented her body, not her clothing or friendliness, for example. When you, Dee Dee, are complimenting people you tend to focus on their clothing choices, which is telling them “I like your style!” But if you focus on their body, it can feel like the person is undressing you with their eyes, which can feel creepy depending on the context.

Other examples of context making certain compliments inappropriate or creepy: Boss/Employee relationships, Doctor/Patient relationships, shouting compliments to a woman who is clearly walking to get somewhere on the street, or complimenting minors.

You’ve clearly put thought into your actions by making sure you also pay attention to the boyfriends or husbands of these women. I think your girlfriend has it right when she says it’s a nice quality that you make people feel special. Letting others know that their taste or personality is appreciated is something that should happen more!

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The Hubby and I are not vanilla in the bedroom, SHOCKING I know. We are both free-spirits who enjoy experimenting, so last night we enjoyed some S&M lite, so to speak.

I only say “lite” because I imagine it’s much more hardcore when actual sado-masochists use bondage gear to satisfy their sexual proclivities, but for us it’s more of a “let’s mix things up a bit, shall we?” 😉

We had ordered the Beginner’s Bondage Fantasy Kit from AdamandEve.com. It had a high rating and was listed as a “Best Seller!” so we figured we couldn’t go wrong with this set.

We were right! It came with 4 wrist and ankle restraints and a blindfold. With only the soft yellow glow from my desk lamp lighting the room, my husband put the blindfold on me and then had me lie back against the pillows on our bed. The blindfold served as sensory deprivation. When you can’t see, you pay more attention to touch, taste, scents, and sounds. I felt him tie my hands together first, then my ankles, so it was like I was hog-tied, except my hands and feet were in front instead of behind me. The restraints are meant to be tied to either bed posts or chair legs, but he had improvised with his own ideas.

blindfold

Because I couldn’t see I didn’t know what he was going to do next, which heightened my excitement. I could tell it was really turning him on to see me tied up because I could hear his breathing get heavier. I imagine those who are into spanking or other forms of S&M will love this set for its versatility. As a bonus, we also got the Adam and Eve Lube. It had a perfect consistency and we didn’t need to reapply. Anyway, let’s just say fun was had and we were happy with our selections!

Check it out here: Go to www.AdamandEve.com, Enter code NAKED at checkout to get 50% Off 1 Item + Free Shipping on your entire order in the US & Canada. *Certain exclusions apply. 100% satisfaction guarantee. 24/7 customer service. 90 Day No Hassle Returns/Exchanges

 

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All couples fight. No two people are ever going to meld their lives and not have moments of disagreement, misunderstandings, and everything else that leads to hurt feelings, defensiveness, and frustration. So how do you know when the fights between you and your significant other are normal and when they are a sign you should either seek counseling or break up?

When I was 23 years old I met a guy with whom I had a lot in common, we began dating, and then we moved in together. But during our 3 years together, we fought often, and loudly. Looking back, I’m shocked our neighbors never called the police.

We fought about stupid things (“I can’t believe you think Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade was the best one!”) and important things (“It’s not okay for you to put your arms around your co-worker!”). We fought arrogantly, with little empathy or humor to cushion the verbal blows, and would get so frustrated with each other that sometimes he’d start punching a pillow and I would lock myself in the bathroom. After one particularly brutal argument, I lost my voice from screaming at him for hours. That was when it hit me: we were all wrong for each other and this much fighting was unhealthy. It was time to end it. I told him, “If we stay together we could quite possibly kill each other one day.”

But you know what I said to myself during those 3 years that kept me from getting it earlier? “All couples fight.”

Yes, they do. But what they fight about, how frequently they fight, and whether or not the arguments get resolved or repeat are the clues to help you determine if your fighting is a Big Fat Red Flag.

BFRF #1: Do you argue about important things like values, beliefs, life goals, and kids? Do you differ greatly when it comes to personality, energy levels, senses of humor? There are some things that are non-negotiable, parts of yourself that you shouldn’t have to sacrifice to keep the peace. If you find you can’t respect their views or they belittle your accomplishments and dreams, it’s a good sign you two don’t belong together. Major incompatibilities are often a source of conflict and sweeping them under the rug doesn’t do either of you any favors. But if you fight about little things, like your opinion on modern art or whether Chicago deep dish pizza is better than New York thin crust, that’s a sign of immaturity and that can be worked on with some patience and humility.

BFRF #2: Do you have more bad days together than good? Or are your fights so heart-wrenching that they weigh on your mind for weeks without resolution and outweigh any good days you have together? If you’ve tried making changes for the better but still feel like it’s a constant battle to feel loved and connected, it’s probably time to call it quits. Too many people try hard for so long to “make it work”, but really they’re just wrong for each other. Instead of trying to force a relationship to “work”, you could be with someone who’s right for you and with whom it’s not as much work to get along.

BFRF #3: Do either of you call each other names, viciously argue with contempt, physically hurt the other, and otherwise behave abusively? Time to end it. Don’t waste any time hoping things will change, just get out now. Seek therapy while being single, no matter if you were the abused or the abuser.

Healthy arguments involve empathy, listening, a desire to resolve differences, no physical or verbal abuse, and no stonewalling (shutting down emotionally, being emotionally unavailable). Sometimes, even humor to lighten the mood. Laughing together can often be the antidote!

couple fighting

Anonymous wrote: “I am in a relationship of 2 years with the love of my life. Seriously, he is the best. However there is that one guy that I can’t get over. He is visiting for a few more days and we have hung out with a group of people because I honestly do not trust myself. He feels the same way and has expressed it. I would never cheat on my significant other and I feel guilty for the thoughts I have. I guess I just don’t know what to do.”

Liz says: You’re not with the love of your life. When you’ve finally found someone so wonderful and right for you, there’s no guy from your past you “can’t get over”, no one you need to be sure you only see within a friend group to keep yourself from flirting with or fucking, no one else who makes you feel confused about “what to do”.

In other words you’re probably young and in need of independent exploration, dating and discovering who you are and what you want in love and life. You say you “honestly do not trust myself” to be alone with the other guy, but then say you’d “never cheat”, which seems contradictory. I think what you mean is that you don’t want to hurt your boyfriend, and that’s good, but I think you’re probably too young to be in a long-term committed relationship. Your attraction to this other guy is a Red Flag you shouldn’t ignore.

Let me give you some personal insight. When I was in a 3-year relationship in my early twenties, I found myself attracted to someone else. It was a very strong attraction, and it made me evaluate my current relationship and realize what was missing. My boyfriend was a good man, but wasn’t right for me. I broke up with him and moved on. Now, I’ve been with my husband for 7 years, married for 6, and never once have I been attracted to someone else. When we met, it was the first time I felt a trusting closeness that nurtured a strong love to grow between us. It highlighted what had been missing from every single relationship I had before him. My husband is so wonderful and right for me, there’s never anyone that comes along to make me feel confused about “what to do”.

It’s time to do some deep thinking about whether it would be better for you in this phase of your life to be single. Someone can be “the best”, but not the best for you.

Also, you might want to read my article Why You Shouldn’t Get Married In Your 20s. While you haven’t mentioned wanting to get married, it explains why I think being in a long-term commitment is just a bad idea as a young adult, generally speaking.

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For a few decades now, women have been spreading awareness of how narrowly defined female beauty is and how thinness has been idolized to the point that females will starve themselves and sometimes die in their quest for the “ideal body”. We blamed fashion magazines, we blamed men, we blamed Hollywood. We asked, “Why are slim attractive women often paired with chubby men on television but we never see the opposite?” And some of us wondered why so many men prefer to date skinny women and can’t appreciate a woman who eats more than 700 calories a day.

Fuller-figured women began to flaunt their bodies to stand against society shaming them, and the Body Positivity movement was born.

So recently, a man named Tripp decides to write a love letter to his wife’s curvy body on Instagram. Even though he’s not the first man to do this, it ignited a shitstorm on Twitter. First, his letter:

Tripp's IG letter to curvy wife

While many loved his ode, many also criticized him. I found myself floored reading how often his critics misunderstood his words, his motive for writing it, and showed an apparent need to go back to school to brush up on their reading comprehension skills.

Here’s one popular tweet criticizing him:

My least fave male feminist tweet

Oh Julia, you (and 90,000 people–yikes!) missed his point entirely. It was less about him thinking “liking a curvy woman is revolutionary” and more about how society thinks it’s revolutionary! He has obviously received the message all his life that his preference for bigger women is different/uncommon. Most feminists would agree that’s the message men get. I find it striking that feminists would acknowledge that it’s wrong to judge fuller figured women as unattractive and then blast a man who writes about his love for fuller figures!

Feminist Woman: “Real women have CURVES! I’m proud of my body!”

Feminist Man: “I love my wife’s curves, I’ve always been attracted to this body type.”

Feminist Woman: “Stop objectifying women’s bodies!”

Next ridiculous tweet:

Even tho she's chubby tweet

  1. He didn’t say he loved his wife “even though she’s chubby”. He very clearly said he’s always been attracted to this body type! He doesn’t love her despite her weight, he loves her weight.
  2. A sexologist discovered that because society still says “thin is best”, many men who are most attracted to voluptuous women will only date skinny women, because they don’t want to get shit for dating bigger women and because they want to show off the “trophy” girlfriend that society admires. In other words, while it might not be what we’d call “brave” to date and marry fuller figured women, I can see why he felt compelled to write these words: “Guys, rethink what society has told you that you should desire.”
  3. It’s the person who reads his words and thinks ‘he’s objectifying her!’ who is actually the one objectifying her. Why would you assume by this letter he doesn’t love everything else about her, too? So because you only see her for her body, he must, too? The point of the letter wasn’t to write about her infectious laugh, or her cool blog, but about society shaming men who are into women that are bigger than a size 4. So of course he’s going to focus on her body.

I suspect the women bashing this guy for writing a love letter to his wife are either jealous because they’re not in a loving relationship, looking for something to be angry about, or so blinded by their own biases, experiences, and rigid opinions that they read what they want to read instead of what was actually written. I can see why so many men express exasperation with third-wave feminists, like “We’re damned if we do, damned if we don’t.”

 

 

 

Emily wrote: “I’m having some trouble with my boyfriend. He’s not had a lot of confidence in the bedroom with me, and while that seemed normal enough, it’s actually gotten worse as we’ve tried to deal with it.

He confessed to me that before we were together he watched a lot of porn. He says that he started watching more and more of it in all kinds of extreme scenarios. He says that it felt like he was getting a crazy high from watching a lot of random niche stuff, one after another. As a result of this, it seems like he feels like he doesn’t measure up in any sense. He says he wants to be the kind of guy that women fantasize about, and feel like I’m lucky to have him (he doesn’t believe it when I say I do feel that way). He also says that the kind of genital size and the orgasms that women had in the videos obviously aren’t like real ones, and that that makes it feel like he’s not good enough.

Even worse, he gets really upset sometimes and tells me that he saw some porn that he can’t forget now that divided men up into alpha males and weaker men who aren’t good enough for their partners. He tenses up sometimes when we’re around groups of guys or guys who are in good shape. He says that he has some mental train of thought where when he feels like he’s less of a man than other guys he thinks I’ll feel the same and hurt him. I’ve told him I love him but he says even if I do I can still hurt him and then come back to him. I don’t know where he’s getting this, I think he’s mixing reality and the porn he watched. He doesn’t have these same issues with the other porn he watched, fixating on it, just this kind of thing.

Sometimes we’ll be in bed and he asks me to make him feel like the only guy in the world, or like a stud, but I never know what to do. I found your channel and watched some of your videos. I don’t think he has a fetish or anything, he just seems kind of brainwashed and he thinks there’s some night and day difference between the two of us and between our sexualities. What can I do to help him? I think it’s really stressing him out and I want him to feel happy and strong, like when he first made me cum and felt so proud he was all over me.”

Liz says: Your boyfriend’s insecurities existed before he ever watched porn.

When someone secure and with a strong sense of self watches porn, they’re not comparing themselves to the actors, they’re just watching a fantasy play out for their purposes. Then they move on with their lives. But when your boyfriend, who already had anxieties and who may have been sexually inexperienced when he started, watches porn he’s comparing himself to the fantasies being enacted and unable to separate the fiction from reality.

Watching porn might be exacerbating his self-esteem issues, but porn didn’t cause them.

You can’t fix him, and it’s not your job to fix him. It sounds like you’ve done your part in reassuring him you love him, but that’s not enough to heal whatever emotional wounds he might be suffering from that cause him to feel so inadequate. He might need a sex-positive therapist who can help him uncover the true source of all his insecurities and help him develop healthy self-esteem. Any number of things could be the real reason your boyfriend is so insecure: abuse or abandonment as a child or having been bullied in school. A good therapist can help him heal.

Or perhaps he’s just a typical immature, inexperienced guy whose insecurities will deteriorate as he matures, like the rest of us. Most of us go through a jealous or insecure phase when we’re young, constantly worrying if we are good enough or if our mate is interested in others.

I could exhaustively list all the ways in which porn is not reality, but others have already done that so here’s one for your boyfriend to read: 10 Things You See In Porn That Don’t Happen In Real Life .

Whatever happens, it’s not your fault if he continues to be super insecure. Don’t beat yourself up if things don’t get better, it’s not about you. He has to work on himself.

frustrated-couple